I was running errands. It was beautiful day after all the rain.
And I happened to park next to a white van. After I got out of the car and read the writing ‘Chem Dry’ along the side of the van, suddenly I felt like I got punched in the gut.
The white van was my ex’s dads.
There his dad sat with his feet up on the dash. He was an older kinda handsome, with salt and pepper hair and kind eyes that reminded me of Josh.
All of the stories my ex told me about his dad flooded through my head. His love of the Lakers. The way he was so talkative. My heart shredded.
All week long I hadn’t thought of my ex Josh at all. Hadn’t dreamed of him inside me. No passing thoughts whatsoever. I had decided that I was going to forget him completely. Forget he existed. Forget that we happened. Forget that he’s out there breathing the same air as me…. and now this. Thanks for the reminder universe.
I wish there was a way to get amnesia about a person. Forget everything about them and what they told you.
I took a deep breath and did my best to move forward. My head now filled with thoughts of my ex. Why do I still think of him?
Why does it still hurt? Because I still crave his body. God, I wish it didn’t. I did my best to push all the sexual urges out of my mind.
In a weak moment, I picked up my phone and texted him that I saw his dad. As soon as I hit Send, I regretted it. I shouldn’t have done it. Why can’t you unsend a damn text?
He’s pretending I don’t exist anymore, I’m actually glad he didn’t respond. He doesn’t want to be in my life, and I don’t want him to fake it. It had finally gotten easier for me to forget his existence. Now I felt miserable.
Later, I met up with my friend for drinks at our usual Starbucks off 17th that has a Foosball table. It’s one of my favorite Starbucks to cowork from.
I did my best to smile bright and greet him with a big hug, but I could tell that he knew instantly that something was up.
After we got our drinks we settled into a game of foosball.
“So, are you going to tell me what’s on your mind?” he asked. I could tell he was doing his best to ease into whatever was bothering me.
I sighed, trying to figure out how to even explain how shredded my heart felt. Then I spilled my guts.
Jeremy knew all about my ex, he was around when we were talking again and then when we stopped. He was one of the people I was most honest about how I was feeling. He nodded patiently when I told him how I hadn’t thought of him at all. I cut it all off, and then felt like I got smacked right in the face with that fact that he’s out there somewhere.
“Why didn’t you say Hi?” he asked
“Oh, that would’ve gone over GREAT. I just walk up to his van, ‘Hi Josh’s dad- I’m Monica. The chick that never met you are your wife after dating your son for 10 years, that broke your son’s heart too many times to count. But not nearly as much as he broke my heart, so it’s okay!’ I can’t even imagine the version of events that Josh has told them about me! I know he didn’t tell them about the cheating and all of the other shit he’s put me through. They probably hate me!”
Jeremy was quiet for awhile, finally he gently said, “Monica, have you ever considered that you are WAY out his league. Why him?”
Even though he said it gently, I felt like I got punched in the gut. I always hated it when Josh used to tell me I was too good for him and out of his league. Who says I’m better than him? But, Jer has a point… why him? Why Josh?
I thought about it for awhile before I said “I don’t know.”
Jeremy raised his eyebrow at me. “Yes, you do. What do you think of when you’re missing him?”
I flashed back to Josh’s handsome face. Our insane sexual chemistry. His body. But… that wasn’t what I missed. Even though Jeremy hadn’t said it, I knew him well enough to know what he was thinking. I’ve dated better looking guys. So what set Josh apart?
I bit my lip, trying to think through the emotions. His mind? I loved how smart he was, how he challenged and accepted me at the same time. I hated his ignorance, selfishness, and how cruel he would be to me. Yet I loved how he knew every part of me. That at one point, he felt like my family. The things I was too scared to tell anyone else he knew and would talk me through and he still loved me despite it all. Never gave up on me. That’s when my brain came up to a screeching halt. Loved. Past tense. And he did give up on me.
I know I’m not in love with him anymore, I haven’t been for awhile. I still have love for him, in that I still care about him. The things I liked the most about him are gone. He wasn’t who I thought he was. He had pretended to be that person. Pretended to be a nice guy. Pretended to care.
Seeing his dad was a reminder that Josh is out there and we breathe the same air. Yet he’s too blind to see how incredible I am.
Maybe Jeremy is right, I am out of his league. It’s funny because I’d never accept that kind of treatment from anyone else. I don’t hate him… I know he’s out there, and I wish him all the love and happiness in the world. But he chose this. He chose alllll of this… not being friends. I can’t change it. I don’t have a say in it. Only he does.
I’m not hung up on him. I am over it. What I was hung up on was the “What if” and never knowing for sure. I just wanted to know.
That doesn’t mean I’m going to sit around driving myself crazy thinking about how I need him inside me. Helllll no. I’m way too good for that and I know in my gut that even though he thinks he made the right decision for him, I also know it’s wasn’t the right decision in the long run and he’s going to regret it because ‘What If’s’ always come back to haunt you.