It’s been a hell of a few days.
Everyday I wake up and I tell myself that it’s going to be a good day. I put on music, I hit the gym, I go to the beach, I work. I do my best to face each day. But right now… I don’t know if I have it in me for tomorrow. I’m a straight up wreck.
My dad got released from the hospital. We were waiting on a second opinion on the surgery he needs and I was working on getting the approval from the insurance company… they really make you jump through hoops for brain surgery…. so yeah.
I cry every single day at the thought of my dad dying. My heart is SO heavy. It’s a really scary time for me. I know I’m not the daughter he wanted… I just don’t want to lose him. Surgery is next week.
There is some serious family drama going on with the cousin that sexually molested me when I was a kid. I can’t even really bring myself to write about it all just yet.
I’m just having a really hard time right now. I’m doing my best to put on my brave face, but I feel so damn weak. I’ve had such a hard life and an even worse year. It’s been worth it, but I can’t help but wonder when the hits will stop coming and if I’ll ever catch a break. I tell myself that I can’t control what is happening and the hits I keep getting but I can control how I choose to react and I want to continue to be one of the happiest people ever. I’ll make it through this.
He’s being the perfect partner
Through it all… Davide has been really there for me and my family. Hell, even my brother likes him.
When I’m too exhausted to deal with it, he taps in and takes over. When my sister is starting to get bitchy with me he wraps me up in a hug and massages my neck. He brings me flowers and buys me Yogurtland as a suprise. He’s really there for me right now and I couldn’t be more grateful for that and for his friendship. I know I lucked out when I met him.
Davide and I are mostly back to our usual daily routine of making dinner together, sleeping in the same bed, and our daily showers/baths. Partly because my sister has taken over the guest room and partly because it feels so good to not be so alone in all of this. He feels like a home right now, someone who is just there every step of the way that I can depend on and we do have a really great partnership. That’s rare for me in my life. But still… when I’m intimate with him, my thoughts go elsewhere and I feel guilty for that. He still hasn’t brought up the fact that I ended it with him right before everything exploded. It’s almost like he’s pretending it didn’t happen now. Our relationship feels mostly like how it used to. That’s confusing.
Things with Heartbreak are complicated and painful. The other day, my heart just completely shattered. Now that I think about it… a lot of it had to do with what Tots originally said about him sleeping with someone else. She said people unintentionally show who they are in the little things, if you pay close enough attention. And to me, Sex and Trust are two of the biggest things in a relationship. Maybe this is a little thing, but it’s a big thing to my heart. I know he’s not mine, but hearing those details… it broke me.
It’s a weird trigger, but it happens to me a lot where exes will reach out and say meaningless shit while they’re in a relationship… that they love me, they still see themselves spending their lives with me, can’t get me out of their head, I was the BEST they’ve ever had… and that whenever they’re intimate with whoever they’e with… they think of me. And it pisses me off, because who the hell wants to be the one that’s not chosen, but still thought of… like it’s some sort of consolation prize? Not me. If you care about me, you’ll choose to be with me. You won’t say the words and then fuck someone else yet say you think of me then. I know he’s not like that. I know he is different… but it still triggers all of those feelings.
It also made me realize, ‘Hey you’ve got Davide who is incredibly hot who WANTS to sleep with you and who has chosen you- yet you keep pushing him away. Why?’ So I stopped pushing him away. Heartbreak wasn’t depriving himself, why should I?
It’s been a messy few days. Mostly because whenever I hear Heartbreaks voice, something inside me just melts at his intensity and I forget everything I had said and all of the resolve in my heart. I just want to be his.
Heartbreak and I eventually decided to be friends.
I feel conflicted.
On one hand I can see a whole incredible life with him. He makes my heart skip a beat. He makes me so fucking happy. He’s become my best friend and I know that he is my soulmate.
But on the other hand, I’ve been miserable lately because I feel so damn broken-hearted over someone who isn’t mine. I know I can’t keep hurting Davide over this. I have to make a decision and stick to it.
I just can’t keep getting hurt. I can’t have Heartbreak saying the things he does, while he’s fucking her. Because I can’t help but think that one of the two is a lie, it has to be… right? Or is it just me that works in absolutes like that? It’s either one or the other? It’s black or it’s white? And I can’t stand the thought of what he’s saying to me is the lie, because I genuinely believe him and don’t believe it is.
Point is, he is engaged to her. Of course he’s doing to do normal couple things. I need to be the one to change. He’s not mine. I have no right to jealously. No right to love him.
So what do I do? The only thing that seems right. As much as I love him…I need to give up. I have to end it and walk away like it isn’t breaking me inside. Like I’m not going to doubt that this was the right decision for the rest of my life.
Then I settle for the great life I have. The amazing guy I already have, who knows all of this… and is somehow still here. The problem I’m having is that my heart keeps singing Heartbreak’s name, because he is completely etched across it. I know for a fact that he is my soulmate. Will that feeling ever go away? I have no idea.
So we’re friends. I’d rather have a small tiny piece of him in my life, than not at all… because he really does matter to me.
All I know is that… soulmate or not, the timing isn’t right. I need to let him go. Because if we stay this way…. if he keeps saying these things while he’s fucking her, I will never be able to trust him in the future. And I know that asking him not to fuck his fiancé is just crazy talk and us breaking off our relationships just isn’t going to happen right now either. Again… what do I do? The only answer I can come up with, is act like I’m not in love with him anymore because I know that’ll be the best move for him in the long run and for everyone else involved. That isn’t what my heart wants though but sometimes you love someone so much that you put what’s best for them ahead of what you want.