My Life

Am I even Monica anymore?

Last night at 2am, I woke up to the most magnificent thunderstorm. I sat on the window sill watching the lightening bolts in the distance and cracked open my book. I put on my earphones with my favorite song on repeat, scribbling notes in the margin of the book. Before I knew it- it was sunrise.

My heart is just so completely full… it hit me that I’m so thrilled with every aspect of my life.

Even though everything around me is totally unfamiliar and I’m completely out of my element… I feel like my whole life has been building up to this moment. That this is exactly where I need to be right now. I wouldn’t change any portion of even the most painful parts of my journey… because each of them led me to where I am now.

Not writing about it yet

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

I’m not ready to write about what’s happening just yet and the incredible things that are happening in my life. At least not here. I worry that if I think too much about it, I’ll ruin the magic of it all. So instead I scribble thoughts in my journal and focus on soaking in every minute of it.

But it’s really fucking big and for that reason… scary at some moments. It’s a struggle for me not to give up at some moments. To say “it’s too soon, too far, or too much.” Will I even come out the other end of this?

I’ve learned that sometimes courage is just sitting with your fear for a extra minute or two. Not looking it directly in the eye. Just sitting near it… so it’s less overwhelming. Until the fear is gone and you can keep inching forward.

That’s what my current path feels like but in the process… it’s become so much more than that. It’s become life changing.

I’m getting lost on this new path and it’s the most exhilarating feeling in the world. I’m reaching this point where I just feel like this completely different person. Am I even Monica anymore? 😂

I question everything I thought I knew about myself. I suddenly love the rain. I dance in it. I daily laugh so hard I can’t breathe. I wink at older grandpas just to hear them chuckle. I wake up at 6am and sing my heart out and dance around the apartment.

I just feel like… the path that I’m headed down is taking me further and further away from the life I always thought I’d have in California. How far can you go down a path before you decide to never ever turn back? Why do I even consider California home? Am I truly happy there? I don’t know. I love my friends, but right now I’m seriously considering a really really big move. Am I jumping in too quick? Or do I just know when it’s right? Somehow it’s terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.

It’s almost time to Say Goodbye

I 80% sure that my California days are numbered at this point. All I can think of is how much it makes sense to get rid of everything and just move forward. I want a completely different life… so why not just jump into it?

Whether my California days are number or not- I realized that I need to cut off communication.

When I left my religion, I lost some of my life long friends. And as sad is it is… I find myself longingly wishing they’d come back. But I can’t be that Monica anymore. It’s too unhealthy. For example, I will always love my parents. But it’s no healthy for me t be in communication with them. They’re too angry and hateful at this point. It will only hurt me.

The only thing that I really want to keep are the relationships that matter to me. My plan is to change my number and only keep in contact with the people who care. To start completely new.

The only thing that scares me about it all are those people that don’t want to be a part of my life right now or want to judge me for the choices I’ve made… they’re people I still love so dearly and they’d all be cut off with no way of getting back in touch. Including my best friend of 18 years, Lisa. That means we’ll never talk again. And a part of me is so sad about that. But, if she doesn’t want to know me right now… what else can I do? I gotta move forward. I can’t hold onto the past anymore, it’s holding me back. I can still send loving thoughts their way, but this would be it. I worry I’ll regret it in 5 or 10 years. But I know in my heart I don’t have room for people who don’t really care about me. They’ve dragged me down long enough. I wish she’d reach out, I’ve already texted her too many times. I’ve given up hope. She cut off all communication because I decided to leave a religion. I wish she’d change her mind, but I can’t let that hold me back. The people who want to be in your life and who genuinely care about you, they’ll be there… they at least check in. She doesn’t and you can’t make people care. So it’s time to let go of that chapter.

It’s drastic… but it’s a decision I gotta make. When someone tells you that you’re a bad person and human because of your life choices… it fucks with your head. I can’t keep beating myself up for lying to them about a relationship that didn’t even work out. For not being perfect. All I can do is try my best. I am a kind and loving human being, despite what they say about me. And I need to get as far away from that in order to stay that way and live an incredible life.

I hope I come back here to write about what’s happening right now soon, because it’s an incredible story and I can’t wait to tell you.

I’m gonna be honest my dear readers… I don’t know how much longer I’m going to keep this blog around. A part of me wants to… but I wonder if it’s time to move on to bigger things. I’m undecided.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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