My Life

Life Update & Europe

Things with my dad have gotten more stable. We’re not out of the woods yet, but we’re finally starting to see small improvements.

It’s been over a week of this madness… of hardly sleeping at night and dealing with SO much family stuff. I feel emotionally tapped out and exhausted.

Some of my closest cousins flew out, but I’m most excited because Tots and her family fly in tomorrow. I CANNOT wait to hug her. I’m also slightly worried I’m going to break down crying when I see her. She is just… she’s my rock during times like this.

I decided to go back to work yesterday. It’s hard because I have a whole team relying on me, and projects that just can’t be delayed. That’s tough, but mostly I just enjoy the mental break from my family. My job seems so easy and clear compared to what’s been going on around me.

I can’t wait until I’m on the other end of this… until I can get out of town again. I have to make it out to Kauai again to wrap up the construction project.

Europe

I have a work trip in June to London. I need to book flights soonish.

On days that seem never ending, I’ve been mentally planning what to do after my work trip and which countries I want to see. I’ve been DYING to make my way back to San Sebastian. Thinking of being there again… it makes the days seem not so bad.

I know I shouldn’t keep things from Davide, but I’ve been keeping the London trip from him. Mostly because I want to figure out where “I” want to be by then, me… outside of our relationship. I’ve had so many questions about our relationship lately…. since June is just around the corner, I don’t want to be tied to this whole trip together… until I get my head on straight and make a decision.

Problem was, my work Husband/BFF called while Davide and I were driving somewhere, to ask me about which flight he should book.

Davide heard everything- got super excited and immediately started planning a trip and how much time I should take off before/after the trip. Where he thinks we should go. How we should spend at least a few weeks in Positano, and he wants to go back to Lake Como again. Alll of that. I told him I need to figure us out before we start planning trips. That didn’t go over great. He looked so damn wounded and I felt like such a jackass.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me… Davide is incredible. He has been like the best guy I’ve been with ever. Relationship-wise he’s so supportive, caring, and romantic. Bedroom life with him is just… incredible. And generally he kinda just lets me do my thing. I know I’m in an amazing situation.

There is this quote that says “A female never forgets How a man treated her during the times she needed his support the most.” And I will never forget how Davide is treating me now… when I feel like I’m at a low point. He comforts me. Checks in on me. Asks me if I need anything. Wants to hear all my silly little rants and vents. He has been the perfect support system.

I appreciate how he’s also just really steady. I’m the center of his whole world, and he makes sure I know it. If we’re not together, he’s checking in on me and he’s been this emotional rock, someone who just completely treasures me on a daily basis and takes care of me in little ways. Which I’ve didn’t have a lot of in my life… usually I take care of everyone else. He buys me lots of flowers and little gifts, but honestly… the biggest thing he does is the text messages. He sends me paragraphs of how he feels, daily. Written words are the fastest way to my heart. I probably am asking for too much, wishing he’d challenge me more. Wishing for soulmate type of stuff.

At the heart of it… my issue is I still think of Nate/Heartbreak and I’m trying to factor him in, despite the fact that we both have our separate lives and we’re busy. Me dealing with all of this family stuff… him living his life. Everything about our future… is unclear because of that. We’re into each other, but I’ve been starting to wonder if we’re just going to end up being just friends because life got in the way. The intense attraction is still there… but for the most part how we talk to each has cooled down significantly. When we’re consistently talking, it’s great… it’s just the times in between that suck.

There is nothing I can do about it though, so I’m focused on my life- on taking care of myself. If this is meant to happen, he’ll make it happen. I feel like I’ve been pushing for this, and I’m kinda over doing that. I hope one day he proves he isn’t all talk. Meanwhile, I figure I’m just happy to have him as a friend. I still don’t know what to do about London. Maybe I’m overthinking it and should plan it with Davide… since Nate isn’t getting overly concerned about the future or trying to factor me in- why am I? Seems stupid. So I guess whatever happens… happens.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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