Shooting, Shots, and Bikinis

My meetup in Hawaii is almost over, which I’m actually really bummed about and super excited about.

I’m bummed because I love being around most of my coworkers. We only see each other twice a year, even though we work together every single day. I actually really respect and adore almost everyone on my team.

I’m exhausted from the small percentage of the team, that just requires so much out of me. So much emotional support, me wrangling how they interrupt everyone else, and get super picky or rude to restaurant staff. That’s something that is a huge pet peeve of mine, being rude to any service staff will piss me off easily. Everyone deserves to be treated with nothing but respect.

I’m pretty exhausted… mentally and emotionally. It’s hard being on a trip with my team, because while it’s a fun week for everyone else- I never get to stop working. I wake up early around 6am just to get some gym time and an hour to myself before the madness starts. Then I hit the floor running. Every break we take, including lunch- I don’t really get a break because I’m still trying to have in-person 1:1’s with everyone. Figure out how they’re really doing, hear what they think about what we’re working on. Where I can improve. This means on a good day I’m done with work around 10pm. But a typical day has me done by 1 or 2am.

The men on my team are pretty great. I’m not supposed to have favorites- I really aim to treat everyone fairly, but it just worked out that after lunch I ended up at the shooting range with the guys I’m closest to. We paired off and had our 1:1’s. Had some super productive conversations about their thoughts on where we’re headed as a team and what they want me to keep in mind. I did pretty damn good for my first time at a shooting range. Chris who is the most badass out of all of them, declared me the coolest boss ever and a damn good shot. Which officially makes me a cool kid lol.

Then after work, one of the newer guys on my team just needed to talk. So we went and sat by the pool. He really opened up to me and ended up breaking down crying. It was super good that we had that talk. But really addressing all of his feelings and giving him some coaching, it took a lot out fo me.

For dinner we went to this sushi place and the whole table surprised me a saki bomb. So I surprised them with a round of saki bombs for the table. We made friends with a table across the room and all did our sale bomb chants together. We had sooo much fun, crying laughing and eating sushi. It was my favorite dinner so far. We walked back pretty drunk, just laughing and joking around.

My big fear going into this week was that my team would put up a wall and treat me as “the boss” at all times. I hate that wall that sometimes goes up. Like that silence that settles into the room when the boss walks in? When they don’t really let down their walls and tell me what they really think because they’re scared of what to say. Thankfully having shots every night with them has helped make sure that doesn’t happen. lol. It’s a hard balance to keep, making sure we keep it respectful but still as casual as we can. They make it as easy as they can on me- I know they respect me. I don’t feel challenged at all there. I just respect them a ton too and don’t see why we can’t all hang and drink, so we do.

The thing that I find myself repeating is that my job title literally means nothing to me. I have no ego invested in it. What I really care about is that we’re a strong team, that we get the hard work done, and I care about them and their careers. That’s what matters to me. So if something is wrong or broken, I want to know about it- so we can fix it. If I’m doing something wrong and making it harder- tell me.

I think the most awkward part of the trip happened a few nights ago when a few of us went out pretty late. I went to the bar to buy us all a round, and this guy came onto me pretty strong and legit would not leave me alone. Even though I’m wearing my engagement ring. I can very much handle myself. This guy was just the drunk and stupid variety. Which usually give up after you become majorly bitchy.

The guys on my team are extremely protective of me, so before I could diffuse the situation- Marcus stomps over to make sure I’m okay and tells the guy to leave me alone, which just made it all get worse. This guy was military so one of his buddies came over- which then meant 3 more of my teammates came over. And I am not having my team get in a bar fight over me. It got heated, thankfully I got in the middle, offered to buy the guy a beer for the misunderstanding and was able to calm it down.

It all ended without any fists being thrown, but I was super frustrated.

Some of the people on my team aren’t from places where they aren’t used to that. This really is their first time traveling for work or just getting out of their area. So they’re a bit… overreactive. I get it. They’re not used to this world. I grew up in Southern California, a guy aggressively hitting on me at a bar is a typical Tuesday night, I can handle it. I like that they’re protective, it was just a shitty situation that got out of hand when it didn’t need to.

Also it’s embarrassing to me. I’m not the type of person that craves attention from random people. I’d really rather just fly under the radar at all times and do my own thing.

Or how we were on the beach snorkeling a few days ago and I’m in the water knee deep talking with Charlie about this new idea he has. When this girl comes up to me and asked me how much my fake tits costs. She was catty as hell about it. When I told her that I don’t have fake tits, I’ve never had anyyy kind of surgery she just rolled her eyes and made a rude comment. Which just blows my mind, because why the hell tear down another woman? Like how does that get you any further in life or bring you joy?? But seriously, why the hell should I be defending ANY part of my body to anyone? Let alone while I’m talking with a coworker about work. Shit like that just gets under my skin sometimes, because it’s so fucking embarrassing.

It makes me feel like all other people see is my body and let me be clear here, I am DAMN proud of my body. I feel great and I’m proud of how I look, I work hard on it. But I work harder to be so much more than my looks. I want to be known for my brain, quick wit, and kindness. Not written off as a dumb surface-level chick because I have tits. It’d be one thing if I was wearing my usual bikinis, but on work trips I’m extra mindful of my body and covering wayyyy more than usual- even if we are swimming at the beach. I was in no way dressed in a way to emphasize any of that. So for another woman to be that way is fucked up.

Some of the other women on my team overheard the interaction and brought it up later when we were alone. We have a great vibe with the women on my team. Super supportive of each other. So it was nice to have an outlet to vent about that. To tell them how I fear that’s all people see about me. Than to hear them validate that they love my kindness and intelligence.

Charlie and I talked about Davide extensively. Since Davide was kinda an asshole the week that Charlie was in town and got us tickets to see his show and then we went to LA afterwards. It was the day Davide had an issue with everything I wore. Charlie isn’t a Davide fan. We were up late drinking one night, sat out on our rooftop patio and talked about the breakups we went through last year and the current state of our relationships. Been thinking about that conversation a lot lately and have a lot more to write there, but I gotta run and get back to work.

One more day and I head back to Kauai. I can’t wait.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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