This weekend was all about Davide and I, spending as much time together as possible before he left. He left my body the most delicious kind of sore and I really miss him already. I’m trying not to think about it. So I’ll write about our great weekend instead.
Friday was the company Christmas dinner. A few of my favorite coworkers and I met up in downtown Santa Ana to pre-game before the dinner. Davide is still getting used to pre-gaming. Then we went to the fancy restaurant for the dinner. The company bought out the restaurant. The food was delicious, my coworkers were a ton of fun, I danced a lot, and the whiskey was strong.
Davide already knows a lot of my coworkers. He had already met a good portion of my coworkers back in Florida when he flew out. So the night was basically a continuation of that. He’s incredible with everyone, so damn charming and funny. I was fairly drunk from the whiskey shots- so I dragged him into the bathroom for some action. Yeahhhh… I can’t believe I did that, but that was actually pretty fucking awesome.
After dinner, we jumped into an Uber with some my favorite coworkers and ended up going to a bar in San Clemente.
I had SOOOO much fun!! I was pretty drunk already and in a great mood. So I danced my ASS off. I love our chemistry together. How we play off of each other and have so much fun.
By that point I couldn’t keep my hands off of him and we ended up sneaking away to mess around for a bit. That was even better than the first time.
After that we got an Uber home and stayed up pretty much all night… when he showed me the sketches he made of me.
Saturday was incredible. I woke up to my favorite flowers on my bedside table and we had pretty hot sex all morning.
We watched One Day. I cried because at some points it reminded me of Josh. I pushed that thought away.
“When you don’t want to care about someone and you still do, that’s love”.
I still do care, and I don’t want to. I almost don’t think about him at all anymore. Even though I just miss my best friend and wish I could talk to him about it. This wedding is moving really fast and I’m scared. I’m wondering when the desire for him will go away.
I have to remind myself that he doesn’t want to be my friend though, and he doesn’t care about me. That helps with forgetting him.
That movie ended up triggering a bigger conversation with Davide though, he told me that would be him if anything ever happened to me.
We talked about a lot tough stuff, mostly my skeletons in the closet. I told him about my depression. Explained how it happens and how feeling unloved or unwanted are my main triggers for it. When it happens, it feels like I’m sucked in a black hole that I don’t know how to get out of.
He asked me for details about the suicidal thoughts that pop up. I told him about the worst of it that happened over the summer. Explained how I got out of it, but it was close. It was nice to talk about it, it made it less scary having someone know about the thoughts that torment me. Not very many people know how close it got. That I am lucky to be alive right now.
He just wrapped me in his arms and held me. Later he told me how much it scares him to think of a world without me in it. Of his life without me. It was a heavy conversation, but it was nice knowing I have all of his love and support. No matter how broke I can be sometimes.
I finally feel like… someone would care if I was gone. He would. I always used to feel like even though my friends, family, and boyfriend loved me, that they’d be better off if I was gone. That ended up being true, which was a trigger, but now has become just a reality. I came out stronger for it. Triggers are tough, but they can be beat. At least now there is someone out there whose life would forever be altered if I wasn’t around anymore. It’s a weird thing to care about, but it matters to me.
I’ve been thinking about that conversation a lot… which is difficult because I’m so disappointed in who I was and what I did to myself. There is this one quote that I read once and I can’t seem to mentally let go of.
“Forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time. Forgive yourself for giving away your power. Forgive yourself for past behaviors. Forgive yourself for the survival patterns and traits you picked up while enduring trauma. Forgive yourself for being who you needed to be.” – Unknown
I’ve had to forgive myself first. I had to recognize my patterns so that I don’t find myself in the same space again.
We all make mistakes. I can’t go back and change what happened and even if I could… I’m not sure that would do any good because there’s so many lessons that were buried in that very dark time of my life.
All I can do is promise to be a better version of myself moving forward and follow through on that promise.
You can’t fight pain with more pain. So beating myself up about it, only makes it worse. Instead, I hold space for myself, even in the moments where it’s hard to look at my reflection. Even when I’m not proud of how I acted, what I did, and who I was.
I tried to focus on the fact that:
I will and have grown from this.
It’s hard to think about how close I was to not being alive today. It’s pretty scary actually how I gave up completely. It was even harder to admit that to Davide. But, I forgive myself for it now. Well, at least most days I do.
Concert vs. Road Trip
Davide had planned out Saturday for us, we got a couples massage from my favorite Thai masseuse and he pampered me all afternoon. Then we ran some errands related to the wedding.
I was really excited to go to a concert with my friends at the Observatory, but he wanted to go see the snow in Big Bear instead. So we decided to take a spontaneous roadtriiippp for our last night together before he left! I felt like we needed that time to get away, just me and him. He grabbed my favorite snacks from the store and even rented us the cutest cabin for the night.
It was super romantic, just spending the night with him in a cabin. I didn’t want to leave. I loved it so much that I didn’t even care that it meant cancelling my regular Sunday brunch plans at American Junkie with my closest friends.
Instead we woke up early, got breakfast and played around in the snow. I started a snowball fight. He picked me up and threw me in the snow, which started this wrestling match that had us laughing pretty hysterically. A small part of the reason I’m sore.
Then we had to go, because his flight was later that night. Thankfully he didn’t really have to pack. He’s only taking a few things back to Italy with him since the plan is for him to pack up as much as of his stuff back in Italy to bring here.
We ended up spending most of our time in bed, just being with each other. I wanted every second of this weekend to never end.
It was tough saying bye at the airport. Neither of us wanted to let go. I totally cried on the drive home from the airport. My place already feels so empty without him. Even Cliff misses him, he keeps whining and looking for him.