Things with my dad took a turn for the worse, he had another seizure and I flew home from Honolulu.
I’m mostly keeping it together… but it’s only by the skin of my teeth.
Seeing my dad like this… it’s not easy. Having to be the adult and make all of these calls, to take care of everyone… I’m just exhausted right now.
Not to mention there is a lot of extended family in town right now… and that’s like this whole other post I can’t even think about right now.
Davide in this time of crisis
I don’t know how I could do this without Davide. He has become this huge pillar of strength for me. I feel like something in our relationship has shifted (in a good way) since I’ve gotten back, I just couldn’t figure out what it was.
He picked me up from the airport with my sister and drove us straight back to the hospital. Visiting hours were over, but they snuck me in anyways to see my dad for a few minutes.
Davide noticed when I was feeling overwhelmed. It surprised me, because I was smiling out the outside, but it’s like he just knew and he came and stood by my side, slipped his hand in mine and squeezed. So I knew he was there. It was just what I needed in that moment and brought tears to my eyes.
He took me home and drew me a hot bubble bath, poured me some wine, and then ordered us pizza. I cried about the long day while he went and set up the guest bedroom for my sister and cousin to spend the night in. Then he came back in and sat on the bathroom floor and we talked for a long time. I cried to him, then he bathed me, and wrapped me up in warm towel hug before he told me it was all going to be okay. And when he said it… it felt like maybe it would be.
By the time we were done, the pizza arrived and I sat on the couch sandwiched between my sister and my cousin… just cuddling with them and eating pizza. Not even really talking. It just felt good to be home with everything that’s going on. It felt healing.
I had a lot on my mind, so I took Cliff for a walk down the beach by myself. It was cold… but I just needed to clear my head. To look up at the stars and pray for strength. Pray that my dad is going to be okay. After that I went straight to bed. Davide wrapped me up in a warm hug and kissed my forehead and we talked as I drifted off to sleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night and as usual, all I could think about was Heartbreak. We ended up talking and it was perfect. We both said a lot. Big big things that felt too surreal. I just hope… I hope he really means it.
Davide called Tots
This morning Tots called and told me how Davide had called her yesterday and wanted to know what he should do, how he should support me with all of my dad stuff. What to look out for. Which explains the shift I felt with our relationship and why he could read me so well all of a sudden, Tots told him all my tells.
She said that since he knew that she knew about Heartbreak, he also talked to her about it all. He asked her what did I really need and how to win me over so I chose him. She said she was careful not to tell him too much, but that she thinks he really truly does love me and would do anything for me. She respected that about him.
Tots then had a tough convo with me, encouraging me to think long and hard before ending anything with Davide, especially considering the circumstances with Heartbreak, since I’m just an option to him and Davide has already made me his whole world.
It was probably just the worst time in the world to hear all of that, and it broke my heart after this conversation Heartbreak and I had that morning. I went outside and just cried my eyes out. Fuck, how do we always end up here? Why does this goddamn silence between Heartbreak and I, just kill me? When it comes to him… it’s just so easy for me to fall apart? This is not at all like me and I just feel like I’m about to get really fucked over.
I don’t want to think about any of it, I can’t handle it right now. I have a lot on my mind with my dad. Much more than I can write about. I’m so scared… but I’m trying to be brave. Trying to be strong. Trying to hold it all together. But I’m just so tired and my heart already feels completely broken right now. I’m just so hurt and it’s so stupid. Maybe I’m not strong enough for this. I just feel like I can’t take one more thing… and it seems to only be piling on even more. I just feel myself mentally checking out of it all, holing up and trying to lick my wounds.