My Life Nate

Onward

Here I am. On a plane. Again.

I spent some quality time with my dad yesterday. Felt good to just be home for a day. To hug on him.

I can’t even remember the last time I felt like his little girl… he has never treated me like his little girl. He’s that way with my little sister on rare occasions, but never with me. It was nice… really nice. To get kissed on the forehead and told that he loved me and was proud of me for handling everything the way I did. Proud of me for stepping up and keeping the family united. He told me he heard some of things my brother said and did (which I didn’t write about here- but they were horrible) and set him straight. He never talks to me like that… ever. So I couldn’t help but get teary eyed. I’m just happy he’s okay.

I’m trying to be careful about my expectations with my parents. We’ve had a rough… rough time over the years. There are always phases when I think things are going to change for the better. That they might actually appreciate me and I dunno… love me. But then it all blows up in my face and I end up even more wounded. It’s happened too many times to count.

So… that moment meant a lot to me. I think I’m probably going to cherish it forever. But I’m trying to be careful about managing my own expectations and hopes. I hope things change between us… I genuinely do. I just have to be careful.

On a Plane

Tots, Kaia, and Kaileaha were headed home today. while we were on our trip up north, Davide and I chatted about me heading back to Kauai with them.

I had left Kauai abruptly when everything happened with my dad. I have lots of loose ends to tie up around the construction finishing on the house. We decided that we should get it furnished and ready to be a vacation rental. So I need to get things kicked off there.

I’m deciding on whether to move out of my place in California in the next month. I love my place, it’s perfect… but the beach traffic gets insane in the summer and I’ve been undecided for awhile, if this is where I belong.

We’ve been discussing making Kauai my home base- ship whatever things I need to keep there. If the house is a vacation rental, I can still stay in it when I’m around and rent it out when I’m not.

It’s going to be a really busy few months for us. Between some work travel I have planned and Davide needing to head back to Italy in May. So really the only time for me to go back to Kauai is now… before Davide’s sister flys out to visit us. It was a pretty last minute decision that we made on Saturday but it makes sense.

We don’t know how long it’s going to take me to get the construction planned and a game plan going for furnishing the house. My aunt offered to manage the design of everything (she lives for this stuff), so I just need to get a plan in place… and hand over the reigns to her. So I’m headed to Kauai now, to at least get the lay of the land. Davide is staying behind for a few days, he’s going to watch Cliff and get him off to the sitters okay- then join me on Kauai if it’s going to take me more than a few days.

I feel weird about going to Kauai right now. That island is all I’ve thought about for months now. And now that my dad is okay… and I’m headed back, it feels surreal. It’ll be nice to be surrounded by the family, maybe it’ll be a good distraction.

Nate and I are over… and that brings up a lot of complicated feelings. I need to stay as distracted and as busy as possible. Part of the reason why I wanted to figure out the Nate stuff, was I needed to know how real/serious he was before I went to Kauai.

I’m having a hard time writing about this part. I don’t want to reveal too much. Why everything came to a head for me on Saturday… it opened up for me to go to Hawaii without Davide. Which would mean an opportunity to see Nate.

Problem is, if I do that… Davide would definitely find out- and our relationship would go up in flames. Or I end it with Davide ahead of time, so I’m free to go to. Either way… I’d be leaving my relationship. I was trying to figure out if it was worth it. Am I going to end up in this alone, having lost everything… and Nate never leaves his relationship? Has no plan to?

I’m not doing that. Not taking that risk. I need to know that he’s dead serious about me. His vague non committal answer meant either one of two things to me. One, he has no intention of ever making me a part of his life or leaving his fiancé- this is just a side chick situation. Or two, he does care but doesn’t like to plan ahead, isn’t sure how all of this will work, isn’t thinking big picture. Either way… I can’t be with someone like that… which is why it’s over. I have no problem being patient, but I’m not jumping ship for someone with no plan here.

Overall… I’ve just decided to let go of all of my hurt and frustration at myself. At the situation with Nate. At life. I’m letting it be. This is my life. It’s a great life. I can’t always be chasing after what I’ll never have. I just need to focus on being the best version of myself. Focus on being happy.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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