Decorating the House:

L and I spent most of yesterday coming up with a plan for my new house.

Right now my plan is just get the basics. Couch, TV, beds, chairs, and dining room table. Some basic wall decor. Patio furniture for outside eating and kitchen essentials. I figure I can add more decor as the months go on. Right now I just need it functional.

We came up with a budget, but I pretty much already knew what I wanted. Then L and I have a similar taste in style- clean & comfy. So she was the perfect person to coordinate with.

We got almost everything ordered yesterday. The easiest parts was the beds since one of the rooms has built-in bunk beds, mostly we just needed mattresses.

Only major thing left is for me to go sit on a bunch of couches and decide. It looks like we’re going to come pretty decently under the budget that I have in mind. Which for me is a huge feat considering L’s expensive taste.

Then we drew diagrams and measured everything out, so we have a plan for where everything goes. I thought this would end up being a huge undertaking, so the fact that we were able to get it all figured out within a few days has been huge.

The few small things Johnny’s crew missed: I made a color-coded list and marked each thing with a masking tape and numbered the masking tape. Then Johnny made fun of me for a solid hour about it my numbered list that matched my numbered masking tape. Before finally admitting it was semi brilliant.

Dusty

Dusty called in the morning. Said he heard I was back on the island and wanted to at least see me.

We have the same conversation every single time I see him and it’s so damn frustrating. If I avoid him, he pops up somewhere. The island is too small and he’s too connected with my family to avoid.

But Dusty was someone who… who was there for me during probably the worst time of my life. I was a wreck and he just 1000% supported me through it. We would go surfing and would take me around the island for hours. We’d just hangout and work out. Then I eventually broke his heart. So, yeah… I feel like I owe him. So… I agreed to see him. He was my friend when I felt like I didn’t have any.

I invited him to go surfing with me and my cousin Chase. Problem was, Chase showed up a few hours late… which sucked because that meant I was alone with Dusty. Not something I was super happy about.

We were sitting on our boards between sets when he said, “I should’ve got you flowers more.”

“You really think we broke up because you didn’t buy me enough flowers?” I asked
“Well… not exactly. Maybe you would’ve stayed with me if I had. It seems to work for Davide.” he stated.
“It’s a totally different situation because he’s a totally different person. Besides you know I don’t like gifts.” I said back, flatly.
“You like his gifts.” he said accusatory.
I gave him a look before saying, “I don’t like anyone spending a lot of money on me. You know that. That hasn’t changed.”

We were quiet for awhile until he blurted out “I don’t think you should marry him or do this whole Visa thing.”

I flashed back to the week I was supposed to get married in January and the intense arguments that Dusty and I got in during that time period. I really didn’t want to go down that road with him again. I took a deep breath and said,
“Yeah, you’ve mentioned that before. Can we talk about something else? If you want to hang and be friends, then we have to do actual friend stuff. Talk about actual friend stuff. Not just talk about my current relationship or our previous one.” I pointed out.

“We can talk about something else once you tell me you’re not going to marry him.” he retorted, sounded wounded.
“Why can’t you just let it go? Let me go?” I asked.
He sighed and said “You were the best I’ve ever had. THE best. Not just in the bedroom, but outside it as well. You are just perfect and I let you get away. I blew it. That is always going to be my biggest regret. Now I can’t get you out of my head… and you’re marrying this random guy you met on vacation.”

I nodded and then took a deep breath. “I get that, but Dust- we were only together a few months. We didn’t work out for a reason. Even if I wasn’t with him, that’s not going to change that we aren’t getting back together. Not to mention you have a GIRLFRIEND, in case you forgot. You have to let it go or we can’t be friends.”

“You probably hear that a lot. That you’re the best someone has had.” he stated, completely ignoring everything I said before.

I didn’t meet his eyes. I didn’t really see the point of where this was going. Yes, I have been told that I was the best by every person I’ve been with. It’s a point of pride for me. I like being the best, I work hard for it. But that’s also not something you want to share with an ex.

So I just shrugged and then changed the subject.

“Oh god. You do don’t you? Which is why every guy wants to marry you!” he exclaimed
“Not everyone wants to marry me. Cut it out.” I replied.
“I did! Hell…do you remember that one night when you did that…” he continued
“DUSTY!” I shouted, cutting him off and glaring at him, knowing exactly what he was referring to, but this whole conversation was so uncomfortable.
“What???? Do you do that with Davide? Is that why he wants to marry you too?”

“First, that is NONE of your business. Second, you are being a complete asshole! I will paddle in if you’re going to make this a thing and keep going there.” I said firmly looking him in the eye so he knew I was serious.
“Fine.” he said. “But I know I’m right.”
I rolled my eyes at him.

A minute or two later as we sat there in silence he asked, “What if we did it just ONE more time.”
“Not in a million years. And you have a girlfriend.” my voice hard as I spat out the words. How could he even imply I’d ever do something like that??
“Yeah… but she’s not like you. No one is.” He said, his voice pleading.
“Bye Dusty” I said as I turned and paddled in.

Nate

Nate and I talked. Well… we never really stop talking. We always stay in touch. When I ended things… we just started talking to each other differently. More walls.

I hate it when we’re like that. I feel the happiest when I can just tell him anything, and when he does the same. I hate having walls and filters with him. It’s incredibly painful. At the same time, I don’t see the point in telling him how I really feel when we’re going through that. It feels… pointless. Why tell him how crushed I am? It won’t change anything?

I’m very guarded when I’m hurt. I kinda just… focus on what I think is best for the other person and don’t show them how hurt I am.

I learned from a young age, not to show someone that they’re hurting you. So I have an incredible poker face in that area.

When I was a kid… my older brother would get fairly mean & nasty with me. My dad was an angry guy, and I think my brother just thought that’s how men are supposed to behave. Crying when I’d get hurt would only make it worse. So I stopped. Instead I just acted… unaffected. I did the same with my dad when he’s angry. That was how I survived. I just… got super logical and calm. When I react with emotion or heart… it only made it worse. So instead I just get unnervingly calm and detached from it all. I never stop caring and never stopped hurting. I think I actually end up hurt wayyy more than people would ever think. It’s just how I get through it… and why I think I still get so guarded.

It was late at night and Nate and I were both frustrated with each other. I was frustrated by all the things I couldn’t say. At him for thinking I just gave up. When I had been fighting for us the whole time… I’m just not going to be the only one in this.

Finally Nate explained how he’s been feeling. Explained his plan. How it had always been his plan.

When I originally asked him what his plan was, I was looking for something along the lines of “I need a couple of months to get out of my relationship and then I can give us a shot.”

But he had thought further than that. Talked about us dating, me moving in, eventually getting engaged and setting a timeline for marriage. He thought wayyyy further than I was expecting. He was all in. Just like I am.

I was frustrated that we couldn’t have just had this conversation days before.

It’s hard because when I called it off with Nate, things were at a point with Davide where I had to make some tough calls. So things got set in motion… that I don’t know how to stop.

We scheduled our appointment for the visa. I bought plane tickets for his sister and dad to come visit. And he started getting some of the wedding planning underway.

What am I supposed to do here? Tell Nate ‘Sorry, you’re too late?’ because that’s not what I want. At all. He’s still a risk… but I genuinely believe he’s worth it. So then that leaves me with what… trying to put things back in the box with Davide? Us facing me moving to Italy so we can be together because I won’t do this Visa? How do I put the brakes on all of this… without completely crushing him?

I love them in very different ways

I realized that I do love them both, but it’s in very different ways.

Nate is… all consuming. It’s intense and when we argue, it’s intensely painful. I don’t like how we communicate when we’re frustrated. It’s like we can’t get through to each other. But how we feel about each other… it’s really really strong.

I think like the reason why I broke it off is a good example. I asked for a general plan/timeline, he said he couldn’t. I ended it. We go days like that. And then late at night when we’re frustrated with each other… I find out there has been a plan all along.

I don’t want to act like it’s all him. It’s not. It’s most definitely something with me too. How I feel about him is intense… and any disturbance in that… it’s hard for me to take and then I have a hard time communicating with him at all. I’m just this… ball of frustrated emotions.

With Davide… it’s this slow burning steady kinda love, like an ember. He is just consistently my rock. We’re really passionate with each other, but feelings wise it’s not as intense as it is with Nate, he’s like this intense flame for me. I love Davide. I think the world of him. We do argue, but we communicate well and work as an amazing team through everything. Yeah, how we happened was fast- but I also think that a lot about us makes so much sense.

So I’m now back at square one.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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