“Hey, I’m going to marry you” he whispers softly as I wake up to him caressing my face. When I open my eyes, I wonder if I am even waking up? Or is this a dream? I smile over at him and he traces his thumb over my cheek. I melt because I can’t wait to be his wife.
The overwhelm of it all hit me this afternoon. After Davide and I picked out our Christmas tree, a few of my friends picked me up after work and I started my wedding dress shopping.
I modeled a few dresses for my friends. They were all pretty but none of them were right. I was in the dressing room trying on the most beautiful dress that had this low back that I loved.
The Ex that keeps popping up
That’s when a reminder on my phone popped up that made tears instantly well up in my eyes. I had set a reminder in my phone last year to remind myself to plan a surprise for my ex Josh’s upcoming birthday. The guy I at one point thought I was going to marry. The guy that I had considered the love of my life.
Fuuuuuck! What are the chances I’m trying on wedding dresses when that pops up? I cried. I felt this deep pain and guilt. He was not supposed to be the thing that popped up here, while I’m in a wedding dress. The longing for something I’ll never have… hurts. I felt broken.
I did my best to wipe away the tears. My ex… he doesn’t care about me. Doesn’t love me. Wants nothing to do with me. And yet he still pops up in my life. Why?
I called it, I couldn’t try on wedding dresses after that. My friends and I went to grab a few drinks. They could tell something was on my mind. So Jessica, the most blunt out of all of my friends finally called me out on it. I opened my phone and showed them the calendar reminder that popped up while I was in the dressing room.
“Well shit. We need shots” Jessica stated, then waved the waitress over and ordered us some tequila shots. 😂
We discussed it at length.
“Just fuck him! You just need to bang it out a little!” Jessica said, as blunt as ever. “Did you tell him you wanted to fuck? No guy will say ‘No’ to you.”
“Yup. I begged for it. We planned on it. He backed out and hasn’t spoken to me since.” I couldn’t even make eye contact while I said it. I felt ashamed. Davide knew all of this, it was part of the reason we broke up for a bit. Was I more ashamed that my ex turned down fucking me or that I was willing to do that to Davide?
Their reactions said it all.
The general consensus after that was “There is nothing else to do at this point. Move on. He has to be either an idiot or gay to turn down fucking you. Let him regret it.”
I ordered another shot. We analyzed why he keeps popping up in my life. Seeing his dad and stupid calendar reminders.
I am happy. I am moving on. I’m no longer the girl I was when I was with him. Not by a long shot. But still…
I realized part of it for me is that it’s because he gave up on me, when I had refused to give up on him so many times. I’m not angry about it. I hold no resentment. I genuinely love him for everything he brought into my life. I wouldn’t be the person I am today, if I had never met him. But the guy I considered the love of my life leaving like that… wrecked me and it didn’t even seem to affect him at all. Was it ever even love? It felt like a total mind fuck.
I’ll get over it. It doesn’t change anything. Of course he’s going to pop up in my life, I was with him for a decade. I’m not now. He hates me. It’s over. I’m moving on. That’s all there is to it.
I came home to Davide a bit drunk. He had made dinner and then started teaching me how to decorate the tree (it’s my first Christmas). We fell into our easy rhythm, while we listened to some playlists I had put together for our wedding. It would’ve been the perfect romantic evening. But I still felt broken and miserable.
“What’s wrong angel?” he asked as he reached out and caressed my cheek. Normally, I’d hide this from him, but I can’t self destruct. He deserves better. Instead we took a break from decorating, I got us some wine, and settled onto the couch together. I pulled up the calendar reminder, showed it to him, and told him what happened.
He didn’t get angry, hurt, or even upset. He was so understanding, we just talked about it. “Do you need to see him?” he asked me. I shrugged. I literally can’t, so it doesn’t matter. Seeing him doesn’t change anything.
After that Davide told me how he knows I was used to an open relationship. He just doesn’t think he is capable of doing one in the long run… All he knows is that he loves me and he wants me to have all of the answers I need. So if I need to see my ex, spend time with him, or even hook up with him… he gave me permission to do it.
He said he felt confident in our relationship after everything I shared with him. He asked me if I still want to marry him, I told him of course I do. Then he said if a fling with my ex helps me move forward, he’ll support it. He thinks that the main thing that is eating at me is the not knowing and losing someone that was my best friend. He wasn’t concerned about losing me, he was concerned that I’m in pain over it.
Davide… he surprised me. I did not expect for him to say anything like that in a million years. That he was okay with me fucking my ex. I guess all of the work we’ve been doing has been helping. I thought I couldn’t love him more. But I fell even harder for him in that moment.
I told him I appreciated it and would keep it in mind, but I didn’t see anything happening. My ex was done and whatever questions I have, I’m finding the answers to them myself, I don’t need him back in my life.
For me, this just really cements what an incredible catch I have on my hands. He really loves me if he was willing to do that. It doesn’t actually change anything… but it helps knowing he has my back.
I went through the rest of my upcoming Calendar reminders and removed a few more I had added over the years. So it won’t happen again. One day I’m going to look back on all of this and laugh. I hate that I still desire my ex sexually, but I do. One day… that’ll change. One day I won’t even remember him. It’ll be a totally different life. That’s what he wants though.
Then I hit the gym to clear my head. Best way to get my ex out of head is to keep moving forward. Focus on the future. Focus on my goals. And right now it’s that my honeymoon body is going to be ridiculous and I have a naked photo shoot to get ready for! 😂