My dad is doing pretty great, all things considering. It’s been awesome to have him back. He’s not at 100%… but it’s a huge relief for him to be alive. To hug him. Now it feels like there is this calm settling in after the storm we’ve had for the past month… and I honestly could use a breather right now.
Two of my guy friends & coworkers came over and we coworked all afternoon. Which mostly consists of all of us working off our laptops and taking dance party breaks. It was nice to just hangout and laugh. It was a nice break from the usual routine.
Last night Davide had planned this night out- my favorite Mexican restaurant and some salsa dancing. I loooove dancing. Salsa, Swing, Line Dancing, Two-Stepping… I’m fascinated by it all. I took a lot of dance lessons as a teenager, so I really know how to work it. Davide is a good dancer but has been hardcore practicing since we’ve met and we crushed it. I had so much fun!! Then Davide started acting weird whenever I danced with someone else. Later that night as we were falling asleep he said it’s because he feels like he has this Ferrari and he doesn’t like that someone knows how to drive it better than him. I don’t know how I feel about being likened to a possession like that though. When I noticed him acting odd, I only danced with him for the rest of the night. For the most part it was nice to just get lost in the music. Forget all of the stress of the past month or so.
Davide finally stopped sleeping on the couch and came back to our bed. I woke up to his arms around me, so things are pretty much back to normal. He even joined my morning shower, which I was surprised by. I realized that there are a lot of things about Us that I used to take for granted as us being “normal”, and a lot of it has changed so much… pretty much since I fell for Nate.
I know it’s all on me. The only reason we haven’t been getting along perfectly… is me. I’M the one holding back. Holding back and delaying everything because I fell for someone else. I’m the type of person that’s either all or nothing. If I’m unsure of our future, I stop being intimate with him. Which for me… is actually a really hard thing to do. I need that on the daily, at minimum. I start to get really sexually frustrated otherwise. Problem is, I just don’t like thinking of Nate doing the same thing… so I’ve been trying not to do that to him. After Nate brought it up last night… I felt kinda dumb for being that way. Pushing away Davide the way I am, especially when Nate isn’t doing that in his relationship. Why am I the only one causing problems? So I’m trying to go back to “normal”. Trying not to be so ‘all or nothing’.
I admit it, I missed sex… a lot. Davide did too, so I feel kinda bad for doing that to him. This morning we were getting ready to hit the road for our big road trip up to Big Sur. I still needed to pack, which isn’t that big of a deal since I’m super good at packing quickly.
When I went to go pack I realized allllll of my underwear was missing? Turns out Davide had already packed for me. Which was basically just a suitcase full of underwear, bikinis, sex toys, and some restraints. (insert eye roll here). Such. A. Guy. We at least had a good laugh about it.
We’re on the road now. We just left San Luis Obispo, where we grabbed lunch with my mom’s best friend Carol. She’s practically my aunt and hadn’t met Davide yet.
It felt weird… her fawning and gushing over Davide. Like obviously I’m proud of who he is.. I think he’s incredible. For some reason, it just made me feel awkward. Mostly because it felt weird the way Davide talks about our future. He talks about how we’re moving to Kauai, want to start a family soon, and the Visa. Like it’s so set in stone. When for me… it’s still a huge question mark. Maybe I’m overthinking it… but sometimes it just feels like how I feel about it… is not even a factor. I’m probably just overthinking.
We have a few nights Glamping in Big Sur and I’m pretty excited about where we’re staying. I’ve dreamt of this place for years, so it’s kinda amazing that Davide surprised me with it. I can’t wait to just cuddle up and read my book. Eat s’mores!! Hike! Davide has never been camping before at all…. so hopefully he’ll be super into glamping and I can then ease him into camping. Also, one of my favorite coworkers ever only lives like an hour away, so we’re planning on meeting up for lunch while we’re here. I haven’t met his wife yet, who is this complete badass… and I’m beyond excited to hangout with her.
Things with Nate/Heartbreak are good, well as good as it could possibly be given the situation. How I feel about him, it’s intense. It’s hard… feeling the way I do, knowing he’s with someone else. That I’m with someone else. I feel like we’ve gotten better at communicating through it, which has been our saving grace. Last night our talk about being intimate with our partners was hard on me, more than I probably let on. Nothing I can do about it, so I’m just trying to not think about it and get back to normal with Davide. I’ve been the one causing issues in our relationship, because I’m the one holding back. But why? Why am I? Maybe I was just being silly.
Knowing that nothing about our future is sure. That even Nate is not 100% sure. I’m not used to that. I’ve never ever had a guy doubt that with me before. Part of it is a challenge. Part of it is a complete mindfuck. So when I feel like Nate has a doubt about me, it just grows in my mind and makes me doubt whether I’d be making the right decision… jumping in with him. Why am I jumping out of a really good relationship for a chance at the unknown? I don’t like the unknown. I like plans. I like… being prepared for what’s going to happen. Life isn’t made to be that easy though. So I’m trying to just… calm down, and let it all play out. I love him. I trust him. If this is a priority to us, we’ll figure it out. Right? If it isn’t… I’ve survived worse.