Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.
The depression came on fast, and I felt swallowed whole by it. The worst of it hit the morning of my parents anniversary. It’s a hard pill to swallow, knowing that you love all the wrong people. That I’m cut off from all of them.
Growing up, we never celebrated any holidays, but their anniversary was one of the big things we celebrated as a family. We always did something. I didn’t realize how much that meant to me.
I knew it was coming and did my best to mentally prepare myself for it, but nothing can really prepare you for being completely shunned from your family. It felt like… being left out on Christmas or Thanksgiving. There is nothing else in the world like it, and it’s not something I talk about with anyone really… but it’s probably one of the most painful things I’ve ever gone through.
When I heard that they were taking family portraits without me, and including my brothers new fiancé instead, it felt like I had been stabbed. The wound from being replaced, yet again… it cut deep. Do they even miss me? Did they ever even love me? Why am I so easy to replace?
I couldn’t stop sobbing. The mean voice inside my head was particularly cruel that day. She tore me apart, limb from limb. Saying things like “You could die and no one would care” I sobbed harder.
The voice is probably right. Well… not that no one would care. People would. Just not the ones that I want to.
I felt hopeless and despondent. I let the sobs swallow me whole and I laid in bed cuddling my dog Cliff, I cried myself to asleep.
I woke up later to Cliff licking my face. Which is his way of telling me that he needs to go PEE like, now. I threw on a shirt and took him outside.
I mentally tried to pick myself back up. “You’re going to be okay. You’ll survive this. You’re strong. You’re incredible. You can do this.”
I mustered up enough energy to grab my beach bag and grab my board. I made my way to the ocean.
Sometimes the only thing that makes sense to me is the ocean. When I find myself drowning in my own thoughts, something about the salt water brings me so much perspective. Reminds me who I am.
I caught a wave or two, but was exhausted from the crying, so I paddled in early. Then I laid out and wrote my heart out.
I feel like this confusing ball of emotions.
I’m mad at my parents, for never seeing my worth. For replacing me so easily. I can’t even write about it without completely unraveling. So I won’t.
Hurt that Josh… that nothing about him makes sense. He reminded me of all the promises we once made to each other. That I’d always mean something, he’d always come back, and he’d always want me. I’d written each of those off, so why remind me of them when he didn’t mean any of it? Was it just to fuck with my mind? To prove how little I meant? To show he had the upper hand? Did he want to hurt me? I thought he was always going to be my friend but he’s not. Was any of it even real? Was everything he said to me a lie?
I’m frustrated with myself, for falling for lies. Mostly, I hate myself for letting myself get hurt. That’s when the real truth hit me like a ton of bricks. They’re all better off without me. That’s why this keeps happening. The reality of that is the worst feeling in the world, like a stab to the gut, and I let the sobs overtake me again. It’s why I felt depressed, hopeless, and despondent. It didn’t matter how hard I tried, I’ll never mean anything to them. So what’s even the point?
I do my best to quiet the mean voice in my head that continues to tells me to give up.
I’m better now… Days like that a few are far between, but they still happen. I still drown in the pain that comes from being ignored/shunned from the people you care the most about. People that would be better off if you didn’t exist.