I’m not ready to write about things with Nate right now… he is just so close to my heart and I need some time to figure out what I’m doing there. But in a really short summary, the whole us being friends thing and not talking… didn’t last very long. We love each other… things are just as intense as ever. Lots for me to write about and figure out there… stay tuned.
This past week with Davide’s sister and dad have been amazing.. they fly out tomorrow. I think I’m really going to miss having them around.
His dad and I had a really deep heart to heart yesterday. Basically, he told me that he thinks I’m amazing and I’d be a dream daughter-in-law. He already sees me as part of their family. That he tells Davide how lucky he is, and to hold onto me. He loves Davide deeply, and even though he sees a lot of growth in Davide since he met me, he feels like he sees Davide struggling to keep up with me.
So he asked me how our relationship is really going. I didn’t tell him that I had paused our engagement… but I was honest in that we were struggling at the moment. That I loved him very very much… but the Visa and his desire to get married like now, it was hard on me. We talked about it a lot… his dad’s perspective is that the way I grew up, I had to work really really hard to get where I am. I’m motivated and really driven for that reason. Davide had a lot handed to him and still figuring out how to be completely independent.
If I’m being gut wrenchingly honest… sometimes Davide’s lack of motivation just kinda bugs me. Okay, you spend all day everyday hiking or at the beach, cool. But what about the things you’re passionate about? What about the things you say you want to do… you have the time to do it right now, why aren’t you? That feels so judgmental to me though. I am glad he gets to chill all day. I’m not jealous of it… I think I’d be bored out of my mind after a week of it. All I know is that ever since our big talk last week… he’s made huge efforts. He literally dances with me every second he can, practicing the moves he’s learning and spinning and dipping me. I know he’s trying to make this work and he is fighting for me… for us. I respect that.
His dad and his sister both tease him about being lazy while I work circles around him. And that perspective… has me thinking twice about how motivated he is. Maybe it’s not just me imagining it? Here is the thing… I know I’m only writing about the things I’m concerned about in our relationship, but overall our relationship is phenomenal. He is the sweetest and most thoughtful guy and we have so much fun together. I have never been so unconditionally loved like this before. He has made me the center of his whole world. He puts me above everything and everyone else. He’s given up so much, to make us work. I know without a doubt how he feels about me, which is something that isn’t easy for me with pretty much all men- I often question if these are just words they’re saying to get something from me. But I don’t ever question that with Davide… I know how intensely he feels for me, he makes sure I do.
Here is the complicated part of our relationship. Davide quit his job and left everything behind to be with me. His family is on the other side of the world. He can’t work here. So right now he is financially reliant on me.
To me it’s honestly not that big of a deal…I have to pay rent and everything anyways. It’s not like he’s this added financial burden or anything. He’s not. I love him. I love his company and how supportive he is. We have a great life together. But it’s just this added layer of complexity to our life together. I get being financially reliant on me is embarrassing to him and can feel emasculating. I don’t ever want to make him feel lesser than.
Money is literally just pieces of paper. Yeah, our society requires that you have some… but it means nothing in the bigger picture. I don’t ever want to hurt his feelings or ego because of it.
Since I’m not getting the Visa, Davide wants us to move to a large city in Italy, so he can get a “real job” where we can contribute and support us as well. He’s thinking Rome, it has a large airport and makes travel for my work less crazy. The time difference is going to be a battle for me, but it’s not so horrible I couldn’t make it work.
And like seriously… I love Rome. It is one of the coolest cities in the world. Looking at flats with him and thinking about what day to day life would look like there… it’s a dream. A complete dream. I love the history packed on those cobblestone streets. I love the people. I love that city. I know I’d be happy there. It’d be weird being on the other side of the world from my whole life, and the main question I have is I don’t know if I should be there… with Davide.
I love Davide, I do. I don’t want to give up on him after everything we’ve promised to each other. I used to be able to see myself marrying him… until Nate came into my life. That makes me feelings really complicated. At the end of the day I still know that what Davide and I have is real and amazing. I’m just not convinced that he’s my soulmate and yes I know that in a worst case scenario if I end everything with him, he could technically go home to his parents and they would be his support system. But that feels like such a shitty thing to do. I feel like… I feel like I’m kicking him out of the country by not getting a Visa with him.
Lately he has been really positive and supportive about my decision on holding off on the Visa and marriage. Rome is basically his answer to how we can stay together and next steps for him and our relationship. If I say no to Rome, then I’m kicking him out onto the street… I’ll be putting him in a horrible financial position, not to mention just completely crushing his heart. Buying him a plane ticket home to his parents, that feels like such a shitty thing to do. I’d feel like such a shitty human… and that’s not who I want to be. I get that we’re all responsible for ourselves. He is technically not my responsibility. But he is in the position he’s in… because of me. So I do feel responsible. I don’t want to hurt him.
I feel like I can’t say no to Rome, and I can’t help but smile when I think of being in Italy with Davide. My heart would be so happy. But at the same time… I’m in love with Nate. I want a life with Nate. I don’t think I can see myself marrying anyone else… if I know he’s out there. I just don’t know when it can happen. So what? Do I move to Rome, support Davide as he gets a job there and gets his feet back under him… and hope that in 6 months Nate will be ready to leave his fiancé? That feels like a shitty plan for my heart. I feel like I’m setting myself up for losing Nate and for holding onto something for 6 months just for it to fall apart. If that’s the case, I should probably just end it all with Nate right now. Just rip off the bandaid.
Do I leave Davide now? Send him packing as shitty as that’d feel… and what? Wait around until Nate is in a position to leave his relationship? If he does? That would drive me insane. There is no way I’m doing that. Throwing away a phenomenal relationship in hopes of a ‘What If’.
The question I keep asking myself is aren’t I already being a shitty human for feeling the way I do about someone else, when I fall asleep in Davide’s arms? He has my body right now… but Nate is the one that’s under each inch of my skin. If I’m not able to love Davide the way I love Nate… doesn’t he deserve to be with someone who does?
Also there is the added complexity of Nate and his relationship. I love this guy. But do I want him to leave his fiancé for me? Selfishly… I hate to admit that I do. I want him for myself. But I don’t want to be that person… I don’t want her to get hurt. I’ve been there… I know what that feels like. Nate loves her and is happy with his life. So if it came down to it and I had a choice between him breaking my heart or hers… I’d choose mine. She doesn’t deserve that. Why can’t I just let him go? I tell myself he is just a guy. That I have the same chemistry with Davide. But that’s a lie… he’s not just a guy. He’s my soulmate, I know this in the deepest parts of my heart and soul and I don’t want to ever let him go. Which is so fucked up.
The question I ask myself about Nate is, is this just a matter of this being the wrong time for us? Or are we just wrong for each other? I feel like when it’s the right person you take the chance, they choose you just as confidently as you choose them. I genuinely respect Nate for how much he cares about his fiancé and not putting her in a bad position. At the same time, it’s kinda a hard pill to swallow knowing he’s putting that ahead of what we could be. Ahead of me. That’s a hard thing for me to wrap my head around, because… I don’t want him to hurt her. I don’t want to hurt her. I’d rather get hurt. But at the same time… the reality of it all… it’s not easy on my heart.
I love Davide, and while we’re not perfect and even though we have been going through rough patches recently… we are pretty amazing together. I like like we’re focusing on getting the foundation of our relationship as solid as possible. Would I marry him if Nate was not a factor/option? Most likely. We have a ton of fun together and are completely aligned in life and goals. Our sex life is insanely great. He treats me incredibly well and makes a huge effort with my family. If he can grow with me… then yeah, I’d be all in. Thing is… Nate IS a factor… and I can’t see myself marrying anyone else right now but my heart is so tied up in him. That is how much he affects me. If it ends with Nate… maybe one day that feeling will go away. I just doubt it. But if that door closed forever, I know I’d find a way to move on. I’d make it work. I just don’t want to do that… if I can help it.
I feel like there is no real way out of this… no matter which direction I look in. I feel hopeless.
Today is a Big Day…
I come from a really religious family. They’re a form of Christianity, but the only holiday they celebrate all year long, is today. It’s as important to them as Christmas is to most families.
For the longest time…. all I wanted was to make my parents proud of me. All I wanted was their approval. I used to think if I was the perfect daughter, I’d finally get it.
For majority of my life, I’ve tried to fit in their religion. To be extremely good… but that just wasn’t me. I even used to do full time ministry work in the church. Which was kinda prestigious in that world. I juggled being a full time Bible teach on top of working my full time job. I knew my shit well. I was good at teaching people about the Bible, connecting it to history, to artifacts in museums, connecting it to how it impacts their daily life, I genuinely cared, and was super nonjudgemental. So I had a lot of incredible students for that reason.
I lived most of my life up to these high moral standards but it felt impossible to do it allll the time. I tried. I failed. I tried so hard to be the perfect daughter and it was never enough for my parents. On top of that… I was miserable being someone I wasn’t meant to be. So I stopped doing that ministry work years ago.
I ended up getting shunned from their religion and everyone in it… in one of the most embarrassing ways. I am not perfect. I’m far from it. I have a lot of morals… problem is I’m also really really sexual and I just couldn’t live up to the standard of only having sex in marriage.
So when I got shunned and all of that blew up in my face… it was especially bad because I used to be in that full time ministry work. People just hold you to a higher standard. Which just made the gossip about me… out of control. It still hurts that people I considered friends… did that to me. I’m not angry about it… we all have our faults, but it just hurt a lot.
Last year, I celebrated this holiday with my parents before everything blew up… I did the whole big happy family thing. This year… I’m struggling because I don’t want to go. I’m embarrassed. I don’t want to walk into a room where no one is going to speak to me, but they’ll all be whispering about me and why I got in trouble. Call it pride. Or even vanity. I just don’t want to do it.
I strongly believe that there is a Creator out there and that he genuinely loves me. I want to do what’s right. I will do my best for him… always. But I’m not convinced that he wants me to go tonight. My family is. This one night means sooo much to them. To them, me not being there is me 100% turning my back on God, even if that’s not what it is. I just hate that pressure.
What if this one gesture just makes dealing with my parents easier for the whole year. Should I do it? I don’t know. Davide thinks I should and wants to go… I just feel so cornered in to this whole situation. Davide, his dad, and his sister all want to go… and I feel weird going to a big family dinner all together with how my heart is feeling right now.
The idea of facing all of that and those people in front of Davide and his family… that’s really hard on my heart. It’s just the situation I’m in… I’m cornered. So I guess it’s just what I have to do.