Josh

Bottomless Pain

I find myself constantly going to the beach. In fact, I’ve gone through two tanks of gas in record time because I’m constantly driving somewhere with all of the windows down and blasting music as loud as possible.

I’ve gone to the beach every single night. I just sat in the sand, blasting music on my headphones as loud as possible. Watching the airplanes and waves until my mind quiets down.

My pain feels like this bottomless hole that’s sucking me in. Consuming me. That’s why I go to the beach. I can look at the ocean that stretches as far as I can see in every direction and remember how small I am. How small my problems and loss are, in the big picture of life. It sheds light on the bottomless hole and makes it more manageable.

I closed my eyes for a second and instantly remembered when I went to go see him at his work. I picture Josh and her. Together. My Josh and her. ‘He’s probably fucking her right now.’ whispers the voice in the back of my head. The sobs suffocate me again. And I just let myself be consumed by the pain.

Eventually, the sound of the waves bring me back. They wash in and out. He’s fucking someone else right now and yet I’m still breathing. Despite the pain, the world still spins. The bottomless hole of pain slowly shrinks back into the shadows. It leaves me nub.

My body feels exhausted from the battle. So I just focus on breathing. Whispering to myself ‘It’s going to be okay. You are going to be okay.’ I slowly let go of the sand clenched in my fists. Then it’s all over and I’m okay.

Each night it happens, I walk away stronger. The scary bottomless hole of pain becomes a bit less intense.

I also find that as each night passes, I love him less. The hold he has over my heart, lessens.

One day all of the pain will be gone, it’ll take with it all of my love for him.

They will leave behind a stronger and more beautiful woman.

hold on

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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