Old Exs

It’s over, but it’s not?

When I took Dusty to the airport, the entire car ride I felt entirely devastated.
He’s headed off to Colorado to spend some time with his sister and their family.

I ended it on the best of terms.
I care about him SO MUCH. I just know that I need to take a path alone for awhile. If I ever want a healthy functioning relationship as an adult.

I learned a hard lesson in my past relationship…. you can’t change anyone.
Dusty couldn’t make me less broken.
I couldn’t make my ex less of a self-centered cheating jerk.

No matter how hard you try, we just are who we are.
The only person that you can change is yourself.
Right now I’m broken. Dusty can’t heal me, I need to heal myself so I can then go into a relationship completely whole.

I used to always believe in the potential of people, that you could invest in them and help them towards goals.
Now, that whole side of me feels broken.
I don’t believe in people. They just are who they are.
Love them for who they are or get the fuck away from them.

And right now… he loves me, but he’s seeing me for my potential.
Who I am when I’m not broken.
And I need to fix myself so I can be in a healthy relationship.

It’s not over.

I’m calling it a “breakup” he’s calling it a “break”.
He made it clear that he’s not giving up on me and it’s not over for him.

I don’t want him waiting around.
I don’t know if this is gonna take me a few weeks, a few months, a year? I don’t know.
All I know, is that if I continued down that road where he is so in love and I’m playing catch up…
I was gonna hurt him and myself in the long run.

He still calls me every night.
I’m trying to do “Not Contact” because this seems so confusing otherwise.

Since he left I’ve been doing my best to distract myself.
– Having lunch time Margaritas with friends, where I accidentally got everyone too drunk
– Picnics at the beach, watching the sunset. Talking to my friends about it all, trying to figure out love and loss.

I am okay. I’m sad that he’s gone… but I am happy with my life.

Mars

I’m kinda geeking out about Mars since it’ll be the closest to the earth than it has in a really long time, tonight.

Probably gonna go star gazing.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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