Twenty years from now I want to be able to say that I chose my life, that I didn’t settle for it.
It’s something that I can’t help but think about as I go through this really confusing season, trying to figure out my heart and well… my life. I’m trying to have that perspective guide the decisions I make here. Do I really want to play this safe? Or do I want to play this right?
It’s so crazy to me, when I think about exactly where I was a year ago. I was in a 10yr relationship with the wrong guy that I loved more than anything at the time… I thought he was my whole future and I loved him more than I loved myself. Which was a huge mistake.
For the longest time… I would hold back with him. I’d always keep a foot out of our relationship. We were struggling… so so hard. I look back on that time, and I know in my heart that the reason for that was because I was settling for a life that just wasn’t meant for me. I was settling for a guy who just didn’t truly love me and accept me. We were all wrong. And I don’t ever want to make that same mistake again.
If that was me then… Where will I be a year from now? The possibilities seem endless…
While that was a hell of a painful process, the main lesson I learned was that I can’t make decisions, especially with matters of the heart… based off of how I feel today and who I am today. I need to zoom out and look at it in the bigger picture. Am I going to love this person in ten years? Would I be proud to have a son that grows up and is exactly like this guy?
And in a phone call…
Today I’m kinda but not really engaged to Davide, yet I fell for someone else… Nate. After my last post… things were rockier than ever. I had just ended my engagement and gave back Davide my ring, so that we could really focus on making sure our foundation is solid before we get married.
Then I had a big question mark on where things were with Nate and how he really felt about me, and well… if we even had a future. Nate felt pressured and I felt hurt. When in reality, I think we’re both just frustrated and exhausted from it all.
I was definitely irritated with him and with myself. That doesn’t mean I was going to sit around and stew. So I just took some time, and just focused on myself. I went to the gym, took Cliff to the dog park, and met up with friends for lunch. It was a pretty good day.
Later that night I was getting ready to go meet some friends to grab some drinks in Laguna Beach. Nate called and we had a good conversation. Something I really appreciate about us… we could both be super frustrated with each other and life, yet we’re always upbeat and happy between him and I. Things never really feel negative, which is refreshing.
I told him how it wasn’t my intention to put him on the spot with my question or put pressure on him… I just missed being able to talk about the hard stuff. And how I got from his perspective just getting that text randomly out of nowhere… it was frustrating and hard to communicate.
Let’s be friends
We hung up on a good note. A few minutes later just as I was about to walk out the door, he called back again and said he had been thinking about it, and thought we should only be friends.
I agreed. I mean, what else am I going to do? I like him but what we’re doing right now isn’t working for either of us. I don’t view him as JUST a friend, but I’d rather have that than nothing at all. I’d rather know that this is just a friendship now… than be holding on for weeks/months etc.
Despite it being a difficult conversation to have… we left things really positive between us. We are both people who genuinely care about each other and who want to do the right thing here. So we hung up as friends.
I showed up to my plans for drinks with my friends. I honestly was just running on auto-pilot at the moment… I was okay, I just didn’t realize how much this meant to me. The conversation with Nate was a blow to the heart. The more I thought about it, the more I realized what a ripple affect this had on my life and all my plans. How much I had been wanting him. I felt lost and… hurt, frustrated, and disappointed.
I drank. I vented to my close friend, who is one of the very few people that I’ve told about all of this. She has been a source of sanity in all of the madness. Someone who didn’t judge me for how I was feeling. Someone who pushes back with what it must be like from his perspective, but she also just let me feel hurt.
Nate texted later about my trip to Hawaii. I told him I wasn’t going all the way to his island just for a friend. I don’t know how but we started bickering but basically he told me that he loved me, and I was his soulmate but he couldn’t leave his fiancé.
And that… felt like a knife to the heart. At that point… I just felt done.
We both believe we’re each other’s soulmates… but we are choosing other relationships? I was hurt, angry, confused and in so so much pain. I just sat there at this table with my friends… and I felt so damn far away. I didn’t want to be there. Didn’t want to be around anyone. I cut it off with him and was in the shittiest mood for the rest of the night. I did my best to smile and laugh, but I honestly just wasn’t feeling it.
I felt completely heartbroken. The realization that I’m in love with this guy and he’s going to marry someone else just tortured me. I felt… played. I felt like I genuinely loved this man and now my worst fear with him came true… I was in this all alone. How can this be love? How can he be my soulmate and be genuinely okay doing this? Maybe it wasn’t love after all! Maybe I was just a lapse in judgement. Just some stupid game.
I knew I couldn’t go home like this, drunk and heartbroken. Couldn’t show Davide how heartbroken I am, over someone else. That’d just be too fucked up. So I crashed at one of my friends houses and there I was… in someone elses bed, silently crying.
Nate was everything I’ve ever wanted. I fell in love with someone even though we both were engaged. It’s over and my heart is broken. We had decided that we’re better off as friends.
I just wasn’t enough. That’s where my head goes… to the countless ways I wasn’t good enough because that’s been the story of my life up to this point and it’s usually the easiest answer I can find. I just mentally beat myself up. I should’ve never done this. I knew better. How could I possibly think this would work out?
This man just completely wrecked my heart… and I knew he would from the start. We were both in an impossible situation. But how was I going to be his friend? How am I going to watch him marry his fiancé and genuinely be happy for him? I didn’t have a clue.
Worst timing ever
Davide’s sister and dad were scheduled to fly in the next day, Sunday. It was her birthday present and up until this point… I had been really looking forward to spending the week showing them around Southern California. Davide was super excited and looking forward to finally being able to express himself in Italian.
As I laid there in the middle of the night staring at the ceiling above my friends bed. She was fast asleep… and all I could think about was how was I going to get through this next day? I am so heartbroken. How am I going to act okay with Davide and his family?
Davide has asked me to put the engagement ring back on with his dad and sister flying in. They just wouldn’t be able to understand what we’re going through and it was easier if we kept them in the dark while we worked through our issues. This week is really important to him… so I agreed.
Now… the idea of having to put back on that ring. Having to smile. Having to act… hopelessly in love when inside my heart was completely wrecked?
I know I have a good poker face… but Nate affects me in ways I can’t explain. I wish I had a few days and some privacy to mope and be heartbroken. Instead, I was just going to have to jump into the actual moving on part.
The next morning was my only time to mope.
A made a playlist, played my guitar, worked out until my whole body was sore, and mostly just poured myself into work. Trying to find a way to forget that Nate is out there… existing.
I had been through one of the worst heart breaks ever, I know now that no matter what happens… I’ll get through it. You just gotta find what works for you. For me… that’s music, working out, and being near the ocean.
I didn’t want to, but it was time to move on. I had to. I have no other option here. We don’t get to always decide what happens to us. But we do get to decide what we’re going to do about it and how we’re going to feel.
I was going to have to find a way to forget that he was my soulmate. Find a way to be happy for him. I knew that was going to require a few months of space. Maybe with time… how I feel would lessen.
It doesn’t feel like it right now, but I know there has to be a silver lining in all of this. There has to be. I have no idea what it is right now… but I’ll find it eventually.
I’ve always always gotten along amazingly well with the parents and families of the guys I’ve dated.
I stayed with Davide in Positano for awhile over the Fall, and had really gotten close to his siblings and his parents. I genuinely love Davide’s family. But I feel like shit with everything going on between Davide and I right now.
I completely adore Davide’s sister. This whole trip is her birthday present. We’ve been texting for weeks about what she wanted to do while she was here. Their first night here, we took them to The Spectrum for some shopping and then a Speakeasy. California is a total different world from Positano and she’s never been near anything like this. We really get along great, and have a total blast with her, even gave her a surfing lesson.
For me, it’s hard because she is so excited about Davide and I. She wants me as her sister-in-law and views me that way already. And right now… my heart is broken and Davide and I are working through some stuff… and it’s just not easy. I can’t help but get attached to her… but then I feel like crap for acting like everything is fine.
Davide’s dad and I… we have a really cool bond. We pretty much did from the very very start. I find him funny and kind. He loves my cooking and respects my work ethic. I love to pester him with questions about how he grew up and how he runs his business. His dad and I could talk for hours.
Davide and his dad get along for the most part, and I know that Davide loves that I get along well with his family. But he doesn’t quite understand the bond that his dad and I have just yet. I don’t know if I understand it either. He often lends me his arm and we walk a few steps behind Davide and chat away. I think he’s just such a fascinating person and I really do love his dad. Genuinely. Like I want to just hug that man and be his best friend. I think Davide is so damn lucky to have him as a Father. He is a true romantic and quite the story teller. He’d do anything for his family. Sometimes I find myself looking at him… wishing I had a father like him.
Now I look at him and see my whole future playing out. Me married to Davide. Him as our kids grandfather. Even though I know I’d be lucky to have that life… something about that picture in my head, just feels wrong now. Maybe I’m more heartbroken then I know.