Davide Josh My Life

Always doesn’t mean Forever

Be the person who bares it all. Be the person who never shies away from the depth of their feelings, or the intensity of their hope.

You know that moment when you’re on a flight and it’s boarding. You’ll have to turn off your device soon, so you text everyone you love to just say a quick “I love you in case I die”?

In that moment I always thought of him, my ex Josh Newton. Every damn flight. At first I thought it was just muscle memory. Just something that I was used to doing. But as the months and flights flew by, as all of the other muscle memories of him faded… that one never did.

I always thought of him and mentally sent him warm thoughts, because he is just one of the people I love most on this planet.

My ex Josh texted

I don’t know how to explain what’s been happening. I don’t know how to write about it or talk about it. Mostly due to just the intensity of what I feel right now and also shame. But, I bare my soul here on this blog… and I feel like hiding this one, pretending it didn’t happen… it just feels wrong.

Basically, for a really quick summary:

My ex texted. It started out innocently texting as just friends. But then he said he still loves me and he thinks about me often. Then it all came crumbling down.

In general we caught up with each other, flirted like crazy, and were making plans to Meetup and reunite.

I liked that he still thought of me, missed me, missed how sexy I am, and it was just the best being able to just talk to him again. It was like the months that we were apart never happened.

The confusing part is that Josh still feels and acted like he’s mine. Which just created this secret space for us, away from everything else.

We got into a lot of deep subjects. A lot was really hard to hear. It hurt. But I could take it, a lot of it wasn’t anything I hadn’t already expected. He also really surprised me in other ways.

There were a few times that my walls shot up. But each time I came out from behind them, and I was so open and honest. I’m really really proud of myself for that.

It wasn’t easy to bear my soul to the guy that was still etched across it, despite all the pain we both caused each other.

Reality hit

I remember not long before we broke up, he said he really wanted to marry me. I had to literally stop him from buying the engagement ring. Instead we focused on the elopement, how- when- how much. Sorting out all of those adult details. Meanwhile, he kept lying to me about his coworker and started fights about it. When we eventually broke up for good, that confused the hell out of me and hurt me the most.

Well in texting him now… he said that basically he didn’t really want to get married then.

That’s when reality hit me, hard. Like a giant anvel across the face.

He was the one pushing for us to get married, do the ring shopping, talking budgets, and after 10 years together he didn’t want to marry me? WTF. I cried, so fucking hard. How cruel was that? It’s weird how one thing can just mean everything to you. It used to mean everything to me that Josh was going to be my family, then to find out that was a lie… I was devastated.

So I sat there, tears steaming down my face. I finally had all the answers I had been looking for and it only seemed to make it worse somehow.

I caught sight of myself crying in the mirror. I took a deep breath and took stock of my life. I remembered my worth.

I am incredible. I’m sexy, smart, hilarious, and kind. I am so proud of who I am as a person. I worked so hard to be the person I am right now. To fill these gaps in me, by myself. I don’t need someone else’s love for validation. I already give myself all of the validation that I’ll ever need. I know I’m the whole fucking package.

Josh didn’t want to love me or give me the family we had always talked about, he just wanted to fuck me and lie to his girlfriend about it. Yet I’m with an incredible guy that I love and I’m engaged to, who is dying to marry me and start a family, like now. Who tells me every day that I’m the most beautiful person on the planet and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

I have exactly what I want right in front of me and I’m willing to hurt & betray him over an ex that doesn’t really love me and wants to make me into his fuck buddy? Of course he wants to fuck me, I’m incredible and he’d be crazy not to miss me. I loved him so so much. I wasn’t perfect, but I would’ve gone to hell and back for him. What we had was so special, and I miss it too. When you’re with someone for 10 years, there is a reason behind that.

Despite that, he didn’t really love me. Because if he did wanting to marry me and start a family would be a no-brainer. After 10 fucking years it should be a no brainer. And I wish he did…. sooo badly.

I know what’s most important to me right now. I want a family. I don’t really have one right now, not in the traditional sense. I have cousins who are best friends and I’m close with my sister. That’s it and it hurts.

I want a home. I want to belong to a sweet husband who will be my best friend forever, and incredible kids that I can love the way I was never loved as a kid.

I flashed back to walking around the property in Poipu with Davide. Showing him the life I wanted. That’s reality.

So it all shattered. I walked away. I’m not throwing my future away for him.

Aftermath

I know I’m going to be okay. I know that this is all for the best.

It just feels like Josh and I got knocked into this whole other alternate universe where we aren’t together and it’s like a piece of my heart is stuck in the universe where we’re still together. And it’s so fucking painful and confusing.

This really tore me apart and I know he’s out there perfectly okay. Lying to her, the way he used to lie to me when he did this shit all the time. I know he cares about me generally. I think he loves me as his friend and got caught up in the moment and said a lot of things he just didn’t mean. At least that’s what I tell myself, to excuse his behavior. It’s just what it is. I want him to be happy in his life, and it sounds like he is.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I don’t know if I’ll ever speak again. If we’ll try to be friends again. I don’t know.

All I know is that right now he’s flying to Portland with his girlfriend. Which does hurt. I don’t know why it does, he does belong to her. And not me. But that feels so wrong. I just can’t do anything about it.

I’m going to have to tell Davide. He deserves to know, and I can’t marry him and lie to him about this. I know I didn’t physically do anything, but I wanted to.

It’s my fault. I knew better. And I’ll have to own up to it.

I called Tots on FaceTime. She knew it was serious because I normally always just Marco Polo. So she answered immediately and I just bawled my eyes out to her about it all.

Once I got it all out, I just laid there with tears streaming down my face, ashamed. She helped me feel better and said: “Monica, it’s okay to still love him as long as you’re honest about it. But you did the right thing. You loved yourself more than you love him. And I’m so proud of you for doing that. You’re incredible and he’s the one missing out.”

I knew she was right. That’s why I called her. She’s always right. I knew she’d remind me what I need to do.

After the call… I picked myself back up. I threw myself into my now finely tuned process for when I need to let go of something.

I went straight to the gym. I blasted my thug playlist and I kicked fucking ass.

I called my best friends for an impromptu night of dancing. I just want to dance and get lost in the music and be surrounded by people who genuinely care about me. I know they won’t understand, so I probably won’t tell them what happened. I guess it doesn’t really matter what happened.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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