My Life

Feeling like a disappointment

I feel like my whole life I’ve held myself to this higher standard. I pretty much always expected myself to have it together and to be perfect.

I think from an outside perspective, I can seem like I have allll of my shit together. But in reality… I don’t.

I know I’m doing mostly well… but on days like today I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water.

Part of it, is that I’m just constant pushing myself to be better. Run faster, eat cleaner, drink less, handle work shit better and more efficiently. Be the best friend I can possibly be.

And I haven’t stopped to just Be. To just be thankful for what I do have instead of pushing for more.

I think I just have a lot weighing on my mind today…. because I just felt so mentally done.

I realize I put all of the expectations on myself, for what? Are they making me happier?

I am going to screw up. I’m going to make the wrong call. I’m going to do stupid shit that no one else understands. And that’s okay. As long as I’m okay with it… it’ll all be okay.

The best thing about today was getting to surf. Just being in the ocean and feeling completely at peace. I left all of my problems on the shore…. but when I was in the water I just let it all go.

I feel like I need to get my head on straight. All of this family stuff going on… god it’s affecting me SO much. I don’t really show anyone, I’m trying to keep it all together. But I just feel in my gut that it’s going to take a turn for the worse… and I’m completely on edge.

I’ve done my very best… but I feel like I was never a good enough daughter. Like I always always disappointed my parents and my dad.

And it’s just a lot for me right now. Because I feel like he’s slipping away and things are getting worse back home… and I just feel like such a fuck up. I feel guilty for not being there. I feel guilty for not being who he wanted me to be.

Davide called at like the perfect moment and I literally just burst into tears. Which is not at all like me.

I’m just under so much pressure right now. It helped to talk about it all. I know I need to get it out. I just don’t know what I’m going to do.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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