So I’ve decided that I really suck at this whole liking someone else, while I’m in a relationship and they’re in a relationship. It sucks.
Up to this point I’ve referred to this other guy on my blog as ‘Heartbreak’ because he has been a complete Heartbreak for me up to this point… but it’s confusing to write that way. So I’m going to give him a fake name for now… Nate.
To be clear, none of this was my intention. I was so flipping happy with Davide. What started out as just this innocent friendship, suddenly made me realize that Nate is my soulmate. I have lots of guy friends and this has never happened to me before. I have never fallen for someone who is in a relationship. We haven’t cheated. I’ve even came completely clean to Davide about it all… as hard as that is.
In fact last week, I made a call to break things off and be ‘just friends’ because I genuinely believed this would be the best thing for Nate. Also it’d be fair to Davide and allow me to focus on our relationship. I don’t ever want to cheat… I’ve been cheated on SO MUCH, and that’s just not who I want to be.
When Nate and I reeled things back to being ‘just friends’ it was SO damn painful. I was completely miserable. Couldn’t sleep at night. No desire to eat. I just felt… heartbroken. But I did it because I genuinely believed it would be the best thing for both Nate and Davide.
Then over the weekend… I went out dancing with my friends. Nate and I were still in contact, but it was hard not saying all the things I wanted to say. We have never held back with each other, it’s just so easy for us to be completely open with each other… so having to do that suddenly? It was painful. I have the hardest time keeping my walls up with this guy.
I drank too much and before I know it… Nate and I are confessing how miserable we both were with this whole being friends thing. So… that ‘just friends’ thing lasted for like a day or two.
Basically, I just need a major venting session here, so I can figure this all out. It’s too messy.
At this point I’ve accepted the fact that I love him. I’ve accepted that no matter what the hell I do here… this is going to be messy and painful. I’ve tried to take the easy way out, to act like I feel nothing for Nate… but I just can’t… I feel that deeply for him.
My life with Davide is not perfect soulmate stuff… but it’s damn close and it’s an amazing life that’s straight forward. We have a plan.. and I like having a plan! Hell, we were gonna start trying for kids! It would be SO much easier for everyone involved… if that was enough.
But after what Nate does to my heart… I don’t think I can stop what is happening between us… I’ve tried to and I just couldn’t. I did not want to sign up for this. Did not think that I would ever have to go through something like this… but here I am. I just don’t know if we’ll make it through it.
Also… falling for someone else’s fiancé is just this special kind of torture. I’m not a jealous person because you’re either working towards a future with me… or you’re not and Byeeee! 👋
This is different. This is… a total mind fuck somedays especially when you factor in social media. It’s not normal to see someone who you means so damn much to you, with someone else.
That’s the thing…they’re with someone else. They have a future with someone else. Yet the things you say to each other in private…. contradict all that. When it’s just you two, it’s about your future… but that’s not the reality of your situation or reality of what you see on social media. So what do you trust? Do you trust them?
Normally my gut reaction in any other situation would be to peace out and say BYEEE. Then move on with my amazing life. Problem is, I’ve already done that multiple times here… and I can’t seem to make it stick. This is such an unusual situation and I’m struggling with my flight instincts, because whenever I feel weird about it… I want to walk away. I don’t like feeling like I’m waiting around- almost like I’m just an option to him, that illicits this knee jerk reaction from me that makes me want to say ‘Helllll Nahhh’ and peace out. I have been treated my whole life by my parents like I’m not good enough and I will not accept that treatment from a guy. I just won’t. I don’t get treated like that, ever. If I do… I’m gone soooo fast. Why is this so different??
Not to mention… I have trust issues with men. I do. Every damn relationship (except for Davide) I’ve been in, I’ve been cheated on. I generally don’t have a ton of trust in men. I learned early on, trust what they do and not what they say. I don’t give them a ton of leeway. I know I have options and I’m not scared to walk away.
Nate has been the exception to that. From the start I have had nothing but pure respect, admiration, and trust in him. Until… I dunno, these doubts suddenly started settling in.
I don’t know… if the fact that I’m an empath has me reading into a bunch of different things, but our situation is fucking with my head. The vibe feels off to me at the moment. I feel like I’m out on a limb, all by myself. My intuition has red flags. But mostly… it hurts, and since I feel that deeply… I’m not thrilled.
For the first time… I started questioning whether I should trust him. How do I really know…. that this isn’t just some game to him? How do I really know he genuinely sees me as his future? Like outside of his words, is what he’s doing adding up with his words? How do I know these aren’t just words, because sometimes it feels like he’s still planning his future with someone else. I just can’t tell because it’s such a fucked up situation!! 🙈 All I know is what he tells me, which I’ve taken at face value… is this going to be enough?
Can I trust him? Do I really have a future with Nate? Is he worth risking this all for? How do I know he’s not just saying these things and then building his future with his fiancé? Because we all know if that’s the case… I couldn’t even be mad. He made promises to her, and I genuinely want him to be happy. I would never do anything to jeopardize his happiness… even if it meant being with someone else.
I’m confident in who I am and what I bring to the table. I know I’m amazing. I know that I have options. I’m not in this situation because I’m looking for attention or something was lacking in my relationship. I’ve got Davide who is just incredible to me… he’s the guy that love stories are written about. Nate happened because I accidentally met my soulmate and I’m addicted to who he is on the inside. Not because I was looking to get attention or laid. Trust me, I would never knowingly get myself into this. So if in the end he’s just fucking with my head… I know I can bounce back from this and I will be okay, maybe just a bit bruised.
I’m a planner and so much is happening around me. Davide wants to book plane tickets and go to Nashville together and wants to plan a move to Kauai. My sister wants to spend April & May in Hawaii. But for me all of those decisions ride on one question: Am I going to end up with Nate or not? If we do this, a lot in my life is going to need to change. I don’t like feeling like I’m the only one thinking about that, it makes me feel like I’m getting ahead of myself because I don’t even know if we’re going to be able to make it through this. It’s probably just wayyyy easier if I plan for us not to. Plan for it all fizzling out and us being just friends… so I don’t get my hopes up. I guess it comes down to me feeling weird planning the future with Davide, which is silly and I guess I should stop dragging my feet and plan it with him anyways.
All I know is that sometimes I hate not hearing from Nate. Which is not like me at all. I have a very full life that I’m happy with… I can usually care less whether you decide to text/call me or not. I hate not being able to tell if what he says to me is the truth. Also, I’m slightly humiliated that I get hurt and feel the way I do. This isn’t me. I’m usually better than this. What the hell is going on with me?
I’m so used to guys pursuing me relentlessly and making it clear and known. I’m used to grand gestures and being the priority, so I have no room for doubt. This situation has me so far outside of my element. I hate the doubt that creeps up, because we have other priorities. I’m just not a fan of this entire situation.
I’m just not built for a situation like this. It plays into every weakness I have. I hate questioning this and thinking about it constantly. I just have so much better things to worry about… bigger things are on my plate… but I keep mentally coming back here.
Then I think about it from his end… it sucks for him too. I’m with Davide. I’m no longer sleeping in a different bed as Davide and he’s laying the romance on thick. He knows about Nate and is doing everything he can to get me to second guess that connection and to choose our relationship and the future that we have planned. Even in the middle of this havoc, Davide is still talking about our future family, wants me to get off birth control, and is joking with my parents that we’ll be the first ones to give them grandkids. Even though he knows I have major doubts and I’m going through this. That’s just so much pressure, is so confusing, and it tears my heart into pieces.
Not to mention, I’m having a super hard time with my dad’s health stuff and while I’m working through all of that, Davide is just there for it all… he’s got my back. He’s just being such an incredible partner. I’m sharing things with Davide right now that I wish I could talk about with Nate. But Nate and I simply just don’t even have the time for each other. When I think about it all… I’m sure none of that can be easy for Nate to deal with… but I honestly don’t know. We don’t talk about it.
Davide obviously has a biased opinion and it’s a sensitive subject for us. Last night, he brought it up and said that he totally gets why Nate’s in love with me. He just doesn’t think he’s good for me. He (Davide) said that if he had been engaged when we had met, he would’ve broken it off. That’s how big of a deal I am to him, and he would’ve protected my heart over all else. He doesn’t think Nate is interested in protecting my heart. All he sees is me struggling with all of this. I know it’s a totally different situation, but Davide really knows exactly what to say to make me doubt this.
That’s the other thing… I adore Davide. I do. It’s been a whirlwind romance, but I don’t doubt what he means to me… he just means something different than what Nate means. And part of the reason I’m in pain is because he carries this piece of paper in his wallet that has the vows I made to him. And I’m at a point where I’m seriously considering breaking every one of those vows. I realize how fucked up that is. I never wanted to do that to him. Ever. He doesn’t deserve that. But can I honestly spend the rest of my life with him and build a family knowing my soulmate is out there?
This. is. the. worst…. I just don’t see any way out of it at this point. I’m stuck. I can’t change what I feel for Nate. I’ve tried to let him go. Maybe I just haven’t gotten hurt enough yet to give up completely? That would be a typical Monica thing… always having to learn a lesson the hard way. Or maybe it will all work out? I have no idea.
All I know is that I have no doubt in my mind that he is my soulmate. That I love him. It’s like he walked into my life and just changed everything.