So this post… has been a long time coming. I’m actually kinda nervous to write it. To get it all out on paper.
I got stuck in this pattern in my life… where I needed someone else to hold me together. I was too broken and too scared to do it myself. And it was so fucking unhealthy. At the same time… I had to be the person, that everyone (my parents) wanted me to be, so they would love me. I didn’t know how to survive without their love.
My ex Josh was the person that consistently held me together through those times. He wasn’t the only one… there were others, my closest friends, my sister, my cousins…. but Josh… he was the main one. I’m never going to get a chance to say this to him, but I need to say it somewhere… I am forever grateful to him for it. I love him for it. He was one of my truest friends when I needed them the most. What sucked the most about it… is he got the short end of that stick. He never got what he truly wanted from me, and for that reason I feel like I owe him something. I know I hurt him in my own ways, just as he hurt me. But at the end of the day I will forever be grateful that he was in my life, because for the longest time he was the glue that held me together. That is the reason I will never ever hate him.
So losing him, broke me in ways I couldn’t imagine. I shattered and then I had to go back and rebuild myself.
I had to come to the realization that all of the brokenness and pain I felt, isn’t because of another person… it’s because of me. I created all of the discomfort I felt. I had to face that. It was incredibly painful and humbling, but worth it.
I had so much emotional maturing to do. I have so many childhood traumas that I ran away from for far too long. I had to face each of them and see everything they were causing, and fix it.
I think one of my biggest issues in my relationship with my ex was that I used to think that if you don’t need someone, you don’t love them. If they don’t need you, they don’t love you.
Then to take that a step further, I expected him to love me more than I loved myself. I thought it was his job as my partner to make me feel a certain way. And it wasn’t. I couldn’t have been more wrong about that.
It was my job to love me and make myself happy. I was just too scared to face myself and all of the traumas. When I was out of that relationship… I had to face myself, and rebuild from the ground up. In the process, I became the person I always wanted to be and I have never felt so loved in my life. Everything changed and I find myself grateful to my ex for that too.
Ride or Die
When I was explaining this to Davide… I figured out something pretty substantial and it kinda blew my mind.
I once viewed Josh as my life partner, as my family. We had broken up and gotten back together so many times I thought we were indestructible. I don’t know how to explain it, other than that I thought I would always be in his life. No matter what relationships we were both in, even if it was to other people, our friendship would surpass that. Because frankly at the end of the day, I don’t really care who he’s fucking, I want to be his friend and be in his life after everything he’s done for me. The only term I can think of to describe that, is his ‘ride or die’. Even when I started dating Davide, I though that no matter what, if he needed something I’d be there for him. That even if it was 5, 10, or 20 years down the road we’d find a way to have our friendship survive.
When we started talking again… unconsciously I felt like “I’m still his ride or die. I’ll always his best friend, the person he can’t push away no matter what. Relationship or not, I will always be there for him.” And that meant a lot to me.
But that… isn’t reality. I don’t think we were on the same page, or that he feels that way too. I wish it was true, I wish that we could take whatever the past 10 years were and walk away with some sort of friendship or kinship.
That was why my mind kept going back to him, because I incorrectly thought of myself as his Ride or Die friend and I had this internal struggle where I was still trying to find a way to believe in him and that we could have that.
What I realize now is he was damn close to being my life partner. To having me be a person that he could reach out to and would always be there for him. But Ride or Dies are not one-sided. It’s a partnership and that partnership is gone now. If you can’t respect me enough to keep in touch, how can I be any kind of Ride or Die person, because you’re not a friend… you’re a stranger.
So while I will forever be grateful for what he once did for me… even though what happened recently was some fucked up game to him… I’m in a place where I have mentally let go on the ‘life partner’ and ‘ride or die’ bullshit I once told myself about us. I see it for what it really was to him, an ‘Almost’ and I’m going to forget it all ever happened. Forget he existed.
Davide came back
I told all of this to Davide. Every word of it.
The day after my parents anniversary. He showed up on my doorstep.
I opened up my door, and there he was with his luggage.
The second I saw him, my heart burst out of my chest and I jumped into his arms and wrapped my legs around him while squealing.
He staggered back for a second, since I almost knocked him over. But then wrapped his arms around me in the biggest hug. We both laughed, shocked and startled by my reaction.
I pressed our foreheads together and I looked up into his eyes, “Why are you here???” My heart was jumping outside of my chest because it was filled with all the hope in the world. Was he here because he loved me? Or was he here to get back the ring? Shit. I shouldn’t have jumped on him if it was the latter. He would’ve called beforehand if it was the latter, right? Right??
He took a deep breath and tears started to fill his eyes. He asked if he could come inside.
When he came inside, we spent hours talking through everything… both of us opening up and crying. He flew half way across the world, because he couldn’t imagine his life without me.
My heart is so full. I have no doubts. No ‘What Ifs’. Everything in my life happened for a reason to bring me here to him… I fucked up at first with him. But our relationship couldn’t be better at this point.
He knows me so well. Now that we’ve both had the time and space to figure ourselves out, we’re coming back to our relationship even better people. He now completely understands the whole Josh thing . He tells me how grateful he is that I had Josh to lean on, and how he feels indebted to him, for keeping me safe for so long.
Moral of the story? I have had incredible people in my life. Incredible. My ex is one of those people and I will forever love him for that. But we didn’t work out because I wasn’t the person I needed to be, but I’m that person now. Now I’ve let go of the parts of myself that were holding onto this whole ‘Ride or Die’ concept I always thought we were. We’re both with the people we’re meant to be with and I have found so much peace in that. So much hope & joy for my future. It was a painful lesson, but one that I feel I completely learned.