I have a lot to write about in this one… about where I’m headed next and all of the crazy twists and turns along the way.
Holiday with the family
So I went to the big church event, to be supportive. It was incredibly hard on my heart, on just… everything. So many memories flooded back to me. It was weird being there with Davide and his family, seeing all of my friends… people who haven’t talked me since I got shunned.
It was hard because my parents were showing off “Monica’s new fiancé” to everyone… and I just… felt so damn exhausted. Things between Davide and I are great right now. But lying to his family and my family about still being engaged while we figure everything out… knowing that in my heart I’m in love with someone else. It was just a really really rough night on me emotionally. To be back there, surrounded by all my old friends- wishing I could desperately talk to them. and feeling like a phoney.
I thought a lot about the path that I’m currently on. How excited my family is about Davide and the engagement. To them… the sooner I’m married, the sooner I’m no longer “living in sin” aka having sex unmarried. The better off I am, and sooner I can come back to the religion. I’m always going to be respectful of their beliefs and the church… but I’m not coming back. And if I really do end up walking away from my relationship with Davide for Nate… they’re going to be pretty hurt and upset. This is my second engagement (that they know of).
So last I wrote… Nate called and wanted to be friends. We left things in a pretty positive place, but it broke down quickly when he told me he was not going to leave his fiancé, he loves me and I’m his soulmate but he can’t leave her. That broke my heart and I wasn’t very rational. I told him I was going to need a couple of months of space to get to a place where I can be friends again. Then I cut it off.
He never stopped trying, which I really respected. He told me he wanted forever with me, that he loved me, that I was the one for him.
There was this one phone call with him… and I have just never felt so emotionally torn in my life. My heart was pounding in my chest when he told me that he understood that I wanted to get over him, but he’s in love with me. I basically said… well if you’re not leaving your fiancé there is no point to this. He said he needed me, he chose me. He wants to marry me. We have to find a way. The heart of the “just friends” thing was to buy us both some time because he can’t physically leave his fiancé right now… it’d put her in a crazy bad position. Considering everything I’m going through with Davide… I get it. I’m not thrilled about it, but I respect the fact that he wants to be a good guy and make sure he’s not leaving her in a horrible position.
I love him. The idea of him marrying his fiancé… it makes me physically sick to my stomach. I know this is hard, but this guy is just my freaking soulmate. I want him. I had no idea how we’re going to make it work, but we both agreed we wouldn’t stop trying. So we didn’t stop trying. Meanwhile, over that next week I focused on Davide’s family being in town and Davide, but Nate and I were in a good place.
The Nate roller coaster wasn’t over though. I was having a really rough week with the Holiday and my parents… I felt emotional and guilty for feeling how I do about him.
Then one day when we were trying to figure out how to make this work, he said something along the lines of “there is no way right now to be together”. To me… if there is no way for us to make this work, then I need to stop doing what we’re doing and move on. Because there is no way I’m going to break Davide’s heart or cheat on him… for something that has no point. I took some space to just calm down from an emotional weekend and figure out my life.
Meanwhile… I tried to focus on my relationship was Davide. Like I wrote in my last post, we finally had the house to ourselves again and all the stuff with Rome came up… I needed to make a lot of decisions. So I just took a day to figure out what was best for me.
Ultimately I decided that I love Davide. That he needs my support in Rome, and it feels like a good move for my heart. So I can commit to a few months in Rome with him.
Then later Nate and I talked more and he figured out that it was less of a “there is no way right now to be together” and more of a situation where he needs until the summer. Look, I love this guy. I get this is a rollercoaster… it’s an emotional rollercoaster for me. But he is worth it. I know it in my gut. And if I don’t take a chance on him I’m going to spend the rest of my life wondering “what if”. I don’t want to do that.
So my plan was… I focus on the travels I have going on right now, and then I go to Italy with Davide. When and if Nate is ready, we’ll face that together and figure it out. But this will give us both some time to support our current partners and get them to a better place.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans
I got a call yesterday from my family in Kauai. My aunt over there… she just found out that she has Stage 3 Ovian cancer. Her body is too weak for surgery. So they’re putting her on chemo. Things do not look good.
I used to co-own a store with my aunt. It’s all fallen to shit now… but the store is still going and they need someone around to manage it, so she can focus on chemo.
My heart felt torn. I love my aunt… like out of everyone in the family, she reminds me most of my Grandma. Her mannerisms… are just exactly like my Grandma’s. My Grandma passed years back, and she was just… she was my heart. I loved that woman like you wouldn’t believe. She was really the only real Grand parent I had. But on the other hand, what does this mean for Davide and I.
I had done this once before…. with my ex Josh. There was a family emergency and I flew in and took over the store. it was the beginning of our relationship and it honestly almost broke us. I look back now and can honestly say I wish I never came back… wish we never got back together. Oh well, different story. Back to the point…
I talked to Davide and about it all. He just held me and laid in bed cuddling… trying to figure out what to do. What it all meant for our relationship. Finally Davide said, “Go back to Kauai. Family comes first. We’ll figure out us another way.” Davide loves my aunt and I know this is like the ultimate sacrifice. So now I’m packing up my life to go back to Kauai.