Back on my magical island

I was so out of it when the plane landed in Kauai. I had been up all night and was still a little drunk from all of the whiskey.

I always get the same feeling whenever I look out the plane’s window… the deep “I am home” kinda feeling. My heart felt full.

I ended up being on the same flight as Tot’s husband’s uncle. Who is this hilarious fireman. I don’t know him well but we recognized each other from a few family events. We chatted a ton, but I felt delirious and can’t really remember what we ever talked about. I know I made him laugh a lot. I just hope it wasn’t too inappropriate.

When I made it to baggage claim my sister and favorite cousin Tati tackled me with a hug. We jumped into Tot’s truck and hit the road.

First order of business was getting Açaí bowls, then going to the store and Costco to go shopping. I bought us a ton of alcohol. I was completely exhausted, I felt like I was sleep walking through the aisles of Costco as I grabbed us a few bottles of tequila and some of Makaia’s (Tots husband) favorite whiskey and beer.

When I finally found Tots and my sister again, they were talking to my ex Dusty. 😬 We had a big blowout fight last time I was on the island. He hadn’t stopped texting or calling. I basically told him that he was making it impossible for us to be friends and I needed space.

As soon as he saw me, he grinned big and gave me a bear hug that lifted me off the ground. “Kauai has missed you! I missed you!” He declared.

Dusty is so easy to get along with… especially when he’s being his usual positive self. It’s why I started dating him in the first place. I have no problem being friendly with him, I just know I can’t do more than that. He wants more from me, and it’s just not going to happen.

We talked about workouts and Dusty made us promise to stop by later that evening for a workout. I have to say, I was genuinely excited about that… I miss working out with him. He’s what really kick started me back into fitness last year.

Dusty and I checked out early and got some pizza together. He apologized again for being an ass and all the things he said. He confessed he still feels the same that he regrets ever letting me go, but is going to do a better job of keeping it to himself if it meant I’d still be in his life as a friend. We hugged goodbye and I promised to see him at our workout later.

After that, we went back to Tots house. Tots lives on the North side of the island, in a house that often feels like this magical treehouse. It’s surrounded by trees. It’s my favorite place on the island.

My house is on the South side, but I was planning on not even going there and just staying with Tots. She and my sister are what feel like home. And with everything going on with my aunt right now… I really just want to be with them.

Tots left for work, so my sister and I went to Hanalei for a minute, then we picked up Tot’s daughter Kaileaha from school. It was sooo cute because Tots told her I’d be there when she got out of school- so the second the bell rang she RAN out of the classroom and jumped on me.

I seriously love her so friggin much. We spent the rest of the day hanging out. We went to lunch at Olympic Cafe. Stopped by my old store for a few minutes. Grabbed shaved Ice. And then went to the beach.

She’s only 6 and the waves were big, but she is fearless. We pretended we were mermaids as we swam in and I’d lift her over all the big waves as she squealed in delight.

We ran into family friends at the beach, since everyone always hangs there. We all do. We hungout with them for a bit until Kaileaha insisted that we play Mermaids again, so back into the ocean we went.

We swam in the ocean, Kaileaha on my back with her nonstop giggling and us easily swimming over the waves. The picture of it all is stuck in my head. My heart was so damn full of happiness. This beach. My sister and Kaileaha, can life really get better than this?

After we dried off, we drove back to Tots. Windows down, music blasting, and me grinning from ear to ear. Even driving here makes me happy. Us girls quickly changed into our workout clothes and then met up with Dusty.

Dusty kicked my ass in that workout. He didn’t go easy on me at all. He never does. But he also made a point to show off. He wore a pair of shorts that I used to tell him were my favorite and no shirt, clearly showing off his 8 pack. I used to love his abs. Tots called him out on it though and was like “Dude, where is your shirt? Or did you just forget it because Monica is here?” He just grinned and worked us out harder.

He made a point to especially bond with my sister. He knows she’s my weak spot. I really like being around Dusty, but oftentimes it doesn’t feel worth it because it feels like it’s all just this game to try and go back to how it used to be between us. Malia told me later that he asked a lot about Davide and what my move here meant for us.

After that, we went back to Tots. I had just enough energy to shower before I fell asleep at 7pm. Then woke up around 5am, my body crazy sore from the workout with D.

I woke up around 5am to my favorite Kauai sounds. Birds singing and roosters crowing filled the air. It was pitch black, but I went to the outdoor patio and watched the sun fill the sky through the trees.

I feel so incredibly lucky to be here. My first day back was perfection.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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