“Your life is an exact reflection of the choices you make in your life.”
That’s the main thing I’ve been thinking about the past few days here.
Butterflies & Change
Right now there is this really magical thing happening here in Southern California. Millions of those beautiful little butterflies are migrating North. I’ve never seen anything like it, from my whole life living here. It’s beautiful and breathtaking.
I decided that it was a sign. The past few weeks have been some of the hardest I’ve faced in a really long time. Everything is hitting all at once, I’m doing my best to be strong and face each situation with courage and kindness.
Problem is, I feel emotionally wrecked. Like I want to curl up in a ball and just cry for hours. I don’t have time to break down… but I’m worried this is the start of a season of depression? My anxiety already keeps me up at night. If it is… I need to get ahead of this early. Need to refocus my priorities and get myself out of the situations that are sources of pain.
The butterflies reminded me that… sometimes in life periods of growth are incredibly dark. They’re painful. They can feel like you’re dying. It’s what comes after it… after you’ve blossomed under the weight of that trial… that is what matters. So it’s hard right now, but there are better days ahead.
I am a living & breathing example that we are stronger than we think and powerful beyond measure. Everything I’m going through, I will grow through. It’s okay that I’m struggling… because I’m trying. That’s all that really matters.
I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep looking for reasons to believe in Love… in the universe… in God… and center myself. I will continue to look for the magical moments in every day, the swarms of butterflies and the beautiful sunsets. They are reminders that life and the world around me is SO much bigger than my tiny little world and the problems I’m facing.
I’ve been in a lot of pain lately… and I’m looking at what I did and could’ve done to prevent it. Has me questioning a lot. The direction of my life. My choices. Who I’m letting in. What behavior I accept. Why I accept it.
I feel like… I really set myself up for failure. I let my emotions get played with. I got my hopes up. I believed in words over actions… and I knew better. I’m really disappointed. In what happened. In myself. That isn’t the type of person I want to be and I feel like a fool.
When I sense that someone who means a lot to me feels like I’m not good enough or gave up on me… I take it hard, it’s something that has happened to me a lot. I start to lose faith in myself. It’s this stupid weakness I have. The only way out of it- is for me to remember how wrong they are and PROVE it.
The only one who can change all of this is me and I can do that by being better. Requiring better… and walking away from the people who don’t view me as worth the risk. Because I fucking am worth it. One day when I blossom into a butterfly, they’ll regret ever letting me go.
He’s holding my body, but you’re under my skin
I’ve been struggling with whether I should even write about this on here… I don’t want to hurt his feelings. So I hope he doesn’t ever see this… but I need to process my feelings. I need to find answers and the only way I know how to do that is by writing.
Over the last few days a lot of things came to a head.
We heard from the lawyer that we were assigned a case number for Davide’s Visa. Which means that if everything goes right, we’ll have it all figured out in the next few months. We’ve been working towards this for 4-5 months now… and as excited I am that there is finally progress… it comes at a really bad time.
Problem is… I had fallen in love with someone else… Nate/Heartbreak. He’s still in a relationship. So am I. But because of all of the legal stuff… I need to figure out what direction I’m going in. I need to make up my mind fast and stick with it.
Which probably couldn’t have come at a worse time for Nate and I. Things have been off, at best. We have other priorities. I still feel a strong connection towards him. Still believed he was my soulmate. I just can’t do this limbo we’ve been in any longer. The rest of my life is on the line and I needed an answer… it’s now or never.
The conversation didn’t go well. Full of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. I still don’t know what the hell happened and we haven’t really spoken much since. Hell, we haven’t really spoken in like a few weeks. Nothing is cleared up. Which for me is an answer. If he knows what’s on the line and it’s not a priority to figure it out…. that’s a dealbreaker. If it’s that he just can’t do it now… that’s an answer as well. Either way, I expect more out of whoever I’m with and it’s clearly over… leaving me with a broken heart and feeling rejected. I was ready to jump in. He isn’t.
I’m disappointed and hurt but somehow not all that surprised. The way things have been going lately…. maybe I just misjudged what all of this was? If he can’t see that I’m someone worth more than the effort, then we were never on the same page. I’m frustrated with myself for waiting around and then getting hurt. Frustrated with him for being so damn oblivious… or indifferent? Unaffected? I can’t even tell. All I know is he seems to be perfectly okay with this direction and I’m struggling. I’m tired of being the only one to say how much I care and how painful this is and he basically responds with ‘Thank you for that’. It’s fucked up and enough of a pattern now… for me to be fed up.
The night Tots flew in we ended up drinking a whole bottle of wine at 3am and I cried my eyes out about it all.
She told me that she thought I was settling for scraps and putting everything on the line for someone who was always a question mark. If I was going to put it all on the line for him, I should know for sure by now. I am incredible and I need to stop acting like I deserve anything less. She was right.
Then Tots hit me with the real kicker. “He’s got a lot going on in his life, but so do YOU. When is the last time he checked up on how you are doing and on your dad?”
I frowned. It’s been awhile… I confessed. “How long is awhile?” She pressed. I dunno maybe 4 or 5 days, I told her.
She nodded silently for a bit and finally said, “Look I don’t know this guy. Maybe those are all valid excuses, but would you accept that treatment from any of your best friends? No? Then why him? If he’s your soulmate, that should be a main concern to him. Based off of that alone, I think he’s a lot more self absorbed than you think.” She dropped it after that, but her words kept ringing in my ears. I find him confusing and everything he says conflicts, but his actions… it’s enough of a pattern now for me to think that none of this meant anything to him. We were on different pages clearly.
So I chose me. I decided to focus on making better choices. At the end of the day… I chose to go down this road and now I need to navigate myself to a better place. I haven’t figured out some of the Davide stuff going on. Nate said some things that have me questioning whether I missed something big with Davide. Lots to think of and process there.
I’m trying to find a way to get Nate out from under my skin. I’m trying to get over it the only way I know how. Lots of making playlists. Getting lost in songs. Writing until my fingers hurt. Surfing or workin out every spare moment I can get away. This has been incredibly hard and I’m crushed. I’m still in love with him, but I love and respect me more.