Davide Josh

Wedding & Bondage and Nipple Clamps? 🙈

I have a shit ton to write about, so… this is going to be a long one. Buckle in!

Wedding Update
Bondage & Nipple Clamps
Bachelorette Party
Dusty
My ex, Josh Newton

Wedding Update

The cold feet have gone away! 🎉

Davide and I have talked about my cold feet extensively. We’ve discussed every single doubt or concern. Then we came up with a plan that I’m really happy with. Our wedding is complicated due to the whole paperwork aspect of it all. In our case, I think it’s working out in our favor and with our new direction… I feel completely at peace.

I am genuinely excited for the wedding. I’m actually not stressed. I haven’t been at all during the whole planning process, despite our short engagement. The only thing I had been worried about was my cold feet. Now that’s resolved… I can’t wait to see all of my family. I can’t wait to start our lives together.

The color of the dresses, what we eat, seating charts, wedding favors, those details aren’t of huge importance to me. What is important to me, is that my closest friends and family are there. That we all have a blast while they witness me saying my vows to my husband. And then we dance the night away.

Can you believe I get to marry this stud?

Why didn’t I expect anything different?

The only painful part of it all, is my parents. They’re happy I’m getting married, but they won’t be attending and won’t be the least bit involved. It’s weird because they’re so involved with my brothers wedding, helping to plan every detail (his wedding is at the end of the month) and yet they can’t even bother to attend mine.

It sucks because my mom was telling me all about my future sister in law’s wedding dress and how they went to so many stores to try dress after dress on. Yet my mom wouldn’t even go with me to one store, not one fitting, nothing. I invited her. I tried. It just breaks my heart completely. I wanted to share one good thing with her.

I don’t know why I expected anything different… why I still hold out hope that one day they’ll love me enough to care. It doesn’t matter how hard I try with them. How many months I cover their rent or utilities. How much I tell them I love them. Just because I don’t have the same religious beliefs… I’ll never be enough to them.

My parents have always made me feel like I am never enough. Even when I kill myself trying. Even now… I just wish they cared. I think that’s the main common thread in my life. With all of the people that are breaking my heart. My parents, Josh, old friends… I just wish they cared. Because I care about them so much. Too much.

The bright spot in it all, is that I’ve been surrounded by the people who love me the most.

My favorite cousin Tots and her family flew out here in time for Christmas and have been mostly staying with Davide and I. I love having them here. They feel like home to me. Them being around makes me wonder, is this what having a functional family feels like? Warm, happy, full of so much laughter. I’ve never had any of that, until now.

It’s made the past few weeks feel pretty blissful, despite so much shit going on.

Bondage and Nipple Clamps

The only downside to Tots and her family being around is that it puts a damper on our sex life.

Thankfully, Tots went to go stay with my sister mid last week before heading home to Kauai and as much as we loved having them, Davide and I were PUMPED.

Davide was really excited. He came home one day and kicked me out of our bedroom. When he let me back in, I saw that he had installed bondages on our bed.

We used them heavily. I was a little nervous because I never really thought about using any of that. But we both ended up loving it. Got lost in it and giving up control like that… it was just WOW. I pulled against the restraints so hard they cut into my wrists and ankles and now I have marks there. Which I’m doing my best to hide. We reluctantly decided we’ll need to take a break from the bondages until the honeymoon. It’ll be hard to hide any marks at the wedding.

He also got…. nipple clamps!

It took me an hour to get over the initial shock of what he wanted to do. I was really nervous about it. I’ve never used them before. Never even thought about it. Turns out…. I love them.

We played with them one night, and my nipples are already crazy sensitive, but then with them…. It was insane. It was like they made my whole body ache. I literally came SO hard because of them.

THEN the next night we had plans to hit Happy Hour at the Spectrum with Tots and a bunch of my friends. Davide had me wear them under my shirt. It was cold, so I was wearing a big jacket anyways, which hid them… but oh my gawwd.

It was incredible. Any friction seemed to irritate them, which only made me crazy for him. Him seeing my reaction to them made him crazy for me. So we ended up just sneaking off a lot. It was incredibly hot, I felt like I just couldn’t get enough. We play with them every night now. They have a chain that connects them and sometimes he grabs the chain and leads me with it. I don’t know how something can hurt so fucking bad and feel so fucking good at the same time.

I love trying out new things with him. I can’t wait for our honeymoon.

I get to pick up the photo book I had created from the secret Boudoir shoot I did last month. Which is my honeymoon surprise to Davide. He is going to die over it, and I can’t wait to show him.

Mission: Honeymoon Body has been a raging success


Bachelorette Party

I’ve had two Bachelorette Parties, and one more planned while we’re in Kauai, which is going to be super tame to accommodate some of my other cousins. It’s probably best that I leave the details offline. All I’m going to say, is so far both Bachelorettes were epic and we got LIT. For me the highlight is being surrounded by my closest friends and favorite cousins- I couldn’t be happier. I feel like the luckiest girl to have them as my friends and I had SO MUCH FUN!! I wish I could relive those nights over and over again.

Davide is going out with his guy friends when they fly out for his Bachelor party but it’ll be a kinda tame situation since they’re mostly married and none are familiar with California. So I talked him into letting me plan a night of fun for him. I picked out a stripper and have been chill as fuck about everything. I hope he likes it, but we’ll see? I should win Fiancé of the year award, right?

Dusty

My ex Dusty called and wants to see me.

He’s having a tough time with me getting married. He told me how he thought we’d end up getting back together. That he thought Davide was just a phase and how the time we were together was one of the best times of his life. He just wants to go back.

I’m so confused because he seems like he’s in a happy relationship. At least that’s what it looks like according to Instagram. But he says he can’t stop thinking of me when he’s with her. Can’t help but compare everything she does to me.

He’s not sure if he can make it to the wedding, thinks it’ll be too hard to attend. Which I’m really bummed about. I understand him not wanting to be there, but he was an important part of my life. He got me through one of the most difficult times I’ve ever faced.

I don’t know if I should see him. I want to give him closure. I know how hard it is to move on without it. But at the same time… it feels like a recipe for disaster.

It’s hard, because I don’t feel the same way he does. I have so much love and respect for him, and the time we spent together meant a lot to me… I just know that’s all we were ever meant to be. Being together felt great… I just don’t crave more of it. I’m okay with what happened. Davide was okay with me seeing him. I just haven’t figured out what I want to do yet.

I guess I just want everything to turn out okay. It’s a small island and we’ll be seeing each other around when I’m on the island. I don’t want him to spend his life avoiding me or hurt.

The Ex, Josh Newton

I found peace with the whole my ex Josh situation. It hasn’t been the easiest task, since we were together for 10 years. You don’t realize how many little buried land mines I’m still finding in my life, from him.

I’ve been beating myself up for months with all of the things I should’ve done differently. I was full to the brim with regrets, could’ve dones, and should’ve beens. When I really shouldn’t have been. He was the one to always cheat, so why am I the one that is stuck with the guilt?

I came to the realization that the only thing I really avoided was a divorce. Josh was always going to leave me, he was never really truly invested in me and in being my family.

We had promised each other forever too many times to count. He had said he wanted us to get married and have kids with me, but issues in our relationship were always popping up (lying, cheating, etc.) that had me questioning how he really felt. Which was why I held back.

Even if I had married him. He still would’ve fallen for Alex. Nothing would’ve changed. And even if it wasn’t Alex- it would’ve been someone else. Because despite what he said and how many times he said it, Josh never really wanted to marry me. He didn’t truly want forever. An even better question is why would I want forever with someone so disloyal?

That new found knowledge hurts, but I’ve found peace knowing that while it sucks, this is how it was always supposed to be. I’m not meant to be with him, and really us ending just saved me a whole lot of heartache down the line.

Sometimes the people you care about the most, don’t give a shit about you and there is nothing in the world you can do to fix it. You gotta let it all go. No anger. No hate or resentment. I lost someone who didn’t care about me, he lost someone who did.

Yeah, I’m disappointed in who he turned out to be, in how much he lied to me… but I accept it completely now. It’s time to focus on my future. I wish him the best. I wish… he could’ve at least been my friend after all we went through. But I have no regrets at this moment. He didn’t love me. I found someone who really does. It’s better this way.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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