I finally hit the angry stage of my breakup with Josh.
Like… I am pissed off.
I think I’m finally seeing it all for what it really was.
He made me watch him fall for his coworker for months. All the while lying to me about it and making plans to elope with me, picking out rings, and making promises he knew he was never going to keep. Then when I peeled back and discovered every lie, he made it my fault. We literally broke up our 10 year relationship because he told me he was going to fuck his coworker and I wasn’t okay with it. Then, he tried to make it about me being “too insecure”. Yeah, I’m insecure you just told me you’re gonna fuck her. It was torture. He tortured me.
Over the weekend I went to Pacific City with a friend. It started off as a good night, I was genuinely excited about life and so happy. And then I saw her… The Coworker he cheated on me with, Alex. It was weird, seeing her face in person. I flashed back to the day Josh texted me a link to her Instagram page, asking me what I thought. I remember being so confused. Later that night, he told me he thought she was ‘kinda cute’ and how she had become his friend, that they had be casually talking. He even sent me an email with a copy of their conversation, because he wanted to know if I thought she was flirting. Little did I know, that was the beginning of the end. I know…. I know…. it’s not her fault. She wasn’t the one I was in a relationship with, he was. But she knew. She knew Josh was in a long term relationship, and she flirted anyways, she pursued him anyways. Shamelessly flirting with him on the daily. Skyping him for hours, in moments of honesty he’d tell me about it. We fought about it for months leading up to the breakup, because he kept lying about it. Hiding it. Wouldn’t stop. How fucked up and uncool is this chick? How pathetically thirsty are you to pursue someone else boyfriend like that?
The second I saw her, I felt…. so much anger and pain. I hated her for all that she did. She’s a shitty person. I immediately tried to size her up. ‘She’s not prettier than me. She’s actually kinda chubby and awkward. Why her?’ I also thought about confronting her. Shitty people do stuff like this and think it has no real world consequences, and it does. “STOP!” I mentally yelled to myself. I’m not that kind of person. I don’t judge people like that. I’m not stooping to their level. It’s so catty and I don’t think mean things like that. It’s not about her. It was him. Something was wrong with him. She knew what she was getting into, so she deserves him and can have him. I don’t want that unfaithful and disloyal piece of trash anymore. I walked away crying.
So many lies, so many promises he knew he was breaking. Ten years that were nothing but a lie. It feels like such a waste. I feel like I’m such a goddamn fool for believing any of it.
Then I’m angry at myself because I don’t want to feel hate. I don’t want to feel anything. I just want to forget him completely. Forget we ever existed. Every memory I have of him now, makes me so angry because of how he hurt me.
My biological father dies and he can’t even have the common decency to be my friend through that? Like, forget our relationship & breakup, whatever. What about being a nice human being? What about the friendship we built over ten years? He’s really that big of an asshole that he can’t even be a friend to me when a family member dies after we breakup? Fuck that!
I was loyal to a fault with him. I stayed because I believed he was my “Life Partner” and I’m a ride or die kinda chick. It’s just my DNA. I’m not saying I was perfect in that relationship, I wasn’t. All relationships have their ups and downs. It wasn’t always laughs and fun, it was oftentimes work. At the end I was totally insecure, I have a short temper when it comes to liars, and we fought all the time because he was constantly lying. He’s an idiot for it too, because I’m a fucking catch and I was willing to never give up on him, to love him unconditionally. He threw that away because he could only think with his dick, so good riddance.
Nothing positive came out of those 10 years together. Nothing. I learned a lot of patience? But overall, it’s all just so fucked up. I feel so broken and so undeserving of love. Which pisses me off again, because I NEVER CHEATED. He did. SO many times. Fuck, we were in an “open relationship” for the pure purpose of him not lying about him fucking other people. Then he did it again. I’m not the one undeserving of love, he is. What did I ever even see in him? Why did I stay? I thought it was because I loved him, he was handsome, funny, and my best friend. Now, I don’t know what I was thinking. He’s not that good looking, he’s balding, and worst part is he’s become the meanest human alive.
I think she’s a shitty human being for her part in all of it, but honestly… I feel bad for her. I know my ex will do to her what he did to me. He’s damn good at it and hard to catch. He’ll lie about a million things because he always does what he wants without regard for your feelings. When you finally catch him in something, he’ll be super apologetic and promise that it won’t happen again. But it does… he hides it well for a few months and then you catch on. He’s so convincing you think it’s a slip up. He’s so genuine you can’t help but care. Then the pattern just goes on. My ex isn’t capable of monogamy. Fuck, he couldn’t even be honest and work towards compromises in an open relationship.
Here comes the biggest mind fuck of all. I figured out that my ex was a narcissist just like my fathers. It completely explains why I was so drawn to him and captivated by him. He was selfish, he’d make me cry and then just leave me broken there in pieces not giving a shit, arrogant, always right, and superior to everyone else. But I didn’t see all that, all I saw was that I had to do the impossible and be loved and accepted by an emotionally unavailable man.
Yeah, a complete mind fuck.
So, I’m at the stage where I hate his guts.
Another thing that upsets me, is I know how Josh’s mind works. I know he’s likely telling all of his coworkers and family how insecure I was. How he “fell out of love” with me. When, that’s not the case at all. If he didn’t love me anymore, why was he the one pushing for us to elope ASAP? Why were we ring shopping? I was finally onboard for eloping. We really broke up because he couldn’t stop lying and cheating. Ugh. I know I shouldn’t think about that. I know it doesn’t matter anymore. I just get pissed off when I know the lies he tells himself and his friends.
I try to tell myself that ‘What he did is not as important as what I allowed’ but its not helping… my mind replays all the fucked up things he did, and it just makes me hate him. I now totally get why my family hates him so much now.
I’m glad we’re broken up. I just wish… I felt nothing instead of anger. It’d make moving on with my life so much easier.
So Dusty arrived a few days ago and I just… don’t know what to do. He moved from Kauai for me and he is just so… easy going and supportive about everything. I should be excited, right? No, not me. I’m confused by it. I just don’t get it. My mind instantly is waiting for the other shoe to drop. See how fucked up I am?
I’m emotional because of moving, issues with my parents, anniversary of my grandma’s death, and just feeling completely overwhelmed. I feel like I’m broken right now, I’m at my worst and he is just being perfect about it. He holds me when I cry. He talks me through all of it. Tells me I’m beautiful, that it’ll get better, we’ll get through it together. All of it.
I’m so frustrated with myself, because this is supposed to be a special time and I wish I was at my best for him. He deserves someone really great. I want to be the girl I was in Kauai – happy, carefree, at my best but back here in California… I’m just so broken. Maybe I don’t belong here anymore.
Then that makes me start crying more, because all I ever really wanted was a partner in my life. I fought my ex for 10 years to be that guy, and I feel so fucked up and broken from it. Like I’m covered in battle scars. I feel like I don’t deserve happiness because of him.
I ended up crying to Dusty about it all… and he just held me a kissed my forehead. That was supposed to make him want to leave, right? It didn’t. No way is it healthy to move in with someone you’re dating while they’re still un-fucking their mind from their ex and he just doesn’t care about that. He makes me feel normal, within all of the insanity of it all.
Is this how relationships are supposed to be? Why did I waste so much time with someone who never really loved me and was just so impossible? Then I’m angry with myself again.
I’m so thankful that Dusty is here though. Genuinely. I just… don’t even want to think about how big of a wreck I’d be this week, if he wasn’t here. I can’t believe he’d want to just move in like this… it’s all insane, but I’m not going to complain about it.
Moving in together, it feels kinda weird. Like, I know him. He’s not a complete stranger. But there is so much I don’t know that we’re figuring out. It’s just… lots of little things. We laugh a lot, which is fun. I’m in the process of showing him around the area, but he prefers the beach and Trader Joes, which is just super cute. He’s really good at communicating. I feel like I’m dating a fucking saint.
For example, I’m a clean freak. I think dishes need to done before I go to bed. I didn’t say anything about it, but I couldn’t relax until the dishes were done. He noticed, so he helped me with it and started asking me about it. I learned the only thing he is particular about is laundry, for me it’s the kitchen. He started a full conversation about how to split the chores. WTF?
He’s just so good at… being in a relationship and communicating. Sometimes I look at him like “WTF? Why are you doing that?” when he’s just being a normal, healthy human being. I don’t know how to thank him and I’m kinda sitting here waiting for him to leave me. Only, he hasn’t.