“I will always love you more than anyone.”
I wake up in a sweat from a dream that felt all too real. With his voice still ringing in my ears.
Tears are streaming down my face. Cliff feels me wake up and pops his head out from under the covers to check on me. When he sees the tears he kisses my face, sweetly. I honestly don’t know where I’d be without this dog. He’s saved me so many times.
I scoop Cliff up and we tip toe to the living room, I grab a blanket, head outside and start walking to the ocean. It’s dark outside, I didn’t look at the clock but I’m guessing it’s around 3am. I finally settle myself into the warm sand. It’s freezing outside and the wind is strong. I don’t care about the cold.
I’m so damn frustrated with myself. It’s been months since Josh and I broke up and sometimes in the middle of the night it still hurts just as much as it did then.
The words he said about always loving me more than anyone else echoing in my ears, but they were all lies. Josh hates me.
My eyes flood with tears at the thought of it. Damn. Why was this still happening? He doesn’t care about me. Why does this matter? That’s when it hits me.
After 10 years together he loves her more than he ever loved me and that realization… literally makes me feel like I’ve been stabbed in the stomach. The pain is sharp, intense, and still too real.
I let myself cry and the sobs overtake me. The pain from all of the hope that I had put into those words and those promises, from all of the lies- it rushes in and consumes me.
I wish that didn’t hurt so much. I wish it didn’t hurt at all.
“He doesn’t care. He doesn’t love me. He never did. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t matter anymore.” I whisper to myself… trying to soothe myself. Convince myself that the stabbing pain I feel isn’t real. But it is. I can feel it.
This is what it feels like to really have loved someone.
It’s painful and all consuming. He used to always say “love you the mostest” that was another lie. I know because he doesn’t feel any of this pain and I do.
He used to say he’d be ruined by our breakup and would be absolutely devastated. He promised that his nonchalant attitude towards it was just a defense mechanism. But it wasn’t. He was and is completely nonchalant towards it, and I am the one who still wakes up crying, devastated.
When we broke up, I feel like I got saddled with the worst end of it. He happily moved on with his life with ease. He fell in love with her more than he ever loved me. He forgot about and tossed me aside like I meant nothing. Maybe I am nothing. Why does everything about him and how we ended make me feel like I wasn’t good enough?
I hang my head at the thought. How can loving someone so intensely leave me feeling so damn broken? I feel like such a fucking fool for believing his lies. I’m filled with rage… at myself for being so stupid. I take a deep breath. I thought I was over this.
I build myself back up, slowly. I know I’m not nothing. I’m incredible. I’m so kind, smart, and beautiful. Things he was blind to.
“He is gone.” I whisper into the dark. That man broke me in ways I didn’t know was possible. He is long gone. Love like that… ruins you. Did he want to ruin me like this? Would he even care that I’m still in pain? No, he wouldn’t. If he did- he’d try. Somehow, someway. That’s what you do when someone matters to you.
I won’t let this pain ruin me or my life. I just wish… that after 10 years of being best friends… I wish we were at least friends. I miss him the friendship part of him so deeply, like a piece of me is missing. I hate that. Especially because he doesn’t feel the same way. He doesn’t miss me at all.
I’m moving past it. Getting married. I’m starting a life I know I deserve.
But the promises he once made to me still haunt my dreams and they still break my heart over and over again.
Is it always going to be like this? Am I still going to wake up from this pain years from now? Or will one day I forget him completely- the way he seems to have forgotten me?