Kauai Life and seeing Dusty
After telling Davide about everything, the next few days on the island pass in the quiet way they usually do. I wake up early and meet up with Cholt and Chase to go surfing whenever the weather allows it (not often). Tots and I cook breakfast and dinner together. I work during the day and explore my favorite island every spare moment I can, remembering the magic around every corner. I also of course eat my weight in shaved ice and Saimin.
We rented a cabana at the Sheraton, to chill for an afternoon. I got to rock my new Myran Swimsuit, which I was pretty pumped about. 😍
Dusty knows my island routine pretty well, and conveniently showed up for the morning surf session with Chase and Cholt.
It’s rough being around Dusty. Hard to see the pain in his eyes when he sees Davide. Or how he hugs me for too long. He has been calling every day, wanting to see if I’d be down for a workout- like old times. Although I do miss working out with him, I say no. It’s easier this way.
Summer feels like it was a lifetime ago. So much has changed. I hate that he got hurt, it was the last thing I really wanted.
Then one day Dusty shows up at the coffee shop I’m working from that afternoon. We’re alone. Which is exactly what I didn’t want to happen.
“Well well well… if it isn’t Mrs Rossi!” He says as he walks up- spitting out Davide’s last name with so much disdain, even though he wears a smile.
I meet his eyes and shake my head.
“I just don’t see it Mon. You have to explain this to me. Why him? What is just so great about him?”
“Dusty, we’re friends- don’t make me deck you.” I said, my face giving him a clear warning.
He throws his hands up in the air, a clear sign of surrender “It was just a question, Mon.” he says chuckling.
I know the details won’t matter. I know he just wants to argue, find a way in. So I shrug and tell him “I just love him” because it’s true and it’s hard to argue with that. I instantly feel guilty for saying it though, because he looks so damn wounded when I say it.
“And you didn’t love me.” he states. I could see the pleading in his eyes. I hear him out as he started in again about how I’ll always be his biggest regret, he shouldn’t have given up. How he thinks of me every day. He thinks of his proposal to me, he still has the ring. How he can still see us together. I had to cut him off. I just don’t feel the same way.
He asked me about my ex Josh, and if I still thought of him, or if I was over it. I told him I never think of him anymore, unless someone else brings him up. Which is how I know that you can get over anyone and how I know he’ll get over me. He rolls his eyes and tells me that’ll never happen, but he has a girlfriend and we both know he’s just full of it right now.
I hate that I hurt Dusty this summer, even though I warned him SO many times that I was not in the headspace for anything serious. He was there for me at my lowest point. I feel like I owe him. He saw me at my worst and he was just such an incredible friend to me. We had so much fun together. I remember the days we spent on Kauai together, being some of my favorite. I’m a better person for knowing him, but I’m just not in love with him. I just don’t see a future there. There is no other way around it.
Thankfully, I’m eventually saved when my old family friend Isidro shows up, and I gather my things and walk with Isidro to his car.
“How ya doing, kid?” Isidro asks me in his kind way. I’ve known him since I was a little girl. He’s one of my favorite people because he has so many colorful stories about my Grandparents. Not to mention he makes the best ceviche known to mankind.
I smile at him. “I’m hanging in there.” I say, trying to sound hopeful and pushing out of mind everything going on with Davide and Heartbreak… now Dusty.
“Don’t worry about Dusty too much. He’ll recover. You’re just one of those girls that men will never forget. Your Grandpa used to brag about how you’d be a special one, and he was right. You are. So go easy on Dusty and give him some time, he’ll come around some day.”
That comment about my Grandpa brings tears to my eyes and I give Isidro a big hug before heading back to Tots.
I had made my decision about Heartbreak the night before, and I do my best to stick with it. But… he’s persistent. He’s so convincing and so damn sure of us and what we could be.
I eventually push the dealbreaker out of my mind as much as possible, telling myself we’ll figure it out when we get there. If we even get there. It’s not gone, it’s not off the table… I just don’t have the willpower to think about it anymore. I honestly probably should’ve stuck to my guns. By not doing that it’s just delaying all the heartache that’ll happen anyways, making it worse. Making it worse for Davide. But I don’t know what it is about Heartbreak that makes me not care and throw all caution to wind. Probably something I should be mindful of.
We keep talking. It’s hard not to think of him constantly. I have never met someone that I just click so well with on so many different levels. It’s great when he’s around. He makes me smile constantly, and his friendship just means everything to me. When he isn’t around… is when the doubt starts to settle in and I wonder if this is just crazy. If I’m risking everything for someone who doesn’t really care? If I’m just this option to him, when I know in reality I am. I have to be right now.
I was out to dinner with a bunch of friends and when I got a text from Heartbreak and I can’t help but smile. Davide catches my eye from across the table, and the sheer pain in his eyes makes me feel like I’m been punched in the stomach. Who the hell am I? What the hell am I doing when I have this amazing man sitting across the table from me?
My heart is torn in two. My body here, with everyone else, drinking and laughing. My mind and heart sometimes feel a million miles away. A piece of my mind and heart are here with Davide too… but not nearly like it should be. He’s clearly upset. I put my phone away and do my best to focus, but inside I feel miserable.
I keep the physical distance between Davide and I. I used to jump him multiple times on a daily basis, now… I feel so confused and we’re sleeping separately. He constantly tests every boundary I try to put up, and I can’t help but love that about him.
The week right before my brother’s wedding, my dad got in a car accident that totaled his truck.
He went to Urgent Care afterwards and they run a bunch of tests. Well they just got back a test…. and it’s not good. There is a fluid buildup in his brain, which will likely require surgery.
I wake up to a call around 3am from my sister that my dad had a seizure and ended up at the hospital. I need to come home NOW.
In that moment, it was like my whole world froze.
Normally, I’m the logical, calm, and level headed one during a crisis. But the memory of losing my biological father less than a year ago…. and now my dad? The pain in my heart was intense and deep. I couldn’t think straight.
Davide immediately took over, grabbing my laptop and booking flights while ordering me to pack my stuff and text Tots. We threw everything into suitcases and a few hours later were on a flight back home.
As we sat at our gate, the reality of it all hit me. I was leaving. My dad could die. What if he died before I got there?
Davide wrapped me up in hugs and planted kisses my forehead. Holding my hand. Making sure I ate. Taking care of me.
How could he be so kind to me… even though I loved someone else more? I’d prefer yelling, kicking, screaming to this. At least then it’d make the choice easier. But he’s just not that kind of guy. He is incredible… I know this.
I spent a good portion of the next few days at the hospital, taking care of my family. Davide was there for every up and down. He did a great job running interference when my mom lashed out at me. And even dealing with my brother. He was just there for everything.
When I came home from the hospital, ready to collapse from exhaustion- he had dinner made for us, and held me while I cried because I was scared that I’ll lose my dad. Exhausted from always being the grown up around them. Finally the hospital released my dad. It’s not over, he needs a surgery- but there is only so much they can do at this time.
I spend as much time with my dad as possible, but he’s anger than usual. It’s particular hard for me to be around him like that… factoring in our rough history. I would get flashbacks of the angry father I had growing up, how he’d scream in my face, hit me, etc. and hearing his voice get like that again… wears on me heavily… even though I’ll never let him see it.
All the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as he starts to raise his voice at my mom, but I stubbornly set my jaw and breathe slowly through my nose. Calming myself. I hand my sister a few bucks and ask her to take my mom for some coffee. This makes my dad angrier. I squeeze my mom’s hand as she leaves, smiling at her. She has no idea how scared I am. She never has. I was always always the one that acted like an adult. I had to growing up, no one else did. What other 12yr old freaking runs the whole grocery budget for the family? I did. By 14 I was in charge of the budget for all of the household bills and making sure they got paid on time, otherwise things would get shut off. I go to my dad’s bedside and tell him I’m still here listening, but mom needed a minute. He yells more about how he doesn’t need this surgery. I don’t even blink. I let him go on for awhile until I finally cut in. “Hey hey hey…. you’re going to need to lower your voice dad. No one is forcing you to do anything. No need to get angry.” I use the tone of voice I usually do with him. Calm, firm, but confident. Never crossing the line towards disrespectful or bossy- because I know it’ll only set him off. He blinks and looks at me- before telling me he’s not yelling. I nod as if I was mistaken… I know better than to call him out, but he’s calm after that. Once everyone gets back… I go for a drive to get us food and cry my eyes out.
How am I keeping my sanity through it all? Not easily. Writing has taken a back burner, but writing this post has helped me process. I managed to go surfing at least once and still get to the gym every day. Even with all of the travel and madness over the past few months, I’ve been able to mostly keep my gym every day goal, even if it’s just for 15 minutes. Which has been a huge huuuuuge accomplishment for me. The main thing keeping me encouraged there have been my booty gains! I just loooove my curves. I reward myself with new swimsuits, lingerie, and workout clothes.
Davide makes a point
It was the first calm night in awhile and my last one here at home, I was standing in the kitchen trying to decide what I should cook for dinner when Davide came up behind me and wrapped me in his arms kissing my shoulder and neck.
“Dress up. I’m taking you out on a date. We need one.” He declared.
So I got ready. I dress up, putting on a hot dress which I paired with thigh high boots. The entire time, I keep checking my phone… I haven’t heard back from Heartbreak.
Just as we’re about to walk out the door, Davide says, “Hey… let’s leave our phones at home tonight. No distractions. Just you and I.” And he sets his phone down on the counter.
I feel myself twitch. I know exactly what he’s up to. He knows I’m still talking to Heartbreak. He knows and it hurts him, but he’s trying to be a good sport. He’s asking me to do this because he needs this time with me. I take a deep breath and leave my phone on the counter, next to his.
‘It’s just for a few hours’ I tell myself trying to reassure myself that it’ll be okay.
Davide takes me to my favorite fancy restaurant, Javier’s. He orders us my favorite pitcher of margaritas and we settle in. It’s cold outside and he moves onto the same side of the booth as me. Draping an arm over my shoulders.
He whispers in my ear and eventually gets me to laugh. My heart hurts, but he showers me with kisses and affection.
I know what he’s trying to do. He’s reminding me of why we’re together. He’s reminding me of what he can do to my heart. He’s trying to make me forget about the hold that Heartbreak has on my heart.
As the margaritas flow, my guard starts to go down. He gets me to talk. I get him laughing again. And before I know it we’re in our booth laughing and having the best time. I tell him stories about my Grandma when I was a kid.
He asks me more about my family dynamics. My parents love him and the fact that he has been so open with them about wanting a family with me. They’ve always been on the their best behavior around him, until now. Nothing like a family crisis to bring that out.
I’ve told him very very little about how things were with my dad growing up and why I’m so scared of him. How I know how to control the situation and keep him calm. But I’m drunk at this point, and after the past few days I’ve had- I care very little about what he’ll think. I tell him how angry my dad used to get. The yelling, hitting, how I got a concussion.
I tell him how I learned the hard way, how to keep him calm and what sets him off. I even show him a few of my scars. He intertwines our hands and caresses my face every chance he can gets… trying to comfort me. And I let him… because this all feels so much and as much as I fear that man…. I love him too and I can’t think of losing both my dads within one year.
Midway through dinner, he pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to me. A few weeks ago, I tried to get him to write down his 6 month goals so we could talk about it over dinner. All he wrote down under his goals- was my name. I know he thought it was being romantic, but I wanted a serious conversation about where we were going and how we were gonna do it together. I was pretty disappointed. Well on this piece of paper were his goals. We end up discussing them at length- where he wants to go and how I can help support him. It was a good conversation and makes me really think about the life we have built together. We’re both headed in the same direction… and he makes me happy… but is that enough?
Then he hands me another piece of paper, and in his scribbled handwriting, it’s the vows that I once wrote for him and I literally feel my heartbreak as I read them over. Vows that a little over a month ago, I meant every damn word. On the same piece of paper are his vows, and I just feel… hopeless. I’ve made him so many promises, we both have. Do I keep them? Even if he’s not my soulmate? I’m so damn confused. But I don’t even have time to think about it- he pulls me in for a passionate kiss and I lose all train of thought.
After dinner, as we walk to the car he literally sweeps me off of my feet and carries me to the car. Both of us giggling. He pushes me up against the car and kisses me hard until I’m breathless. I’m drunk and all of my walls are down. We get lost in a kiss. He has me panting. He lifts my dress and his warm fingers has me gasping. We keep kissing in the dark parking lot and he keeps rubbing me. “Come” he commands in my ear and I do. He licks his fingers clean and then puts me in the car and closes the door behind me.
He takes me home and insists on carrying me inside. We laugh as we try to open the door together, because he refuses to put me down. He throws me over his shoulder and takes me to our bedroom where and throws me down on the bed.
He continue our makeout session. It’s been a solid week since we’ve done this and it feels like forever. But he knows exactly what buttons to press to undo me and he makes sure I know it. He can play me like a fiddle. We end up making love over and over again.
When he’s done, he wraps me in his arms and we fall asleep. As we start to drift off to sleep he whispers in my ear that he can’t wait to get me pregnant, to start our family. His fingers running up and down my lower stomach to my hips, tracing my curves. I’m already lightheaded, but this makes my head spin, family means the world to me. Do I want that life with him? Am I ready to start it now?
I don’t know what time it is… I’m guessing it’s around 3am when I wake up from a dream about Heartbreak and look around the room for my phone… I miss him. Is he okay?
But then I remember my phone is downstairs. I know it’s been hours. He must be worried. Hurt. I know I would be. Fuck. But I can’t get out from Davide’s grasp without waking him.
My Spotify playlist is playing softly on Alexa, which is right next to my bed. Monsters by Timeflies plays and my heart melts- thinking of Heartbreak. He’s my lighthouse chasing all of my monsters away.
I lay there, still a bit drunk from all of the margaritas and I do my best to think through the incredible night I just had with Davide. All the tequila. And I know in my gut that Davide is laying it on thick. He’s making sure I know, that I still belong to him. He’s reminding me of our strong connection. Of our future together. He’s dangling the thing that means the most to me, a family. I play with the ring on my finger- thinking of all of the promises and vows I’ve made to him. Thinking of what it would really mean for my life to give up on all of this. Would I regret it? Would I regret not following my heart and going for my soulmate?
Through it all, Monsters plays in the background and it’s this reminder, when I need it the most just how deeply Heartbreak understands me on this level that no one ever has before. I fall asleep feeling torn.
Davide wakes me up early in the morning and ravages me again and again. I’m lightheaded and gasping for air. Then he grabs the cuffs and handcuffs me to the bed. Then goes at it again and again. I can’t think straight, but I know in my gut that he’s making a point he doesn’t want me to forget. He owns me. Why go elsewhere when I already have all of this…. pure bliss?
We fall asleep again and later he wakes me up again and uncuffs me, takes me to the shower where he cleans me. I miss our daily bathing routine. It was so damn special.
I have a flight this morning and I hadn’t finished packing. Thankfully I know how to pack super super quickly. So I finish up while Davide makes me breakfast. He goes to load up my luggage, when I go in search of my phone.
“You left your phone on the table, I grabbed it for you- so you won’t forget it.” he calls out as he’s walking out the door with my luggage. I feel frustrated, even though I know I shouldn’t.
He drives me to the airport, while he teases me about how he’s my “Puppy Daddy” staying at home and taking care of Cliff while I’m off working. I do have to say, one of my favorite things about him is how much he cares for and looks after my dog. It’s a weird thing I know… but it’s cute to see the bond that the two already have with each other. It’s a reminder of what a good dad he’ll be.
When we get to the airport, he hands me my phone while he goes and unloads my luggage. I scroll through the messages from Heartbreak and feel like a horrible person.
Davide comes up and grabs my waist, pulling me in for a Goodbye. He passionately kisses me long and hard, grabs my ass, and growls in my ear “mine” sending shivers down my spine. I know I belong to him. Last night reminds me of how much I love and adore him. I also respect him for not giving up on us so easily, but still my heart aches and feels confused.
I never meant to fall in love with someone else… but I did. It’s not that I don’t love him, because I genuinely do. I just feel like… I met someone who is my perfect match in every single way. It fits just perfectly and I can’t stop my heart from loving him. I’ve tried so many times, but I often find myself falling deeper and deeper.
Davide is the eye of this crazy storm of my life. He’s become my calm foundation, but Heartbreak… he’s there with every beat of my heart. What the fuck am I going to do?