I’ve been thinking a lot lately… about who I want to become. What’s next for me. What goals I want to go after next.
I feel like this past year… I’ve done what once felt impossible… I’m thriving in what I used to think would be a situation that would kill me. Now… it’s asking myself, what’s next? What’s the next mountain to climb? What do I really want?
Career-wise, everything is amazing. I’m working on one of our largest undertakings ever- to launch over 30 high profile & high traffic news websites for a client within a year. The design process for each site is intense. The strategy to migrate each of these high profile news websites with thousands of posts/pages, and make sure won’t take a hit with the search engines… it’s complex at best. It’s requiring this whole other level of focus and bringing my A game. I love it.
The biggest puzzle piece in my life seems to be my personal life. Where I’m going to live and my relationship with Davide.
I always wanted to settle down, have a family… ya know kids and a amazing husband. Now all of that is right in front of me with Davide… yet something feels off. I can’t help but wonder if I’m just being self destructive by questioning it. Everything I ever wanted for my personal life is right under my nose… and yet I’m finding something wrong with it.
I finally booked my dream trip for my birthday to Iceland.
I am so beyond stoked. I get the chance to possibly see the Northern Lights (which is a Bucket List item for me), see Puffins, ice caves, and I’m just dying to dive in the Silfa Fissure which is the tetaonic plates between America and Europe. I’m already planning out some hikes which look INSANE… and I can’t wait.
Speaking of next big adventures… that brings me to my plans for the next few months.
After I told Davide that I need for us to put the Visa on hold… he wanted to have a deep conversation on what that’d really mean for our relationship and how we’d survive it. Since from the start of our relationship… I’ve said no Long Distance.
What we came up with… was me putting most of my stuff in storage and then traveling to Europe for the summer. I work remotely, so technically I can work from wherever. My main concern is that the large project I’m on, is requires me to work American hours, since I have a lot of important meetings at that time… which would mean I’d need to work in the middle of the night to keep up with my work. Something I’m not exactly excited about. I need to be on my A game for this project.. working in the middle of the night will definitely throw off my game.
He thinks I’m being too hard on myself, that I can make it work, and so for the hell of it we started looking at some flats together in Rome, Lake Como, and Positano. Some of my favorite cities in Italy. We made a tentative plan on spending a month in each city. Or we can just go back to Positano for the full three months… where Davide would be able to work. I love Positano. I just… don’t know if I want to live there right now.
If I’m going to have to be on the road traveling… I’d much rather be somewhere I’ve never been before with cheap housing… like Bali or New Zealand. Maybe even South America… which would be the best case scenario since it’d allow for me to stay in the right timezones. He was… adamantly against those options. I get that I’m frustrating him… I’m really throwing a wrench in things by backing out on the Visa, being inflexible about my work and timezones… when he is giving up his whole life to make us work, and I’m the one backing out.
All of this sounds so insane… who thought my life would involve so much travel… or even the option to? I sure didn’t. Feels like someone else’s problems.
So right now… it’s looks like our options are we either move forward with the Visa and stay here in the states… or if I put the visa on hold, I’d move with him back to Europe until I’m more sure of us.
Or the option that he won’t let me speak of… we break up. I haven’t talked to him about it… mostly because he won’t hear me out about it. He thinks I just want to end things the moment things get tough. Which is frustrating for me… because that’s the last thing on my mind. When things get tough… I stick with it. Hell, I stuck with my ex for 10 years of…. so much crap. I don’t give up easily. That’s not who I am. That’s my problem… and I don’t want to make the same mistake again, sticking with someone just because I want it to work… when it’s not working. We’re kinda at a standoff about the wedding. He feels strongly about us getting married. I feel unsure and confused, which in my book means I’m not going to make a Forever commitment. He won’t accept that as an answer and thinks we need to work harder on our realtionship.
Davide is pushing hard about getting married… and on one hand, I hate the pressure. On the other hand, the fact that he is SO damn sure about me and us… I respect that. He makes me believe in us. That we can make it work. Whoever I’m with, needs to believe in us and fight for us. He’s doing that… and it’s hard for me to be completely frustrated by that.
Being in a relationship with me… it isn’t super easy, I’m not exactly a walk in a park. While I am 100% worth every frustration, I’m complex. I have a heart of gold… and if I love you, I will do anything for you. But I’m not simple or straightforward. I also really think everything through. I’m not going to put myself in a bad situation just for the hell of it. I do not like to be controlled… and I feel like that’s what he’s been doing… trying to control me or manipulate my decisions. Which just… it makes me not trust him.
My parents… they aren’t being any help in all of this. Especially after how much help he was with my dad in the hospital, my mom really got to know him. They adore Davide and think the sooner we get married the better, because he’s living with me right now. Which in their eyes basically makes me a harlot.
That viewpoint used to bug me before… but now… I just let it roll off my back. I’d rather be 1000% sure and a harlot, than a saint who is completely unsure and marries the wrong guy. I’m only getting married once, I have to be sure. Davide mentioned the doubts I’m having to my dad… so now I’m getting pressure from my dad, to just tie the knot already. Which is just no help… and makes me feel manipulated.
Thankfully… my favorite aunt is very opinionated about me making the right decision here. That I don’t rush the decision. So that’s working in my favor and getting some of the pressure off my back.
I decided to take this week for myself. When I’m with Davide… our sex life is intense. And it’s hard for me to really think straight when that’s a big factor. For me… sex isn’t just a physical thing, it’s a deep almost spiritual thing. So when I started to feel like maybe he was using sex to get what he wanted… I need to take a break from it to make sure I’m thinking about my life clearly. So I really think through everything… away from the pressure of our relationship. Davide isn’t happy about me taking this time and going away with my sister. He thinks I’m wasting valuable time that we could be using to work on our relationship. Thing is these are all huge decisions… and I just need to be sure.
So what does this all mean for who I need to become next? I’m not entirely sure, but this next chapter feels like the biggest and most important chapter of my life. I want to get it right. I feel like the happiness for the rest of my life is depending on it…
When I think about what I want my life to look like… I see a lot of happiness and laughter. I see myself in a marriage that is a true partnership. Not controlling each other, or fighting, but… being each other’s best friend. Telling each other everything and supporting each other. I see myself continuing to work and travel. I want my kids to travel with me. I see myself being someone who doesn’t put work first. I’d enjoy the challenge of work, but always putting my family first. That’s an area I know I need to work on.
I don’t think my life will be picture perfect. I think there will be some hard times. But I’ll be with a partner who can dance in the rain with me. Someone who no matter what, we can depend on each other and make each other laugh. I need someone who is going to challenge me. I need to be someone who is… just completely in love with herself, her life, and in her marriage. I don’t ever want to be in an unhappy marriage or doubting my marriage. When I picture that life, it feels so damn close but at the same time I just… don’t know how to get there.