My Life

Friendships or die?

A couple of months ago, I got in a super interesting convo with some coworkers about woman friendships.

It was kinda fascinating to hear their struggles with finding or keeping friends after they were married. One of them mentioned she started using this app called Bumble. It’s like Tinder, but for friends.

I read a book that one of them recommended, it said studies show that people with friendships live longer. Being married or in a relationship seemed to have no impact on this.

gasp

Am I going to die earlier because of my friendships??

I’ve never used to worry about having friends. They’ve always been pretty consistent. But I had pulled back from a lot of friendships this past year between therapy and just trying to focus on my previous relationship. Lisa was my best friend for 18 years. But this past year I had made the decision to take a step back from that. It was very difficult at first because I still love her as a person, I just know that we don’t make sense as close friends it was too unhealthy for me.

Outside of her the people I’m closest to is my sister and 3 cousins. I kinda consider them all my sisters. I only have one person who isn’t my family that I consider my BFF, but since she lives a bit further away we’re very hit and miss with our hangouts.

Despite the fact that majority of my closest friends are family, I feel like I’ve chosen friendships with them. We’re not friends because we’re family, we’re friends despite that. But does family count as best friends? What if I’m screwed and die early because family doesn’t count as best friends?

I have friendships and people outside of them, but they’re people that I feel like are “mostly” my sister’s friends. We’re all cool and we hang out a lot. We have a blast. But, they’re not people I call when my sister has pissed me off and I need to blow off steam. I need more friends like that.

That’s when it kinda hit me that I don’t need a boyfriend, I need more friends. Hell, all of my current friendships have survived all of my relationships. That’s a crazy thought.

Okay. So, if we’re talking about living longer, I can’t bank on the fact that my cousins count as my best friends. So I need more friends. Based off of the book I was reading and convos with my coworkers, the best way to do this is with Bumble. Which is also a dating app, but they have a feature where you can find Friends instead.

Finding friends on Bumble.

Do you know how weird it is to create a Friendship profile? I don’t even know how to do a dating one, let a lot a more important Friendship one.

I put basic info in the profile along with some of my favorite pics of me traveling: Spain. Cabo and New York. That’s varied enough, right? I was stumped by the “About Me” section, and ended up just putting a quick sentence or two about me.

Then I began the process of swiping left and right. It’s so… weird. What do I even look for in a best friend? And how do I judge that based off of a few pics and a short bio?

It took me a bit, but found myself gravating towards women who seemed really smart and positive.

I swiped left immediately for anyone who seemed like any kind of drama. Duckfaces and sticking a tongue out in a close up selfie seems to also get an immediate left swipe as well. A dog in one of the pics gets almost an immediate right swipe as does a badass job.

Also bios tend to blend in together. Most people mention traveling or wine. I know you can’t give much of substance in a short bio, but you get bonus points if you do.

swipe

Then I went back and edited my profile again. Adding in more substance too.

Within an hour I found myself staring at a list full of matches with no idea how to even talk to these chicks. What’s an good opener when you want to be friends with someone? God, this is harder than dating. At least with dating, you have boobs which give you an upper-hand. Thankfully, some of the girls reached out first. Definitely helped me get my feet wet.

I got lots of questions about my job. I tried to ask a bit about interests, fav tv shows, etc. most convos fizzled out there.

Cassie and I ended up chatting the most. She lives in Lake Forest, so not far. She has a super cute puppy. Major bonus points there. She’s a software engineer. So we instantly started bonding over the tech industry. Somehow we ended up chatting about How I Met Your Mother. That pretty much sealed the deal for me. But… I had no idea what to do from here. Do I ask her out for a friend date? How do I come off as cool? Not too eager?

Thankfully, she got the ball rolling with a ‘Let’s hang!’. We ended up meeting at Starbucks with our dogs. That went well, so the next day we graduated to the dog park. Soon we were texting all of the time.

New Crew

Within a week, I was a Bumble MASTER. I had a ton of matches and had stopped swiping. It really became all about figuring out if I could have real friendships out of this.

After coming back home from Kauai, I had a brand new crew to hangout with.

friends

Jessica and Sienna are probably the ones I’m closest to. We usually grab lunch over the weekend. I’m teaching Sienna how to surf. Jessica fell in love with Cliff (who wouldn’t really). They’re the ones I invite to come over, have some wine, and just hang out. It’s just way more low key and easy with them. So I love that.

Marissa, Sarah, and Vanessa are a few other friends I met. They’re more casual friendships. They all have pretty demanding jobs or really busy with their boyfriends. We text often! Vanessa invited me to join a book club she’s in. We’ve gone out on a few double dates with Dusty. Went out dancing another time. They’re really cool.

I think I really only need one more friend, someone who is a good workout buddy. Someone to go to the gym with or go hiking with when Dusty has other plans. I think finding a workout buddy has been the more difficult one to find. I adjusted my profile to be more athletic.

But I kept striking out on Bumble. Most girls were either too far, the ones that were close seemed so obsessed with their weight and diets. It just felt too negative to me. I guess I was looking for someone who was focusing on being stronger and healthier rather than hating on their body.

Since I’ve had no luck with Bumble, I started trying to warm up to some of the chicks from Dusty’s Crossfit gym. But they seemed more interested in my hot sweaty boyfriend than in me. So that’s been a dead-end.

I think I’m just gonna start going to take a few classes: Fitness dance class, Acro yoga, and yoga and just see who I meet? At least that’s the new plan. Problem is Dusty wants to join, and I’ve had to ban him from attending, since he’s getting in the way of my Friendship Mojo.

Thankfully he’s pretty cool about it. He’s been here only a few weeks and already has a new circle of friends that he’s met from basketball and surfing. They’re cool guys!

So in summary, I now have 3 super solid friendships outside of my cousins, and 3 other good friends. Which means I’m not gonna die early! Yay! Mission accomplished.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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