I’ve had a lot on my mind lately… which has made it hard to write for some reason. But I just need to get it all out…. and I guess this is my attempt at clearing my head.
After writing my last post, I was on my way to a work meet up in Honolulu.
I had a really really hard day for a combination of reasons and it kinda feels never ending at this point. Everything feels so up in the air.
I didn’t like heading out on another trip with everything so up in the air with my dad’s health. While he’s not in the hospital right now… things aren’t going to get better unless he does a surgery and that’s scary. It’s hard because I get several calls a day about it all… and I just feel really on edge about the whole situation. I’m really scared I’m going to lose him.
But if I’m truly being honest with myself… a big reason I had a really rough day was because the guy named Heartbreak and I were having an off-day after my date-night with Davide.
It’s rough whenever Heartbreak and I don’t talk as much. When the silence grows between us, I know the reason why. It’s a valid reason. We both have really full lives and are in really great relationships with incredible people that we need to spend time with, but it’s also super hard.
I know he isn’t mine. I know he is in a relationship. I have no right to love him, but I do. I have no right to feel jealous, but I do. He is not mine, but he feels like he has always been mine. And all I want is for him to be happy. But the way I feel for him… it defies logic. I feel possessive and jealous because this guy is my soulmate, even though he’s not mine.
As the hours of silence pass, I do my best to distract myself, I listen to podcasts, workout, go to the beach, read a book, and write on here. But underneath it all, my heart ached and I felt downright miserable.
Which frustrated the hell out of me. I don’t let guys affect me like this. The last time I was any kind of miserable over a guy, was when I was getting over my ex. But after a decade together, that made sense. This…. doesn’t make sense to me. We haven’t known each other that long. It’s not at all puppy love, I’ve been in that before… this is an entirely different beast. And he has become my best friend.
When I did hear from him… I felt so damn distant. Not because I was upset at him… but because I was frustrated with myself, for wanting him so badly.
I made a point to hangout with a few of my coworkers. I was just in a shitty mood, dealing with phone calls from back home. But we drink and have a pretty fun evening. Even so, I ended up heading to my room early when usually I’d hangout for longer.
Heartbreak (I really need to come up with an alternate name for him), ended up calling… and it was like the second I heard his voice… everything became right in the world. Something about him does that to me every time I’m ready to give up… he finds a way to make me believe in us again.
Usually when we talk, we just laugh and joke around. But I think the past day of not talking, really affected us both and we ended up having a pretty deep conversation about us and figuring out what we wanted to do. If there is even a future there.
We told each other how we were really feeling… and how rare this was for us. Every little doubt that had crept up in my mind over the past day, just instantly disappeared when he told me how he felt because we were on the same exact page. That we both know we’re soulmates. We’re both crazy about each other and in love. Whatever the hell this is between us… it’s real.
Sometimes… I wish it wasn’t so real, because that would make things with Davide so clear. I could walk away from Heartbreak, I could move forward with my already planned out life. It would be so easy. But that’s just not the case, we are real. So VERY real and that complicates everything in both of our lives.
We talked for a solid hour – I was grinning the entire time. He just turns my whole world upside down and I love him for it. He had to go and then I finally fell asleep.
Around 2am my phone rang and I rolled over and answered it without looking. Sometimes Heartbreak will call when he’s driving home from work, and in my half-asleep state, I thought it was him.
It took me a minute to realize that it was Davide. Of course I was happy to hear from him, but I did feel my heart sink in disappointment at first.
Davide was having a hard time sleeping, so we talked… he told me how scared he is about losing me and the life we have planned. How he feels me pulling away. He asked me if our romantic night before meant anything to me. Of course it does. He means SO much to me. I love him. I’ve loved the life that we’re building together. I know I do… but I can’t lie to him after the conversation I just had with Heartbreak. I do have serious doubts in my relationship with Davide… I don’t think he’s my soulmate. I think he’s incredible and I love him. I just don’t know if I’m going to make him truly happy in the long run.
He talked about our life together and how he will do anything to make me happy and take care of me. He described in detail our kids, the house in Poipu, trips to Italy to show the family Positano… everything.
He thinks I’m just getting distracted by someone shiny and new. That it’ll just wear off. He asked me about Heartbreak, and what it is about him that I fell in love with. What is it that Heartbreak has that Davide doesn’t?
God, what a painful question to hear. That question, hit me like a ton of bricks. There isn’t a specific quality that I think Davide is missing… he genuinely is INCREDIBLE. It’s just that I’m different with Heartbreak, because he feels made for me…. which is what is so confusing and also not something I know how to explain to Davide at this point.
He asked me not to push him away right now. Not to make a decision just yet. That it feels like I’m investing more in whatever is going on with Heartbreak then I am with him. Which… he did have a valid point on. Davide said he’s still in this with me. He’s never going to give up. He’s not going to let me push him away. Hell if I start to push him away he’ll even fly out to my work trip- even if it’s just so we can spend the nights together and figure us out. And then he got extra clear with what he expects from me in return.
I don’t know how I feel about it all. It’s easier for me to draw away from one as a I get closer to the other. But Davide is making that impossible, and that confuses the hell out of my heart.
He made me cum over the phone and then I fell asleep. I woke up to his soft breathing on the other end of the line… we’ve never fallen asleep on the phone together before and it was actually really really sweet. Since then I get long texts and emails with him confessing his love to me, saying the sweetest things. He sent me flowers to my hotel. All that means so much to me. But what really weighs on my heart is that he’s back home… taking care of my dog and hanging out with my sister, despite how I feel. I have no doubt in my mind that he’s incredible. I feel horrible that he’s not my soulmate. It would be so perfectly uncomplicated if he was.
Last night when Davide called for our now nightly phone call, he thanked me for being as honest as possible with him about all my feelings and he wanted me to continue to be… all he asked is that I don’t cheat on him. If I need to stay in contact with Heartbreak, okay. But not to do anything about it, without first breaking it off with Davide and I agreed to honor that. In fact I’m pissed at myself for ever considering doing anything else. I looked in the hotel mirror at myself and couldn’t help but wonder who the hell am I, right now. All of this… isn’t me. I would never even consider disrespecting a relationship like this in the past. But this guy makes me lose my mind. He feels worth it. It’s still such a huge risk.
So where is my head with all of this? I’m in love with two guys. One I’ve already made my whole life. The other, I just met and feels like he’s my destiny.
I’m proud of myself for coming clean to Davide about it all. But it’s also hard. Hard to be that honest with him when I know it’ll hurt him and nothing is for sure. I just can’t lie to him about it, that isn’t who I want to be. I had promised him honesty and open communication no matter what, and it’s hard but I’m doing it. It’s difficult to see him try so hard, when the same things come so effortlessly with Heartbreak. I know we have an amazing life together and will continue to.
It’s hard because… I love Davide. I do. I love who I am around him. But the main question I’ve always had with him is: Is he the love of my life? That question never used to be a big deal for me, because I thought the great loves of my life were in the past and I was okay with him being just an amazing love in my life and starting a family with him, because he is so good for me. Where Davide and I really excel, is that we are an AMAZING team. We have so much fun together and genuinely love each other. It’s never been a question of how we’d make it, since from the start he has been nothing but committed and he has bent over backwards- gave up his whole life back in Italy to be with me. From the start he has made sure that our future together is solid, I never had to wonder. And then now… I told him about falling in love with someone else and yet he’s still by my side dealing with this crazy family stuff with me. He’s still being the partner he always promised me he’d be. It’s me… that’d be giving up on him and choosing to walk away from such an amazing human.
Heartbreak on the other hand, has quickly become the love of my life and my soulmate. I can see him as my husband and father of my kids. I respect him SO much. I want him in my life… always. How crazy is that? I didn’t think it was possible, but allll of those feelings just clicked with him so effortlessly. It didn’t take months or even years… it just instantly happened. The catch? I don’t know how we’ll make it- we both have lives with other people. I don’t want to cheat and because I did the the right thing and told Davide- I put myself in a tricky situation. So do I go out on a limb and break it off with Davide so I don’t cheat? But there is no guarantee Heartbreak will choose me. Even if he does, I’d have to wait while he figures out his relationship. Some days that’s really hard on me. We’ve been talking more about our future, so I feel better about how if we make it out of this- what our future would look like and that we have similar goals and could make it all work.
I do believe he’s serious about me, that I’m special to him, and he loves me. I don’t think this is just about sex or physical attraction- it’s about SO MUCH MORE. My biggest question mark with him… is if he’s going to choose me. It’s the short term of ‘what if I do all of this and he doesn’t choose me’… that’s the thing that keeps me up at night. Or even just the reality of the fact that this guy has my heart and he falls asleep next to someone else, because he’s not in a relationship with me… that in itself is painful. That part of this… it’s getting old quick. Or that I’m going to jump in and afterwards he’s going to have to go home to his relationship and his fiancé- and I need to find a way to be okay with that. Do I have the strength to even be able to do that? What if I’m madly in love with this guy that I’ll never have and I ruin an amazing relationship trying to get him? When I think about all of the details of what we’ll have to do in the short term… I get scared and I second guess myself… if it’s even possible for us to make it out of this. I hope we will…. but I honestly don’t know.
I love Davide, and I am happy with our future together…. the only reason I can see myself leaving him, is for my soulmate and of course that’s who waltzed into my life at like the worst time. But it doesn’t matter if it’s the worst time, I’m glad he’s here because he’s worth it.
I hate how up in the air this all is.
But really…. what I hate the most is that yes the guy stuff is confusing… but I’m already really really scared I’m going to lose my dad right now and that makes all of my feelings about my relationship and who I want to spend the rest of my life with, feel so shallow.