Taking some time away from everything… I figured out some stuff. My main hesitation that I have with Davide is… is he going to support and encourage my growth?
He loves who I am right now. Yet he seems to want to control me and doesn’t seem focused on his own growth.
Thing is, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been because growing is my main focus. I push myself daily in the gym. I push myself mentally. I wake up every day excited about the day ahead of me. I look and feel incredible, because I’m putting myself first. That isn’t going to change. I’m not giving that up.
I feel like I’m growing and pushing the limits of everything I thought was possible for my life. And I feel like… Davide is frustrated with his life and has made my growth and our relationship his main goals. Then gets frustrated when it’s not moving forward exactly how he wants, so he tries to control me.
If I’m being gut wrenchingly honest…. our relationship right now is just not working for me. This wasn’t the relationship I was in a few months ago. This isn’t the carefree guy that danced in the pouring rain with me. Or the guy who chased me down and proposed to me under fireworks. To him it’s all about a wedding and not about the actual marriage. I can’t do that.
I also don’t know how to approach all of this and not totally hurt him or demotivate him. I think that what we’re going through… the funk he’s in right now… I think there is something deeper going on and we need to figure out the root cause there.
My honest opinion is… he needs to not make his happiness dependent on a piece of paper. I can’t make him happy, he has to do that. He needs to focus on living his best life. And then we can see if we work together. But it’s not my job to make sure he’s happy. My whole life… I’ve made everyone else happiness my whole job… and I was miserable. I’m not slipping into that again.
Having the tough talk
He was pretty grumpy about some other stuff going on. But we were finally home alone and he was sitting on the couch, so I came and sat on his lap.
“Hey” I said smiling at him.
“Hi” he said a little surprised.
“Sooo you like totally missed me.” I said poking him.
“I did.” he said caressing my cheek.
I rubbed our noses together. “I had fun! Can I tell you about it?”
“What is that for?” I asked
“I’m glad you had fun but don’t want to hear about the amazing time you had when you left me behind.” he said passive aggressively.
Those words hurt. I took a deep breath. If Davide has a problem with me trying to become a better version of myself and be as happy as possible… then I need to question if he should be taking a front seat in my life. But anger like that comes from pain… so I need to figure out what the hell is going on in his head.
“I don’t want to fight here… but it worries me that you can’t just be happy for me when good things are happening in my life.” I said carefully.
He didn’t say anything. So I just rested my head on his shoulder and cuddled into his chest. Finally he broke the silence.
“You’re right. I want you to be happy. I love seeing you happy. I’m just being grumpy because it hurts me to be away from you and you seem to thrive when you’re away from me.” he said and then kissed my forehead
“What would make you happy?” I asked
“You being my wife already.” he said aggressively.
My voice got softer, I don’t want to hurt him… but this needed to be said.
“I mean outside of me and our relationship. Think about it… marrying me is not going to actually change anything in our day to day life. You’ll still sleep next to me. We’ll still live together. Right now you have me right next to you and you’re not happy. That’s a red flag. A piece of paper isn’t going to change your longterm happiness.”
He didn’t react well to that… and we started bickering.
I had to bring the conversation back… so I said,
“Okay I don’t know what it is you’re hearing, but the conversation I’m trying to have is how we can both be happy. This is not a breakup conversation. I’m not giving up. I’m just trying to understand you better.”
He got quiet again.
“Reading books, listening to podcasts, working out, surfing, and work make me happy. My friends make me happy. You make me happy. Cuddling Cliff makes me happy. So what makes you happy?” I asked.
“Morning sex. You. Cliff.” he said simply
“Okay when you were home in Positano what made you happy there?” I asked.
“My family. Being on the boat. I don’t think I belong here.” he said
“Belong with me or like here as in The OC?” I asked
“I belong with you. I don’t fit in here in OC.” his voice sounded hurt.
“Your friends are cool, but they’re all really ambitious like you. I don’t have a lot in common with them. I can’t work here yet. I miss being able to express myself freely in my own language. The main thing that makes me happy here… is you. You are just the sunshine of my life.”
My friends are ambitious because I want to surround myself with people who make me grow and inspire me. That can be tough to walk into though. At the same time, I’m not going to lower my standard for the types of friends I have… just to make him feel more comfortable.
“Okay, now we’re getting somewhere… that makes a lot of sense. I don’t feel like I belong here either. People here… can be superficial. You know that I’m open to moving. Thing is, you see how I am every day. Between the gym, work, and just life. I keep busy. No matter where we go… that’s not going to change. I need to keep growing and moving.
The question that is tripping me up though, is… ‘If we keep up what we’re doing right now… are we going to be as close as we are right now in two months? Two years? Five years?’ what do you think?”
“No. I don’t think we will be.” he said softly
“Yeah, I don’t think so either. And that’s what is really holding me back from marrying you. I don’t want to be in our relationship just because of the great sex and because I like who you are as a person. I want to be in a relationship with my life partner. I want each of us to focus on our own happiness and always be growing and pushing each other. I don’t want to be in a relationship just because it’s a habit.” I took a deep breath and continued…
“The way I see it… I plan on continuing to grow. Every single day. I can’t make it my job to make you be happy. Your growth and happiness can’t depend on me. I need for you to focus on being happy and bringing your best self to our relationship. So let’s figure out how we can grow together. Because I feel like if we can’t grow together then I think in two months or two years, we’re not going to be in a happy place. And we need to pause our engagement until we’ve figured that out.”
He didn’t react well to all of that. He was upset and it took awhile to get it out of him that he felt like I was saying he wasn’t good enough because he didn’t have a job. Which was not at all how I feel. I had to explain that it wasn’t about not being good enough, it was about being happy. It was wanting him to have passions and happiness outside of me. This isn’t about ending our relationship, it’s about trying to find a way to make sure we have the foundation to keep it working ten years from now. That seemed to click with him.
Finally he opened up that he missed being on a boat and loves dancing with me, and wants to get better at that.
So we decided we’d figure out a way to get him on a boat. And then reached out to the friend that I had learned how to do the two step swing from. So Davide could take lessons.
I actually was really excited about that. I loooove to dance. Davide and I salsa really well together. But lately I’ve been really into the Two Step Swing. I have a background in swing dancing, so it combined the love of that with country music and I’m 😍. Davide learning how to do all the cool dips, lifts, and tricks would be amaaaazing. So sexy.
Thoughts on that big conversation
It was really hard on both of us.
Hard for me to say… hard for him to hear… hard to keep us focused on tackling the issue and not get lost in arguing.
It killed him, that I was pausing our engagement but he was still kind and understanding. He kissed me so hard and told me that engaged or not, he loved me. I was still The One for him, and we were going to get through this together and I was going to be his wife. I have no doubt in my mind that Davide loves me and after that hard conversation… I have more respect for the kind of man he is. He has an amazing heart and if we can find a way to grow together… I think we can get through this.
I read this quote that said, “Mediocre people pull great people back to a mediocre life.” To me it means that sometimes you can get caught up in a life that is less than what you really want but you stay that way… because of someone you love. Is that really love though?
At the end of the day… my fear is a mediocre life. I want an amazing life. I’m not talking about money or any material possessions. I’m talking belly laughs and butterflies. I’m talking deep conversations about life, love, and hope. I’m talking about a true partnership with the person who I can tell anything to. I’m talking tackling large goals together. Which means being willing to grow every day. To be uncomfortable. To try new things. To not let anyone knock us off course.
Why would I want to be in a relationship that is not good? Or just okay? Even a mostly good relationship? Or a relationship founded in convenience or obligation? No, not for me. I want an amazing relationship with my soulmate filled to the brim with all of the happiness in the world. If this isn’t or can’t be that relationship… that’s okay. I know I’ll find it eventually. I just need to put things on hold until I know with 100% certainty that this is that relationship.
The way I see it, is Davide and I can either make a choice to grow with each other or to grow apart. Either way, I’m not static. I’m not staying as who I am in this moment. I’m going to keep pushing myself. I wanted to see how he reacted to that. He seemed to accept it and at the end, work towards a way we could do that together.
Overall, I felt like it was a really great conversation with Davide, I walked away understanding him better. Respecting him more.
So I took Cliff and my surf board and headed to the beach for my usual Friday sunset surf session. Cliff is a total beach dog, loves the sand and playing in it. He’s so good about sitting on my beach towel and watching me surf. I get some of my best thinking done on beach days with Cliff.
This afternoon… I was thinking about how you can tell a lot about a man when you challenge him. When you ask the tough questions… or say the hard things, but do it from a place of love… how do they react? Do they try to understand and fix it together? Do they become defensive and divisive? You can learn way more about the heart of a man when you say the things you know they don’t want to hear… that’s the time they say how they really truly feel. You learn nothing when you listen to just the things they say when they want to get in your pants.
Tough Conversation with Nate
If I’m being honest… I have been holding back from really asking Nate some stuff because I feared what the answer would be and how he’d react. I saw something a few weeks ago and I’ve had questions about it since. So I asked him a question that has been in the back of my mind for weeks and then I went into the ocean and surfed my heart out.
My soul felt… heavy. Fearing the answer that was waiting for me back on the shore. I tried to focus on the ocean. I found myself praying. I don’t really talk about my faith too much on here… because it’s a really hard subject for me to explain and it’s surrounded by so much hurt over organized religion. But I do believe that there is a higher power out there.
Sometimes I imagine God looking down at me and smiling, because he obviously has a sense of humor and thinks “Gosh, that Monica… she sure is a fierce funny little thing who likes to get herself into trouble.” Well I poured my little heart to God. Tears and all. I told him how I’m trying to do my best right now, by everyone. I just feel so lost. I think God… who knows everything that I’ve been through, I think He wants me to be with my soulmate whoever that is. I just need a sign.
By the time I made it back to the shore… I felt stronger. I know I’m on the right path with my life. I can tell because I’ve never been happier. I love Nate, I do. But it’s also entirely possible that he’s not the one for me, that he doesn’t feel the way I do, and that’s okay. I laid on my towel and replied back to Nate.
Here is the thing… I didn’t ask the question to start shit or try and force him into something. I asked the question because we used to be able to talk about the hard stuff with each other. I used to be able to tell him anything and he used to be able to tell me anything. When I realized that this question has been in the back of my mind for weeks… and the reason I haven’t asked it was because I felt like I couldn’t… I realized that maybe this isn’t what it once was. If we aren’t able to talk like that anymore… then I don’t know if I’m going to be interested in this much longer.
The main thing that I got from his response is that he feels pressured and to me it feels like… I can’t have real conversations with him anymore, without him feeling pressured. I had told him that he doesn’t owe me anything. I don’t know how to make it more low pressure.
The frustrated/angry side of me feels like he can ask about Davide, but doesn’t want me asking about his relationship? Fuck that. I don’t go into shit blind. I don’t put myself in a bad position. If that makes him feel “pressured”, then by all means, just fucking end it with me dude. Don’t feel any pressure. Why am I supposed to make all of these efforts? Why should I at this point? Yeah, I like him but I’m also not an idiot. I don’t just walk into a situation like this blind. I also don’t get treated this way.
I think… I think I got my heart too involved and it was a bad idea. This is starting to feel like I’m wasting my time. Which feels like pressure to him. And that frustrates the hell out of me. It makes me wonder if I want to deal with this any more.
I sat there staring at the waves, trying to figure it out. How I ended up here. The things that he said that made me fall for him. Like how he said he felt about me… I’m not sure if it changed… or we were just mistaken.
He used to say things like I was his soulmate, he loved me, he knew I was The One, he wanted me to be his wife & mother of his kids, wants me, chooses me, and that he compares everything about me to her and I win. That he couldn’t marry someone else knowing I was out there.
Those words made me believe that there was a shot for us, in all of this. Those words made all of this bullshit.. seem worth the risk. Because those words meant it was more than just sexual chemistry. Only those words are gone now. He doesn’t say those things anymore.. and well, neither do I. Out of fear. He wants everything to be “natural” and “no pressure”. Does that make all the things he said… lies? Or just things he never truly meant?
I read “no pressure” as him not really being in this and then I feel not so into this. This has been a sticking point for me about us: I feel like I’m out on a limb by myself and at this point… it’s gotten old. We’re both in other relationships… and yet our hearts are involved with each other… or at least my heart is involved… of course there is pressure. We’re ENGAGED to marry other people. If either of us is taking that seriously, how could this possibly be no pressure and natural? No pressure is just… being friends. If he wants no pressure, this is a huge signal that he just wants to be friends with me. If so… Okay… that’s a different conversation and not something I’m wasting my time to fly out for. I already have plenty of friends.
Either way I’m frustrated. With him… with the situation… with all of it. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here… I know he’s a good person. Nate is someone I completely adore and respect. I genuinely believe he’s the best guy I’ve ever met. Yet it’s starting to feel like he’s just playing with me. With him I completely doubt his feelings for me when he says shit like this. I start to think that he never meant any of those things, or maybe just got carried away and didn’t realize at the time he didn’t mean it. And ya know what? That’s totally genuinely okay. That happens. Feelings change. It’s going to hurt but let’s call it for what it is… and move on.
We used to be able to talk about anything and everything. That’s why I felt like he was my soulmate. Now I feel like I can’t ask a question without him getting on the defensive. I can’t have those deep conversations like we used to… without him feeling pressured. And if I can’t really talk to him, what the hell is the point of this? That’s not what I want at all.
He feels like my situation with Davide is putting pressure on us. And that frustrates the hell out of me… yeah I’m in a tough situation with Davide. But I have been so fucking protective of Nate. Of us. Of trying to rearrange shit so there isn’t pressure on him. Going back on my word and decisions I’ve made with Davide, when I thought Nate and I were over then suddenly we weren’t. That’s not easy and I get no credit for it. It’s like… it’s not enough. Will it ever be enough? Nate has no idea what’s really going on with Davide right now and that’s how I want it. Those things are happening not because of Nate, but because that’s genuinely what I need in order to commit to forever with Davide. I don’t want Nate feeling pressured or concerned about any of that.
At this moment… I’m just over it. I’m emotionally exhausted. I can’t keep letting him have this hold on my heart if this is how he’s going to behave. He owes me nothing. Why am I taking a stupid risk to be treated like this? I don’t like it when I feel like my emotions are just getting played with. Like I’m expected to make all of these grand gestures and fly out there… for what? Just a good buddy? Or a good fuck in a low pressure situation? Of course he wants to fuck me but I’m not just a piece of ass, and if I was why did I let my heart get involved? In a normal scenario… I’d be out of there so fast it’d make the guys head spin. And that’s what my gut is telling me to do right now, to never speak to him again. I’m not some toy. I don’t waste my time. I promised him I wouldn’t do that to him though.
I believed in him and in us, sooo damn much. I wanted him. I wanted us. I wanted the soulmate who I fell in love with. But what I fell for… doesn’t feel like it’s there anymore. He doesn’t say those things anymore. Maybe because it isn’t really love? If I just wanted to fuck someone with no strings in a low pressure situation, I could do that easily with much less stress and inconvenience. That’s not what I want. That’s not who I am. So what the hell am I doing with him? Why am I wasting my valuable time? I have a million other things I could be doing. I did this at first because I thought we’d be worth it but what he wants from me right now… it’s not worth it to me. And I’m sitting here reevaluating it all because I’m starting to lose interest in him and this. I don’t want surface-level. I’m over it, to me it’s so much more than sex. Maybe we should just be friends and call it for what it was… close, but not enough. Maybe I was just this lapse in judgment and not actual soulmate/love.