Purpose

It’s over.

Davide and I broke up and called off the engagement last week. 

I just… I couldn’t do it anymore. It sucks, because I really do love him. What we had was so intense and incredible. He was incredible. But we jumped in too fast, and I can’t be in a relationship where I’m scared to piss him off or make a mistake. He wasn’t going to come back soon, and I just couldn’t stay where we’re at, so I called it.

I haven’t told anyone about it outside of 2-3 of my closest friends. Part of me hoped that maybe things would turn around. They haven’t.

I took the weekend to really process it all and to focus on myself. When everything went down with my mom… I didn’t even have the heart to tell them. They’d just think I’m more of a fuck up then they already do.

Overall, I’m doing good. I’m clearly sad about it. I really really love Davide. It’s tough and I miss him. So I’m spending a lot of time at the gym. Working out just clears my head. I’m also making sure I have plans each night. Being out, just helps. I’m really leaning on my friendships now more than ever. They keep me sane.

The other night, I went out with my best friend and a big group of people we hangout with. After a few shots, me and my best friend ducked out so we could have a heart to heart away from everyone else.

When I told her what’s been going on, I couldn’t help but start crying. She gave me the biggest hug and we just kinda sat there, hugging each other. What I love most about our friendship, is we just totally get each other and are there for each other on this deep level.

She told me how brave I am to face all these things and still manage to be loving to my parents. She told me how much she envies my freedom and how I can take care of myself. I cried harder and told her how much I envy her marriage. To have someone who will never give up on her, and how I want that more than anything. I’d give up the career, the travel, all of it… just for that. We just leaned against each other, both going through our different life crises. I seriously don’t know what I’d do without her.

We managed to put ourselves back together, laugh about some dumb shit and we went back inside so we could dance around. 

Best Friend’s Husband and I also had a good talk. He knows everything that has been going on and how Davide and I broke up.

I told him how I’m struggling and I feel so damn forgettable not only to my parents but to the entire male species sometimes and I just don’t get it, it confuses the hell out of me.

He and my other guy friend gave me a major prep talk. Told me that there was no way in hell any guy I’ve dated could forget about me. That I’m too funny and hot for that and my ex definitely misses me right now. Who wouldn’t? My ego definitely needed that boosting up. I feel so damn bruised.

I don’t know how to talk about this part, because it feels so shallow… maybe it is. I just feel like for the first time I’m really growing into my sexuality when I’ve spent so long ashamed of it. I’m proud of my body. Proud of my curves. I love working out.

I love who I see in the mirror. I’m not worried about what’s on the inside, because I’ve always felt damn confident about that. I know I’m smart, funny, and kind. I’m just sick of hearing only about what’s on the inside. In times like these… when I’m going through yet another breakup and dealing with shit with my parents, I don’t want to hear how smart or nice I am. I want to hear how fucking hot and amazing I am.

After a really hard day of not feeling good enough. It feels great to go out, let loose, and be reminded how incredible I am. To feel more than good enough, because I am. I do actually enjoy being single, it’s fun to flirt. I’m not ready to date, I won’t be for awhile. But it’s a nice reminder to know that I have a lot of options… it eases the heartache a bit.

I got home pretty late and drunk. I hate coming home to an empty house. So, I called Tots. I talked with my niece and we planned out our Disneyland date (I had promised to take her to Disneyland when she comes to visit next month). When she went to bed, Tots and I stayed up and I told her everything

She helped me figure out a lot. I made the right decision. I know I did. That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him, us, and everything we planned for our future. 

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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