I thought long and hard about the lessons I had learned from my ex. Mostly everything I wrote about in my last post. It all kept playing over and over in my head like a broken record. It made me rethink the situation with Nate/Heartbreak and how I had learned that I tend to put someone’s needs before my own with people who don’t really care about me. Then I end up in situations where I’m treated as a second option. I had promised myself that I would never just blindly believe vague promises again. I thought I had learned that lesson… so then why does this place look so familiar?
I decided to ask because if I do this- if I leave my relationship and jump in with Nate… how do I even know he won’t leave me hanging? Is he asking me to wait a year for him? Indefinitely? 6 months? I’m not asking him for a decision or even for him to leave his situation right now, I just want to know what the hell his plan is, I want to know he’s thinking about this- that he’s serious enough about me fitting into his life. Nate is a really really great guy. He is smart and kind. I believe in him so much. But all I ended up with was more vague answers. He didn’t know. Didn’t want to feel pressured. I don’t want to pressure him ever, that’s not what I’m looking for… but this is as big of a red flag that there is.
If he isn’t sure about us… I need to bow out now. It’s okay if he can’t give me what I need. I wish he could, but sometimes things just don’t work out. I have this Visa stuff and a move hanging over my head. I have a whole life with Davide hanging in the balance. Even though Nate says all the right things, his lack of a plan or motivation to come up with one just feels like all he wants is to fuck me, break my heart, and never leave his relationship, because the only thing he has planned is the sex part. Past that… he hasn’t put any effort in. I have to make decisions here, I’m booking a flight to head back to Kauai and that means setting in motion hundreds of decisions tied to that. I can’t wait around or risk it all with no idea on when it’ll end. IF it’ll ever end. Why the hell should I go out of my way just to walk into a situation where I’m going to get screwed over? If he isn’t sure and doesn’t have a plan… I need to walk away. I need to choose me, if there is no clear plan then this is just some wish/dream that isn’t ever going to happen. I’ll just be some chick he cheated on his fiancé with once and that is not who I am. It’s as simple as that.
It was a tough call to make, but I can’t chance getting played here. This is my life. My happiness is on the line.
I wasn’t sure I made the right decision. I kept questioning myself after I made it. Am I walking away from the best guy I’ve ever met?
I purposely don’t look on IG, but I decided to take one look at his fiancés IG and knew instantly that I had made the right decision by walking away. Someone who is thinking of leaving their fiancé doesn’t leave a comment like that yesterday and she’s still wearing her ring. Things aren’t adding up with what he tells me.
It hurt seeing that. A lot. Like a knife to the gut because it wasn’t what he said it was… at all. Which instantly filled me with doubt. Clearly he is all in with his relationship, which he should be. Just wasn’t what he was telling me. I thought we told each other the truth, that we told each other everything. Clearly believing that was a mistake. That was all the answers I needed.
I feel like… I was just a lapse in judgement for him after all. Maybe just someone he wants to fuck, since that’s how he’s treating this. That hurts and I feel like a complete idiot, but I deserved that. I fell in love with someone who is engaged. What did I expect to happen? If you act like a side chick- that’s all you ever will be.
So I called everything off with Nate/Heartbreak. It’s over. I’m not second guessing it. I’m done.
All of this happens while I’m on this trip with Davide. My handsome guy, who is kind and completely all in with me. He moved half way across the world to be with me. He plans romantic getaways and looks at me like… I’m everything. He’s sitting across the table from me and I am just… utterly crushed and heartbroken. He’s all smiles and telling me how beautiful I am. I can barely force a smile. I finished my glass of wine and asked him if we could go home now.
As he drove us home, he intertwined our fingers. I wanted to pull away… shut myself off from the world… instead I just let him. He’s hasn’t done anything wrong, in fact he’s done the exact opposite. I shouldn’t shut him out too, especially after all he’s done this weekend. My decisions are laid out like dominos right in front of me. I’m with Davide. We do these Visa interviews. We become forever. Then the whole white picket fence and kids scenario begins to play out. Like a dominos line… all of those decisions just roll right into each other.
If this was all I ever wanted, why don’t I feel happy? I got the answer I needed, problem is- it wasn’t the answer I was hoping for. I stared out the window solemnly looking at the ocean… feeling miles away. No dancing. No laughing… like I usually am in the car. Davide kept asking me if I was okay. I nodded and just said I was tired. That was a lie- I’m heartbroken and crushed and I’m angry with myself for… falling for it.
I couldn’t stop my brain from thinking about it. Obsessing about it. When we got home I went to the gym, I was an utter mess there, because I couldn’t get out of my head. So I went for a run. Couldn’t turn off my brain with that either.
I sat on the couch, drinking more wine. Miserable. “Are you okay?” Davide asked and he wrapped his arms around me. I nodded, knowing I wasn’t. How can I have him and only think about someone else? Someone who will never be mine? Never was mine? Maybe I’ll just get over it eventually. Go back to how I was before. Maybe I was mistaken… soulmates don’t act this way… maybe Nate never was my soulmate?
I went out with my sister, her friends, and Tots, since David’s decided to stay in. Tots took one look at me and saw right past my fake smile. “You gonna tell me what’s going on?” She asked. “Nope.” I replied as I gulped down my drink and went back to the dance floor. I felt her eyeing me suspiciously for the rest of the night. Thankfully that was the only time she asked about it. I danced until I finally got lost in the music. Guys were especially grabby… I didn’t even feel the desire to push them away… I felt so far behind my walls it was like they couldn’t even reach me there. But I pushed them away and redirected their hands anyways. Thankfully two of my best guy friends, Glenn and Jeremy showed up and helped be my buffer.
I know that I can’t tell anyone about this. I don’t want them to think about Nate differently. He is going to be in my life either way. At least… I hope he will. He’ll likely be gone in less than a month though, after my side chick glow has worn off. That’s usually how guys work. As soon as sex is off the table, they disappear. I know… there has got to be a reasonable explanation for all of this. I came up with a bunch of reasons… but none of them change the fact that I can’t do this. I won’t do this to myself. I’m not a side chick. I’m not some meaningless fling. I’m a once in a fucking lifetime kinda girl and I’m not going to accept being treated like anything less.
It was late when Nate reached out. Seeing his name on the screen of my phone, felt like a dagger to the heart. I could tell he wanted me to open up… but I was miles behind my wall at this point. Still trying to turn off my brain. Trying to stop thinking about all of this…. to try and stop thinking about him.
His words were thoughtful and sweet. But all I could think about was how his words and his actions don’t match up. I need to stop believing everything so easily. I hate that I doubt him now. When I respect him so much.
All I know is that he is smart, kind, and amazing. That I’m sure he has his reasons. That all I want is for him to be happy, and I’m sure his fiancé is doing that for him, that’s why I’m not ever going to be in the picture. I should’ve never fallen for someone who is engaged. That is all on me. All this hurt badly but what makes it worse is that I chose this. I let myself catch feelings, when I knew better. Now I have to find a way to move on and be happy.
I’ve always said that if Nate and I want to make it work, we would. We haven’t. There is no plan to. That’s the answer I needed. This is just how it is. Life moves on… right?