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The night that didn’t want to end

It was our team’s last night together and I felt strangely emotional about it. Bummed that I’m not going to see them in person until September.

I went to my room to pack up and then went back up to the Penthouse to the most hilarious game of Heads Up. That turned into a screaming match. We did tequila shots and laughed until we cried.

Then me and 4 other team members laid on the couches out on the balcony looking up at the stars. Listening to music. Talking philosophy, hopes, dreams, and favorite places that we travelled. We wished on shooting stars we saw.

It was late and I couldn’t help but think that this moment with them was perfect. That I didn’t want us to leave. That I wanted to stay here in this moment with them. I was drunk and the world spun around me, but I didn’t even care. My heart was so so full. Our little team has become its own little family.

I was the only one that believes there is a God in that group. So we talked about my relationship with him and my beliefs. They talked about evolution and the Big Bang theory. A subject that I have studied intensely and love to talk about. I love it when you have faith in God people just naturally assume it’s blind faith. Helll no. Everything I believe in, I have studied hardcore and am convinced of.

Then the conversation shifted to our relationships. Everyone opened up in really unexpected ways. One persons 15 year marriage was on the edge of divorce. Another persons spouse was super jealous and resentful about out meetup. Another person admitted that his wife was jealous of me. Just random shit.

They asked me about Davide. What our relationship was like. I was honest that I loved him. But sometimes I wondered if he was my soulmate. Like am I really going to spend the next 50 years with him and do I want to?

Charlie blurted out that he felt like it I wasn’t his manager, he’d go after me. We were drunk, so I gave him a pass. All the guys chimed in with how much they respected me and felt like I was someone who deserved the very very best. I was the chilliest person ever. They thought Davide was great but just wanted me to be happy.

I told them about the truth about our engagement.

You see… Davide proposed in front of my whole team while we were all in Florida together. We all were at Disneyworld watching the Fireworks. After that all of them starting calling him Mr. Monica. They’ve been really invested from the start.

He spent the rest of that week hanging out and bonding with my team. Usually spouses and loved ones don’t come along to all Company events at meetup. But my team is different. They insisted on it. They made him a big part of our crew.

So if I came into this meetup week without my engagement ring… there would’ve been an uproar. Everyone would want details on what’s going on. They all were so involved with the engagement. And I’m super super close to some people on my team. I just knew… I wasn’t ready to break it to them that we’d taken a pause. Until now.

I confessed my doubts. Why I put our engagement on pause. I talked about it all. And I got nothing but support.

Nate called earlier in the night. And it’s like as soon as I hear his voice, I get sucked back in. Like everything about me reacts to him and my heart wants him. Lately, it’s been easier to focus on the day to day going on around me, than to think about him. The distraction has been helpful. We keep in touch… but it’s been super surface level. It’s not the deep stuff that made me fall for him. Even then… he’s someone I care about. I just don’t entirely believe anything is going to happen at this point between us. I’m not super broken up about it. I am disappointed, but I’m focusing on my life and it’s hard to be disappointed when my life is so full and I have Davide who is so incredible and attentive. I never doubt how he feels about me and our relationship. I have a lot to be thankful for. Then sometimes Nate has days like today… where he gets intense again and reminds me how he feels. It draws me back in, but then things go back to usual surface level stuff which I’m not really interested in. Makes me doubt the things he says when he’s intense… because things constantly swing so drastically with him. I know I don’t play the whole back burner side piece role very well. I don’t intend to. Whatever relationship I’m investing in, I’m sure as hell not some option and won’t be treated like one. So this… I question it a lot even if I do think Nate has a good heart and good intentions.

Overall it was an amazing night, we wrapped up the night by walking down to the beach around 3am and jumped into the ocean. Then we stayed up all night until it was time for my airport shuttle to pick me up at 5am.

I’m completely exhausted from this week. But I wouldn’t change one thing about the people that I work with. I’m just ready to go home to Kauai. My magical island.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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