I hate conflict. Hate it. Haaaaate it.
Ever since our big disagreement and our night out… things haven’t been great with Davide.
I’m the type of person that can forgive pretty easily. Like if you REALLY piss me off or hurt me… I may need a few hours or at worst a night to get over it. But generally I don’t like being at odds with anyone and would pretty much do anything to keep the peace. Even if I don’t feel like I did something wrong, I will come back and find something to apologize for- to try to fix things. I don’t care about being right, I care more about being at peace with everyone.
It bugs me that conflict doesn’t seem to bother him. That he’s okay going days without speaking to me. I’ve tried… but he’s just so upset that all that happens is yelling, or he just leaves or slams the door.
I know all couples go through stuff, but we have gone through this before and we’ve gotten through some rough times together. This can’t be about clothes… I don’t know what the hell this is about, but it’s about something more. I just know it.
I genuinely did try… so I posted a damn photo of the engagement ring. I hate posts like that, I find them so damn annoying. But it means nothing to me and everything to him… so why shouldn’t I?
He used to always promise me that we were going to have a fairytale romance. Like the stuff you see in movies. Buying me flowers every few days, chocolates, massages, trips away, dancing in the moonlight. All the stops. I do my best too… but he’s definitely the romantic one out of the two of us and it’s hard having us being at odds. It’s hard for me… when I feel like he suddenly hates me.
Not to mention… I’m hurt. I feel like all of a sudden this switch went off and I’m not good enough. He’s criticizing my clothes and just me… and I don’t get it. It’s so confusing!
I had plans with one of my friends, so I went out for the night. As I was leaving Davide was especially grumpy about it and said I should probably not even come home.
That hurt and I was pretty irritated with him. He never talks to me like this or treats me like this. I have no idea what the hell is going on.
I went out for the night and crashed at my friends place after. But I couldn’t sleep, I kept tossing and turning. So I left a note and went back home.
I found Davide asleep in our bed… so I crawled in and woke him up in a sexual way. He was disoriented, but I didn’t care. I knew exactly what to do to get both of our minds off of it… I rode him. After that we kept going and going. Finally it felt like all of our walls were down, even his. It was just us… in our little world. The world we once fell in love in.
I looked into his eyes and asked him what the hell was going on between us. He looked hurt and said, “I know what you did.”
“What did I do?” I asked
“You know.” He said, his voice getting hard.
I sighed, “No… I don’t.”
“You fucked him.” He spit out, referring to Nate.
I sighed again and this time shook my head, “No… I didn’t. That’s what all of this is about? You think I lied about seeing him?” I asked.
“You did lie about it, I saw it on your face.” He said turning away.
“I didn’t lie about it, I kept my promise. I didn’t see him. Didn’t do anything with him. I wanted to. Maybe that’s what you saw… but we were never even on the same island.” I said calmly.
He stared me down, searching my eyes and finally kissed me hard.
He flipped me over on the bed and we went at it again.
I felt guilty. Do feel guilty… for how I feel about Nate and how I can never get him out of my head. How I love him. Which I’m still trying to figure out how that’s even possible. Also having sex with Davide somehow feels like a betrayal to Nate, even though I know he’s doing the same thing with his fiancé.
Afterwards, Davide held me and asked, “So you really didn’t see him?”
“I really didn’t see him.” I said. Not saying how badly I wanted to. How I wish I had. How the only thing that stopped me was that I just didn’t think he would.
We were quiet for awhile, so I finally said, “I’m sorry for… how I feel about him. I’m sorry I’ve been confused with you. I know none of this is easy. I probably shouldn’t have even told you about it. I feel like I’m hurting you more because I did.”
He kissed my forehead and said “No. I’m glad you told me. I’m glad you’re honest with me even with the really hard stuff. I trust you more for that. Besides, I want to know if I’m starting to lose you, so I can stop it. Then you were so patient with me when I was off messing around in Italy. Which I shouldn’t have done. I feel like I’m losing you because of that. At least you haven’t fucked him.”
“Okay… well then I should probably tell you that I think you and I should slow down. Postpone the visa interview longer and hold off on planning the wedding.” I said… my voice soft, knowing that these words were going to kill him.
“No.” He said simply.
“No?” I asked.
“That’s right. No. If you want to postpone the interview… fine. I don’t care about the visa. I’m not holding off on the wedding though. In my heart you’re already my wife. I’m going to legally marry you no matter what. You already postponed it once. If we need to move back to Italy to be together because of the Visa we will, but you’re not ending this with me. We are forever. This other guy is just fucking with your head Monica, he just wants to get in your pants. I can’t even blame him… you’re the hottest woman in the world, but you’re also mine. He doesn’t actually care about you. If he did, he would be with you right now… and not off fucking his fiancé. He isn’t here, he’s with someone else. I am here… because I’m the one who genuinely loves you. So no, I’m not delaying us getting married anymore.”
I sighed, his words felt like punches to my stomach. This was going to be painful for him to hear. “I’m confused. I won’t marry you when I’m confused. It’s as simple as that. You’re going to have to respect it.”
He rolled me over until I faced him and we were nose to nose. “You won’t be confused much longer. You are mine.” He kissed me hard and grabbed my ass roughly, forced my legs open, and ground into me… hard.
“Stop.” I whispered. He didn’t. “STOP.” I said, my voice shaking.
I jumped out of bed. “You can’t use sex like a weapon. Can’t use it to make me say Yes. Not to something as big as this. That hurts me.” I said starting to tear up.
His face fell and he apologized. He voice was immediately soothing and he pulled me back into bed, cradling me in his arms, hugging me. Kissed my forehead. I fell asleep in his arms.
The next day was pretty much makeup sex all day long. We didn’t talk about the wedding. I didn’t have the energy to even think about it.
He did apologize for the clothes stuff… said he was just angry and was trying to pick a fight.
Here is the thing… I grew up in a household where conflict was… it was bad. It was silent treatment, yelling, berating, and physical violence. I am not going to have a relationship or a marriage like that. I don’t want that kind of life. I’m not going to be that kind of person. I hate conflict, but it’s something I’m going to master. I want to be able to do it well. It’s something I’ve really focused on… I’m not amazing at it yet… but I am miles away from what I grew up around. I need the same from Davide. The silent treatment and the yelling felt like a major step back for us.
I told him never to do that with me again. If we can’t talk about stuff like adults, I’m out. I need straight forward. I don’t need a partner who fights dirty. I need someone who fights for us, even when it seems impossible.
But at the same time I’m glad the clothes thing isn’t an actual real issue. Whoever I’m in a relationship with needs to be my biggest fan. Him picking me apart just wasn’t going to work.
So where is my head at with all of this?
I wish I knew where my head is at. I’m in a relationship with Davide. I’m not ready to do Visa interviews or think about a wedding right now. I love him despite the doubts I have about us. But if I don’t make my mind up soon, I’m going to mess up our Visa stuff here… which opens this whole other can of worms.
It’s confusing now that Davide and I are having sex again. I’m very black and white in that way… I can’t be intimate if I don’t see a future or I’m unsure of it. I had stopped having sex with Davide for awhile… because of how I was feeling for Nate. That ended up being just… sexually frustrating and made me feel more sensitive to the fact that Nate is with someone else. Now that I went back to having sex with Davide, those feelings have subsided… instead I just feel fucked in the head. Pun not intended.
Nate and I have insane chemistry, but that’s not why I fell for him. I fell for him because he quickly became my best friend and I could tell him anything. Tell him things I can’t even tell Davide. I still feel like he’s one of my best friends, but things have definitely changed over the past few weeks since both of our focuses is around our careers and our relationships. It doesn’t leave room for us to have time to connect on too much else like we used to.
We used to stay up all night to get that emotional connection. Neither of us have time/energy to stay up all night like that now. God I can’t even remember the last time he called me. Maybe over a week and a half ago? For me… emotional connection is everything. It’s the heartbeat of a relationship. So right now it feels like we’re backsliding.
I don’t think we have have the time/energy to do the emotional connection like we used to. I mean hell he’s got a fiancé, that time is rightfully going to her right now. Then I’ve got Davide… who is just giving me all of the attention I crave from Nate. I guess it makes sense why I’m starting to feel like Nate and I are drifting away from each other. We all only have so much emotional energy in a day. You gotta invest in the things that matter and let go of the things that don’t matter. Maybe that’s why this bugs me… this matters to me.
It’s the hours when the silence between us gets loud. When I think, we’re both with the wrong people… but it feels hopeless, like it doesn’t even matter because this is too much of an impossible situation. They’re incredible people, they are… and they’re so close. God, Davide is so damn close to being my soulmate, but he just… isn’t Nate. Thing is, he is the most straight forward and least painful option right in front of me. I know he won’t break my heart. What I question is whether he’s my best long term option… I think that’s Nate. I see myself being happiest long term with Nate.
I don’t know what’s going to happen with Nate and I… or if anything will happen. I think we both hope it will… but that’s not concrete. Nothing you can actually count on. I care about him a lot and we still talk. I don’t think I’ll ever stop caring about him. But I also think if we get to the point where we’re struggling to even talk to each other… I’m going to need to end it, because I know I wouldn’t get bored with my soulmate. It feels like our lives and relationships are sucking the life out of whatever is going on between us.
If you ask me what my heart wants… I desire a life with Nate above all else. It’s just… right now all it can be is a desire. Which just isn’t real or tangible. So I’m trying to take my cues from him and not let what I feel for him affect my real life, like I was doing in the past. I am in a relationship with someone I love… so I guess I just need to focus on that? It hurts my heart, but it’s kinda normal for me to feel that way now. Maybe Davide is right… maybe it will be over with Nate soon? I know he’s saying that out of anger and jealousy, so I try to take whatever he says lightly. But at the same time… the way we’re going right now… the chances of Nate and I working out are getting slimmer and slimmer. Losing our emotional connection… for me, it means the end.
Thing is my life is so much bigger than this big conflict in my heart. This isn’t my whole world. I know I’m a catch. I have so much going for me. I also have a very full life between my job, Davide, my family, and just life. I have incredible friends. While this is a point of confusion… it’s not the end of the world. I’m not going to chase down Nate and beg that we make this happen. I’m not desperate. I care about him… I want it to work and I’m willing to work for that… I know in my gut that us together would be… unstoppable. But ultimately I know I’ll be okay no matter what. I feel myself starting to protect my heart. Since I know that whatever happens next… I can trust that it is what was meant to be. I’m focusing on my amazing life and just being happy. That’s all I really can do.