Davide and I were back on Kauai for the week.
I’ve been looking forward to this trip unlike ever before. Counting down the hours. Practically bouncing in anticipation. The island that felt like my home, was calling to my heart more than usual.
When I landed, I immediately felt the ‘I am home’ feeling. To me, home doesn’t consistent of four walls. It consists of people that I leave pieces of my heart with.
I don’t know how to describe it, other than that my cousin Tati- she’s one of my homes. She’s my North Star. She guides me and is just, MY human. Always in my corner.
As soon as I reached the baggage carousel Tots and I ran at each other jumping and squealing- wrapping each other in the biggest hug. Kaileaha (her daughter) jumped in right after her and insisted on me spinning her around and around.
Even though we’re adults we talk about how when we “grow up” we want to be next door neighbors. She wants me to move back onto the island sooo badly and we’re really close to doing it now that the property in Poipu is alllllmost done.
They dropped me off to get my rental car. And then we met up with my cousins at Olympic Cafe for lunch. We had a boisterous lunch. Laughing loudly and just talking constantly.
We eventually went back to Tots House, we had a big family BBQ. It was an incredible evening, just being surrounded by some of my favorite people. We got drank way too much and played board games. I made a point to spend extra time with my little cousins, who are fresh out of high school and still trying to figure out their lives. Kaileaha and I played a pretty epic game of hide and seek, and chased each other around the house, giggling. My heart felt SO FULL. I needed this. Needed to be back here with them. Eventually, everyone left or went to sleep and Tots and I did our usual first night back on the island tradition, which is we stay up allllll night and really catch up.
Since Davide had fallen asleep on the couch, we went to the downstairs bedroom and kept doing whiskey shots.
Pretty much immediately, Tots called me out on my shit. She could sense it a mile away. She knew right away that I was off with my relationship.
My doubts about the relationship came out first. But Tots knows me too well. She guessed what was going on before I could even say it. So that is how I finally told her about the guy named Heartbreak.
I tell her that I’m in love with someone else. I tell her how it happened. I don’t give her any details about him- other than the fact that he’s engaged.
And Tots soaks it in. No judgement. No interrupting. Every so often she hands me the whiskey bottle, and I take another swig.
When I’m done I tell her about the guilt eating me alive. How I haven’t done anything yet. I never ever ever thought I’d be in a position where I’d ever consider cheating- but I think this guy is my soulmate and I just want to know.
We spent hours talking about him. About the situation. About me. It was hard. But she said a lot of things that made sense.
She really got down to the heart of it.
“He doesn’t really love you Mon. He’s engaged. If he really loved you, he’d end it with her before exploring anything with you. He’d know you’re worth it and wouldn’t treat you like a side piece. I know you think these are extraordinary circumstances, but it’s not. It’d be starting a relationship based on the premise of disrespecting both of your current relationships. If you start that way, where do you go from here?”
And then she hits me with the real kicker. “How is this any different from what your ex Josh did to you? You’d be doing the same exact thing to Davide. You’d be doing what she did to you, to his fiancé. And that isn’t the Monica I know.”
She’s definately right about one thing… that isn’t who I am. Who I want to be.
Then she brings out the solid point, “You haven’t been able to even sleep in the same bed as Davide you feel so guilty. Does he feel the same way? Is it business as usual- is he still fucking her every day? How do you feel about that? If he really does feel the way he says he does about you… I don’t think he’d be able to do that. Still be with her that way. That should be a red flag to you.”
It’s like Tots knows exactly where it hurts the most. She has valid questions, but it’s places I can’t let my brain go to. I can’t. It hurts too much when I do. He’s in a relationship. He owes nothing to me, and everything to her. I know that. And yet… the closer we get, the more I can’t let myself think of what their life together really entails. All I can do is focus on my relationship and doing what feels right. For me, that’s been creating physical distance. Normally I’m alllll over Davide, but it feels wrong in this situation. I know that distance is painful for him. But I don’t know what else to do.
At the end of it all, she tells me she loves me. She hears me out when I tell her all the little things I fell in love with. She agrees, this does sound like soulmate kindof stuff. And she tells me how she really feels about Davide, she really likes him, he’s a GREAT guy… but she gets why I have the doubts I do. All she wants is for me to be happy. To have the family and partner I always dreamed of. I deserve it after everything I’ve been through. She’ll support me either way.
She does want to meet Heartbreak, but just wants me to be smart and true to myself. She’s worried I’m going to screw myself over in this situation. Not to mention, she knows if I do something stupid… I’ll spend the rest of my life feeling guilty about it. When Kaia wakes up and we fill him in- he has a near identical reaction. He wants to meet this guy that makes me so happy. But coming out of this with my morals intact and doing the right thing by both men, is going to be extremely difficult.
They challenged me to do the right thing with Davide. I haven’t done anything wrong at this point, and he needs to know what’s going on and how I feel. At the end of the day, no matter how my heart feels- I want to be proud of who I am. I never planned this. But, I’ve gotta own it either way.
Tots always makes sense during the most confusing seasons of my life.
I know I have to tell Davide, but I don’t want to ruin Valentine’s for him… I just need one more day. He’s looking forward to it so much.
This is Davide’s and I first Valentine’s Day together. I’ve never been big on the holidays and presents… but he’s really excited about this one.
We flew into Kauai the day before Valentine’s, Davide was on a later flight than me, but had preordered some flowers, so they’d be there when I had arrived. (He can be so thoughtful.)
He even sent some flowers to my aunt that is a widow on the island. Davide is a class act. He truly is. It’s part of why I fell in love with him.
He knows my love for chocolate strawberries, so he also got me a few for when I picked him up from the airport.
On Thursday, Davide and Kaia surprised Tots and I, by making a batch of chocolate strawberries. 😍
Then we all dressed up because we had dinner reservations at Dukes. I went all out, and put on one of my hottest dresses. It was our first official double date with Tots and Kaia and we all had a really really awesome night. We had great food, great laughs, and I just felt so smoking hot in my dress.
Davide gave me this diamond necklace that was once his great grandmothers. The emotional weight of that…. hit me pretty hard. Especially with how I’ve been feeling about Heartbreaker. It was a gorgeous necklace, but I feel so damn guilty. I don’t deserve this.
But where he really really gets me… is the long love letter. I’ve never been big on receiving gifts. Writing, words, and letters… is where you can really have an impact on me and my heart. It’s like the key to my soul.
Davide’s letter tells me that he loves me more than the air he breathes. That fate brought me into his life and we are meant to be together. That I’m the love of his life, and he can’t wait until I’m the mother of his children. How excited he is for starting to try and start a family soon. It had me crying.
That’s when the reality of what my heart wants me to do… hits me like punch to the stomach. The impact settling deep in my gut. I feel like the worst human alive.
Tears fill my eyes. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face into his chest. He lifts my chin and softly kisses my tears away. Then kisses me. I know deep in my heart that I’m in deep deep shit and I don’t know what to do. I know I have to tell him. Soon.
Later that night, a dealbreaker came up with Heartbreaker. I just felt completely shattered. I cried. I couldn’t sleep. I just completely love that guy. But it hits me… Davide and I wanted to start a family soon, why am I throwing away a life with someone who is completely dedicated to me- someone I love… for a situation that is just completely insecure?
The words that Tots said the night before, ring in my ears- I am not just a side piece. We both have obligations to our relationships and the incredible people we’re with. I respect him for not forgetting that. I just know my own heart. I know I can’t go down a road of dragging this out longer. What if he doesn’t leave her? What if I wait around and he changes his mind? I respect him SO MUCH, but I have to walk away from whatever is going on between us. So I do. And the pain of that was so damn intense.
I end up crying to Tots about it all. She wraps me up in a hug and just comforted me. Telling me I made the right decision. We drink more whiskey, and even though I feel numb the heartache is still intense. She doesn’t say a word about Davide, but either way, I know… it’s time. I told myself after Valentine’s Day… and here we are.
I crawl into bed with Davide and wake him up. He pulls me close and kisses my forehead. All I want to do is sleep next to him one last time before it all explodes. But I know I can’t. I’ll lose my nerve. The whiskey has made me numb and that’s really the only thing I have going for me.
I convince him to grab his jacket and get out of bed. I grab the keys to the rental car. I know what I’m going to tell him is going to make him mad and I don’t want to wake up Maikaia. We have to take this out of the house, so we go and sit in the rental car in the driveway.
Then I spill my guts. I tell him how I fell in love with someone else. I tell him how long. And I tell him that I haven’t done anything yet. The only thing I don’t tell him is names. Details about the guy named Heartbreak. It’s weird, but in all things I feel protective over him. I’m the one that messed up, I need to protect his relationship and his life. That understandably makes Davide angrier.
At first he started yelling. I had braced myself for it- but my eyes just flood with tears. Then Davide gets so angry he doesn’t say a word. He just gets out of the car. Slams the door and goes on a walk. I sit in the car and cry. He’s gone for awhile. So I curl up in the backseat and drift off to sleep.
He eventually comes back. Opening the car door and waking me up.
“Have you fucked him?” he spits out. I shake my head No. “Have you kissed him?” I shake my head No again.
“But you fell in love with him?” The pain in his voice kills me. I can’t even look him in the eyes when I nod Yes.
He leaves again, slamming the car door. I wince at the sound and slump down in my seat.
He’s back within 10 minutes with more questions. And so we go. On and on. I answer his questions…. he slams the door and leaves. Then comes back with more questions. He doesn’t yell. We don’t argue. I apologize over and over.
“Are you still talking to him?” he asks me.
I nod. I am.
“I want you to stop.” he demands.
I nod. “I know… I tried to. But I’m really confused. I feel something for him… and I don’t know if that means I need to leave our relationship.”
“So you won’t stop talking to him?” he asks, clearly angry.
I bite my lip and look down at my feet.
Finally, I quietly say “Please don’t ask me to do that. I know I fucked up by letting myself catch these feelings. But, this isn’t just about him… it’s bigger than that. I’m questioning our relationship. There are a lot of things I think we need to figure out, if you even want to stay together.”
He gets mad and leaves again. When he comes back, he asks “What are you questioning?” So then I spill my guts even further. I tell him the doubts I have. How sometimes it feels like he’s controlling me. How I feel pressured, like I can’t breathe. I tell him about the triggers and how I’m trying so hard to be strong. And he listens. I cry. I’m so emotionally raw and exhausted.
When I’m done, he says “Thank you for telling me.” then pulls me into his chest and kisses my forehead. He hold me like that for awhile. We lock up the car and hand in hand go back to bed. But the sun is rising.
We sleep in. I wake up and I’m wrapped in his arms.
He kisses me and tells me that he’s not going to ask me to stop speaking to Heartbreak. He gets why I’m confused. He gets why it happened.
He told me that he didn’t care if my heart was confused and loved Heartbreak more. Davide was never ever going to give up on me. He was never going to let me go. We’re forever. Whatever I was feeling for Heartbreak was temporary, even if I didn’t feel that way now. No one could love me as intensely as he does. He knows he’s The One for me and I’m The One for him.
My heart sunk. No matter what I do, someone will get hurt. I’ll get hurt. I’m already a complete wreck that I pushed the guy named Heartbreak away, I feel so heartbroken over it, even though I know it was the right thing to do for both us and our relationships. I know telling Davide was the right thing to do… but it was fucking hard and my heart is even more confused. I fell in love with Davide for many great reasons. I love the man he is. I love his heart. He may not be my soulmate like Heartbreak is, but he’s damn close. Davide pulls me into his chest and we drifted off to sleep again. This is the first time in days I’ve let Davide this close to me and despite the pain in my heart and insecurity of everything… I feel safe and loved.
I silently cried, because I know I hurt Davide and I don’t deserve his unending loyalty. And even though I ended things with Heartbreak, I can’t say that I’m 100% invested in this relationship like I was a month ago.
That was our first Valentine’s Day together. I don’t know where we go from here. All I know is that he is kind and good, and I feel undeserving of his love and loyalty. I know falling in love with someone else was wrong… but it was never something that I had planned. I just feel like I accidentally met my soulmate.