Why am I in this relationship?

It’s been a weird couple of days. I have a lot on my mind… and have just been doing lots of thinking and soul searching.

I feel like… for majority of my life I’ve been looking after other people. Fitting myself around what they need, what they wanted. I’m good it. I do it before I even realize what I’m doing, it’s second nature to take care of people that mean a lot to me.

I feel like for so long life chipped away at me until… instead of finding what truly suited me… I camouflaged myself. I hid the bits that made me different. Until I just couldn’t anymore… because I realized that if I was the person they’d want me to be… I’d have make myself smaller than who I truly am.

Now I feel like right now I’m this version of myself that I love completely. I’m happy and free. I wake up everyday, excited. I am a badass at work and I love the direction I’m headed in.

I also feel like there is this whole other Monica right around the corner… someone I haven’t met yet. I feel like the key to meeting her… is making sure that whoever I allow to walk beside me doesn’t get to decide who I am or allow them to pin me down like a butterfly in a case. I need someone who knows that there are like at least 10 other versions of myself I need to get to know… and I’m going to always find a way to reinvent and explore myself. I need someone who is down to grow with me, who will challenge me, and encourage me. Not just love who I am today and try to keep me pinned down to that.

Yesterday I just took the entire day for myself. I just needed me time. To surf. To read. To hike. To just… be away from everyone. I feel like my life has been nonstop. I disappear like that from time to time, and it was exactly what I needed. I spent a lot of time thinking about…

Why am I in this relationship?

I’ve been thinking about this question all day long. Why am I really with Davide? Is it because I respect, love, trust, and value him? Or is it because I’m afraid of being alone, worried about where he’ll be financially without me, or scared of leaving the life that we’ve built and the future we have planned together?

I feel like I’m with him because I genuinely love and respect who he is. I trust him. My heart has never felt so safe with someone… I don’t have a single doubt in my mind how he feels about me and what he’d do for Us and our relationship. Davide doesn’t hurt me. He doesn’t make me cry. We have so much fun together. I still think back to our second date and running through pouring rain to get to our dinner reservations. How we were laughing and having the time of our lives in the middle of a pouring storm. That pretty much describes how we’ve faced every other storm since that point. We laugh, we make it fun, and we get through it together. Over the past few months the doubts I’ve had in our relationship have grown… but there is also a lot of things I don’t doubt.

I don’t think I’ve given him nearly enough credit for all that he’s done for me during this past month, when my dad was in the hospital. Thinking I was going to lose my dad… gosh all those days and nights in the hospital. I was so stressed. All of the family drama. And Davide… he was just completely supportive. He was my eye of the storm.

Taking care of Cliff, cleaning our house, cooking dinner for me and my family. He was the shoulder I cried on. He’d wake up in the middle of the night and talk me through whatever I needed, when my fears were keeping me awake at night.

When I started to feel myself slip into issues with my anxiety and depression… he was the one that was there. Waiting right outside my wall, for me to open up. Buying me flowers. Telling me corny jokes. Always remembering my Chipotle order. Taking me on dates. Quietly hanging out in the background while me and my best friends had our wine nights and girl talk. He put up with my brother… even finding common ground with him. Surprising me with a romantic weekend away… he doesn’t have to do any of those things, but he is fighting so hard for a life with me because he is so damn sure about us.

I feel so selfish when I look back on how I was acting. How I pushed him away because I was hurt or confused about Nate. Even then, he just was calmly my rock. Allowing me to feel whatever I needed to feel and I just love and respect him so damn much for that. I know that he is great for me. I know that he makes me happy. I am happy with him. I don’t say that enough.

The only question mark I have with him… is can he grow with me? Like push me and let me be the 10 other versions of myself that I want to be?

The fact that he knows that I’ve fallen in love with someone else… and yes that hurts and frustrates him… but he still gives me space to figure out how I feel. He doesn’t have to do that. Which is what makes me think that maybe he could. Maybe he would accept the 10 other versions of myself that I’ll grow into… I’m not positive on it though.

Sometimes… I feel pinned down. Like all of this marriage and kids talk… is going to put me into a cage I’ll never be able to get out of? I mean, it is what I want. I do want to get married. I do want kids. I know that we’re on a fast track… because I told him I won’t do long distance with him and the fact that we’re from different countries means that if we want to be together and not do long distance this is the route we need to go.

I know that he’s a good person. I just worry about being the center of his whole world. And if I’m being honest… I think that I am worried about what will happen if I don’t support him financially. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. He gave up so much to be here with me.. ya know? That was a huge risk, but he believes in me and us enough for that. So, yeah that gives me hesitation when I think of ending it with him.

I know I’m not with him because I’m scared of being alone. I’m not scared of being alone at all. I’m more scared of being with the wrong person. Or fucking it up with the right person. I don’t think I have all the answers I need yet. I’m working on it.

Missing him

Last night… I found myself missing him. Usually he’s always right there, so it’s kinda hard to miss him. So this space… it gives me time to think. At night is when I miss him the most. I miss talking to him about my day. Him asking about the funny things my coworkers said/did. I even miss waking up to him and him sleepy quizzing me about my dreams. I have the weirdest dreams at night… and he is endlessly amused by them, which I think is really sweet.

He ended up calling me last night and we had a really good heart to heart. He’s having a hard time with me being away in Kauai right now. He was telling me how he puts my picture on my pillow at night.

I have this strange love for Polaroid pictures. So Davide takes a bunch of them and then uses them to sketch me in his notebook. He puts his favorite ones all around the house, in the car, next to our bed, and in a bunch of other random places. But his favorite one lives in his wallet.

It’s this picture that he took of me in my bikini. I’m tan, grinning at him, my wind blown hair… completely wild. I look so happy and beautiful. When I see it… I remember the day he took it.. how we had spent all day making love over and over. Then we laid out at the beach and took naps in the warm sun. Still tangled up in each other. I was so damn sure about us back then.

He usually keeps the polaroid in his wallet and last night he was telling me how he’s been putting it on my pillow at night, so he can look at it while he falls asleep. He told me how much he misses watching me sleep and the little moans I make when he grabs my curves while I’m completely out of it. Sometimes he says the sweetest things… I know I’m in an incredible relationship with a guy that is going to take care of my heart. I still question whether he’s the right guy for the different versions of myself I want to become though. I hope I figure that out soon.

Still pissed at Dusty

Some of the things Dusty said the other day… they got under my skin. I know I shouldn’t care… but the thing is that I do. Even when I know he’s being a complete ass.

Being here on Kauai without Davide… reminds me a lot of last summer. I remember just being this shadow of the person I am. I was in so much fucking pain. And Dusty, he was there for that. He listened to me relentlessly. When he followed me back to California… I genuinely thought “Maybe… this could work, ya know?” I mean he was giving up starting his business on Kauai… to be in California with me because I was unsure of us. We were good together during that time. We were. We had so much fun. But the timing wasn’t right… and I was going through something that had me scared out of my mind. I had no idea what the hell I was going to do. In those moments… he was all in. He wanted to propose, wanted to support me no matter what the future held. Which was sweet… but scared the hell out of me even more. I wasn’t going to tie myself to someone for the wrong reasons, especially considering I was still not 100% over my really bad break up. So I ended it.

Then I found out he was messing around with his now girlfriend during that time… something I haven’t told anyone outside of Tots. Now he has the nerve to act like the victim in all of it. Which… pisses me off.

All the things he said the other day… it just makes me feel like this piece of ass, and it pisses me the hell off. After leaving the beach the other day… I was just so angry and hurt. I’ve given him so many excuses… but at this point, he’s completely ridiculous.

He called that night and like a dozen times since. I don’t want to talk to him at all and I told him so, I also don’t want to see him. I feel like this just all about sex and his stupid male ego. Which is why I lost alllll respect I ever had for him. I don’t like who he is now.

Dusty called Johnny too. We were eating breakfast when Johnny’s phone rang. He gave me a weird look and then answered. I focused on talking with L… but Johnny said something along the lines of that I was with them and then that if I wasn’t answering then he shouldn’t come over. Just give me time.

L and I stopped talking and watched him as he hung up. Johnny cleared his throat, “So, uh, what’s going on with Dusty?” He said trying to sound casual.

I shot him a look. “You mean other than the fact that he’s a complete ass?”

L laughed and Johnny put his hands up in surrender.

“He’s just still in love with you sweetie. Sometimes guys can be that way when they’ve got it bad.” L said in her motherly tone.

I sighed, “Look… I don’t know how much you guys know. I’m sure he’s told you stuff since you guys all hangout… but he has a girlfriend. He had her while he was with me. Did he tell you that part?”

“No…” Johnny said softly.
WHILE he was with you?” L exclaimed

“Yup. She wasn’t the reason why I ended it. I found out after. I’ve been acting like I was the bad guy this entire time for him, because it’s a small island and I do feel bad that I broke his heart… but I’m tired of it. He has no right to be upset that I moved on, when he was with her while we were together. In my opinion, this whole victim act is complete bullshit. So if you guys don’t mind… I’ll be respectfully bowing out when he’s around.”

Johnny nodded.
L patted my back and then changed the subject.

L told me that Dusty called her later and she ‘had a talk with him’ or whatever the hell that means. I told her I didn’t want details. It honestly doesn’t matter at this point. The things he said… it was like he wanted to hurt me. I’m so pissed at him. So over it. Maybe now that Johnny and L know, it’ll mean I see less of him.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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