We went out for St. Patties day with some friends when Davide wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me onto his lap.
“Sit here” he said with a smile.
“Oh it’s okay, we’re going to be here awhile. I’ll get my own chair.” I said as I moved to a stool.
He frowned. Usually I’d sit on his lap and tease the hell out of him. For the rest of the night, he kept pulling me close and as much fun I was having with my friends & cousins, I was starting to feel smothered.
On the car ride home he started teasing me about my guy friends in front of Tots and Kaia. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than bickering in front of anyone else.
“Those guys are all in love with you!” he complained.
“No they aren’t. What happened to make you think that?” I said shaking my head at him
“You’re blind!” he yelled out frustrated.
“Stop acting jealous. It’s not attractive.” I whispered
He glared at me from across the car… then turned up the music.
That night after Tots went to bed, we laid on the couch watching a movie. He pulled me close and cuddled with me. I let him for a few minutes before shifting and getting up to do the dishes.
A few minutes later, he followed and helped me clean.
Then he grabbed my hand and pulled me into a dance. We always do this. It’s our thing… he pulls me in close and we slow dance in the kitchen while we’re cooking and cleaning. He spins me around and dips me. We practice the two-step I’ve been teaching him. He knows I love to dance. But tonight… instead of looking up at him like I normally do, I pressed my forehead into his chest and looked down. I felt confused and overwhelmed.
“You’re talking to him again.” He stated, referring to Nate/Heartbreak.
I looked up, met his eyes… seeing the frustration and hurt. There was nothing to say but the truth… “I never stopped. We agreed I didn’t have to.” I said quietly.
He let out a groan and let go of me, stepping away. “What the hell is going on with you? Talk to me” he said raising his voice.
I shrugged… “I promise I’m trying. My head is just a mess right now and we have guests. Can we talk about it later?” I asked.
He picked up Cliff’s leash and grabbed Cliff.
“Where are you going?” I asked…
“Out! Does it matter?” he yelled back.
“Please don’t talk to me like that… I don’t want to fight.”
He slammed the door and left.
Tots peaked her head out of the guest bedroom.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
I nodded. “It will be. Hope the door slamming didn’t wake any of you up.” She smiled back and went to bed.
Kaia came out a few minutes later and helped me finish up with the kitchen. Then he pulled out a wine bottle. “Wanna talk about it?” he asked. I smiled and grabbed some wine glasses.
I’m incredibly protective over Tots, I didn’t think anyone would be worthy of her… but her husband is amazing, and he’s become like my older brother/best friend. He is also low key incredible at pep talks and getting me to open up.
“So… what’s going on?” he asked.
I sighed. “The whole thing in the car… my guy friends? Am I missing something?”
Kaia shrugged, “I think he’s just not used to your world. Nothing happened with your friends, but I think he feels like he’s losing you… and then for every guy to look at you the way they do. He probably just drank too much and was frustrated.”
I nodded. I don’t think anyone looks at me different, but I can get it from that viewpoint. “Why can’t he just say that?” I said exasperated. Kaia shrugged.
“Kaia… be straight with me. What do you really think of him? Am I missing something? You’d tell me if you saw something, right?”
He let out a deep breath. “He’s a cool guy. I like him a lot. I don’t think many guys are worthy of you, and he is definitely lucky. He at least knows that and treats you really well. I don’t think you’ll find anyone more devoted to you then him. I’d tell you if I saw something, I don’t think you’re missing anything… I just think you’re his whole world and you’re not used to the pressure of that and that has you doubting whether you want that. But that’s something you have to figure out.”
Of course. Leave it to Kaia to get to the heart of the matter. I gulped down my wine.
We chatted for a bit more after that and then went to bed. I heard Davide come home like an hour later, but he never came back to bed. He opted for the couch with Cliff.
I hate hurting him. I know he is incredible. He is my partner in crime. My support system. He buys me flowers several times a week. Plans romantic date nights. Is constantly bringing me gifts… I really am his whole world. I have an incredible life with him… but is it what my heart wants? Do I want to be his whole world? Do I love him the way he deserves?
I tried to sleep… but kept waking up, feeling restless. A million things on my mind.
He came back to bed around 4am, but stayed firmly on his side of bed. So I know he was still pissed. In the morning I took my shower and he didn’t try to join. Which I was secretly relieved about… I need to think. We made breakfast together… but he was quiet. Too quiet.
As I was leaving, he kissed my forehead and reminded me of our date tonight and the few days we had planned to spend up North this week.
I had been wanting to try out this Glamping thing in Northern California. Davide had surprised me by booking us a few nights there, before all the stuff happened with my dad…. and now we’re trying to figure out if I should even go.
How can he told me so close… and I feel so far from him? I know it’s not fair. I just have to figure out what the hell I’m going to do about it.
I had it all figured out…
I thought my decision was final. After days of not figuring out things with Nate, I made a decision to move on. I started to figure everything out with Davide… but I was miserable. Upset. Hurt. Frustrated.
Then Nate called. That phone call was the worst, we were both struggling. He said a lot and it took everything I had to maintain calm and not act hurt and completely irrational. When it comes to him… I feel like a raw exposed nerve.
It was explosive conversation and I was pissed. But the next day we both started really communicating… it was like everything changed between us. A switch flipped. It was clear how much we BOTH cared. There is a reason why I fell so hard for him… he is incredible.
Him delaying, made sense. We’re caught between trying to do what’s right between our relationships With partners who need opposite things.
Problem was… I had already started coming up with a rough plan with Davide. We figured out where we wanted to make our home base. How he has to head back to Positano in May. Which means a month apart, before I can join him in June. By then the Visa should be official.
But now… all I could think about was does this plan really make sense? Can we delay the Visa stuff? What would it mean for our relationship? I can’t do long distance. How do I approach this without royally screwing myself or Davide over? Is that even possible?
Every time Davide pulled me close… I just… I wanted space to think. Want to figure it out. Davide has every right to be frustrated and hurt. I need to do right by him. I just don’t know how to do that… and what’s right for my heart. Is that even the same thing? Different things? It’s hard to tell.
In trying to figure all of this out, I’m hurting him more. Causing him to sleep on the couch. This sucks.