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Currently in Hawaii

I have been planning this week for months and months. I’ve busted my ass to pull off a meetup in Hawaii within budget. Which is not easy with 30~ people attending.

Then for this to coincide with me temporarily moving to Hawaii, Davide going back to Italy, and having to pack up my life… gosh… it’s been an intense week.

Work-wise I’m kicking ass, but I’m nervous. Someone from the board of our company is attending… and he’s like this guy that books are written about. He’s legendary. He’s brilliant and the fact that our team is going to get access to him… I’m SO excited. It’s going to be impactful for the work we’re doing.

As a leader… I find myself pausing and really getting myself to a good mental space to set the tone for this week. Making sure I’m bringing the right energy. Am I asking the right questions? I feel so emotionally spread thin, but everything I do this week will impact the next year ahead. I have to dig deep and make every moment count.

I had been thinking about How I wanted to approach our first night together as a team. What I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it… pretty much my whole flight. I gave a little speech, in hopes of setting the tone for the work and showing gratitude for the week ahead of us. To show genuine appreciation for each member of the team and I knocked it out of the park. I had several team members crying. It was the extra push that we needed.

I don’t know if it’s just a woman management thing, but it’s like everyone has an opinion on what I do. I don’t really give a shit, but this week was kinda annoying. I keep being told I’m too “nice”. Usually I say something like “I’ve come to realize that it is possible to be nice and strong. They’re not mutually exclusive. Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.” I’m not going to be an asshole. I’m just not. Its not who I’ve ever been or who I want to be.

I think it’s harder to be a nice person who gives a shit about the people I work with than it is to be this asshole who just doesn’t care. I earn the respect of my team. I prove to them that they can bring me the hard problems and I’ll fight for a way to fix them. It would be way easier for me if so didn’t foster that relationship with them. But I think it’s part of the reason this team can do the things no one else can. It’s hard because not a ton of people get that and everyone has an opinion. But I’m not going to be anyone else but me.

I also got 4 more women on my team over the past 3 months. I’m so excited to have them. But I feel like the women on my team require a different energy from me, than the men. Not in a bad way… but with the guys I can be a tough coach and encourage them to push harder. With the women, I feel like each in their own different ways need nurturing from me. Conversations about why they think they’re not good enough. Where they see their career going and me encouraging them to aim higher. To believe in themselves. It pays off with them, it’s just hard for me to scale with so many people of my team. Honestly though, working and mentoring other women is what drives me. I looove it. I just feel like I’m wearing too many hats this week.

I know I’m rocking my job. Right now on weeks like this work can feel all consuming because all of us in one location means realllllly soaking up every minute together. But we’re knocking this out of the park. This has been so impactful.

Now Davide and I have a 12hr time difference between us… and let me tell you, it feels like hell right now. I hate missing his calls. Ducking out onto the balcony just to talk to him for a few minutes.

This distance from him… I wasn’t expecting to feel the way I do right now. Like it actually hurts my heart. Despite the distance he’s really attentive. Stays up all night just to get a chance to talk to me. He’s putting in so much effort to make this work and that is so attractive to me. With him… I never feel like I’m on the back burner. I feel… wanted, needed, and valued. Which is important to me. I call him when I’m done for the night and we chat about our days and I tell him all about the team dynamics. I miss having him around and falling asleep in his arms. I wish he was here right now.

Things with Nate… they’re okay. Not great… we’re both crazy busy. I don’t really hear from him. It feels like it’s fizzling out. I’m painfully aware of the days when the silence between us grows. I know we’re busy people. I think it’s harder for me right now because my imagination goes wild. Like to the things he’s doing with his fiancé. Usually it’s okay because I’m with Davide… but now that I’m not having sex it’s more emotional for me. It’s just difficult and I feel… hurt. For no good reason. I know it doesn’t make sense and I hate feeling irrational. So I’m just over it and keep my distance until I’m just in a better place. I’m exhausted from my feelings… exhausted from caring so much.

We’ve been here before. I know logically how he feels. I know we have a plan. I know that how I’m feeling right now is irrational. So I’m just keeping to myself. I’ve tried to end it with him enough times now to know that this connection between us is STRONG. I trust that we’ll find a way through it. It’ll get better, it’s just harder than usual at the moment.

I put back on the engagement ring. It’s kinda difficult to explain the reasons why and what it means to me. I will eventually. But Davide and I talked about it extensively. And it’s weird… but the ring makes me feel more connected to him even when he’s on the other side of the world.

Davide FaceTimed earlier and my team passed around my phone and chatted with him. It was cute. I love that he’s so involved with my life even with our busy schedules and him being on the other side of the world, we’re kinda closer than ever.

I wish I could freeze frame days like today. Where I’m surrounded by my team. Where we just jive so well and then laugh so hard I can’t hardly breathe. Life is good right now. Sooo soo good. I feel so damn blessed.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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