Last week, my ex Josh (the one I was with for 10yrs) wrote me an email.
Overall, the email was nice, he said that all he wanted was for me to be happy? I finally got somewhat of an apology for it all. Which I am appreciative of.
There is one part that really made me cry. Here it is:
You are a wonderful person who deserves someone who can make you truly happy. I never was able to do that for you and I decided it was better for both of us to go our separate ways.
Is that really the narrative that he tells himself? That I deserved better so he decided we should break up because of that?
Because I was there for the breakup and that was not what happened. We broke up because he had been lying and cheating with his coworker. I caught him in it again and gave him an ultimatum where he chose her, which called off the elopement we were planning.
Did I deserve better? Absolutely! But we broke up because he’s a serial cheater not because he suddenly decided I deserved better like he’s some hero or something.
What bugs me the most about that statement is that he acts like he cared about what was best for me. If he cared at all about my well being or what I deserved, he would’ve at minimum been enough of a friend to at least stop ignoring me when my dad died and I fell into a scary dark depression. He didn’t, because he didn’t care about me as a human anymore. That was one of The shittiest things that’s ever happened to me, became it came from someone I loved and trusted so much.
I barely survived that time period. The Monica that loved him… she doesn’t exist anymore. She died. She had to. In her place is someone who looks the same… who has all the same memories, but in every other way is a different person. A better and stronger human.
I am not angry with him anymore. I’ve found all the answers I needed and moved on. I never really think of him outside of random stuff that reminds me of him every few weeks or so. I didn’t think hearing from him would have any affect on me.
I believed in him so fiercely
I wish he had been strong enough to really take responsibility for it all. I’d respect that more.
There is still this piece of me that expected better from him. If you could sum up our relationship in a sentence, that’d pretty much describe it all. Mostly because I believed in him so fiercely and in the man I thought he was, which is why I think I always expected more from him and tried to push both of us to be our best selves.
Now I’ve come to realize, that overall… I just don’t anymore. He was never the incredible man I believed he was… he was just a silly boy…
I kept waiting for him to grow up and get his shit together. To stop cheating and lying. I fell in love with a kid who was still trying to figure it all out. Who fucked with my heart instead of being kind or taking responsibility.
I don’t want it to seem like I hate him. I don’t. I was with him for 10 years for a reason, and there will always be a part of me that will always care for him and want him to be happy. What I am is disappointed in the man he turned out to be.
So yes… I’m better off now. But he doesn’t get credit for that. I do. I’m the one that broke in the worst of ways… while he was off happily fucking his coworker. Meanwhile I put myself back together piece by piece in one of the most painful processes I’ve ever experienced. I am better off and happy but it’s not because of him… I did it despite him. It’s because of me.
I don’t hate him, I’m just trying to understand…
This isn’t a bashing my ex blog post. I’m just untangling it all in my head. My brain won’t let go of things until it understands it. It’s just how I’m wired. I know it probably sounds like I hate him. I really don’t.
I do appreciate that he at least apologized. I can’t even imagine… how do you deal with treating someone else like that? Cheating and lying like that? Knowing that you caused all of that?
A monumental relationship ended because he was a horrific ass. I can’t imagine being able to sleep at night knowing I did something so mean and terrible to someone that I invested so much in and claimed to love.
That’s just me though. I know that I care too much… he’s different. He doesn’t care. The point is… the fact that he apologized. I know that took a lot for him. And I really do appreciate the gesture.
Maybe that’s what the email was all about.. just his way of trying to feel better about his decision. Like it validated all of the horrible things he did or something.
Why I’m really so hurt by it
I do feel bad for him. Mostly because I don’t think he’ll ever really see it, ya know?
That there is a reason why he doesn’t have any long term friends in his life because he treats people like shit when they’re no longer beneficial to his life.
I genuinely thought that no matter what happened with us… lying, cheating, breaking up, etc. I always thought that no matter what happened with our relationship, we’d always be friends and I fought so damn hard for that. I really really did. I wanted to be the exception to that in rule in his life.
But that just couldn’t happen because you can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t give two shits about you and hates you like that. While I do appreciate that he said that I’m an wonderful person in his email… at the same time it made me cry to hear that from him, knowing that in reality I have no value to him. It’s just words he’s saying to ease his own conscience and it makes me so sad and is a reminder to me that…
oh my god, I didn’t even realize I felt this way and it’s so stupid… but I feel like a failure because of it. I feel like I failed miserably, because I tried to be the exception, to be his long term friend… and I wasn’t.
Writing all of this made me realize that I knew our relationship was broken and while the cheating hurt and how we ended.. hurt. What really upsets me the most is losing my best friend when I tried so hard and didn’t do anything wrong.
That’s really what it all comes down to… I’m hurt that I lost my best friend, because he meant something to me and I know that I was an incredible friend to him.
Writing that sentence and acknowledging that I feel that way has me sobbing right now. I feel so stupid for feeling this way. For even caring about his friendship.
So how did I respond?
First, it came at the weirdest time with my engagement. So I honestly forgot about the email at first.
Second, I almost didn’t respond at all. That sentence really hurt me. Even though it’s just silly words, knowing how he rationalizes his actions… god! It just hurt.
I just realized that I didn’t want to stoop to his level. Just ignoring him and treating him like he was less than human.
Did he deserve that? Probably. But I’m not that type of person. Despite all that he’s done… I am thankful he was in my life. He was my best friend for many years and that… means something to me.
I do want him to be happy. I do care about his health and wellness. I just do. Sometimes I hate that I still care about it at all. I wish I was a more spiteful person and he was just completely dead to me, but he’s not and he will never be. I’ve accepted that.
He was an important person in my life for many years. I can’t do that.
So I ended up thanking him for being my best friend and wishing him the best.