I’ve been waking up at 5am every day. It’s kinda the only time I have to myself all day. I sit on the patio and watch the sunrise through the trees.
Then I usually power out some work for an hour or so on my laptop. I’m technically on vacation until next week, but deadlines wait for no one.
Usually I fall back asleep by 7am just as everyone else is waking up.
Yesterday I walked over to Dusty’s for our workout… but I forgot the code to the gate at Tots house and ended up just climbing a tree in order to hop over the fence and get out.
I showed up at Dusty’s a little scratched up. He insisted on cleaning up my minor cuts before our workout.
I like working out together. We push each other and our banter comes easy. He is always going to be my favorite workout partner. Sometimes it’s hard being around him, I look over and his eyes are so intense on mine. I know that look. I know what it means, used to mean. But I’m not going back and I hate hurting him. So I look away, move away, or change the subject. I don’t reply to his texts usually and never answer his calls. I want to make sure I’m being clear and not sending mixed signals, but working out… we can do that, right?
He insisted on driving me back to Tots after our workout. The gate was still locked, so I made him give me a boost to jump over it. Laughing at me for being such a little hoodlum.
My body was sore from our workout. I showered and climbed back into bed with my sister, then fell back asleep. We all got up around 9am and went to go chase waterfalls on the East side for a bit. Then stopped by Nom for breakfast.
I was pretty quiet all morning. Which isn’t super unusual, I’m a quiet person in the mornings but I was definitely more depressed than usual. I could tell Tots and Malia were worried.
Then we headed back to the North shore. Met up with some friends who work at one of the restaurants at the Princeville Resort and got some drinks. Said Hi to some of the servers that were Dusty’s friends. Which only was a huge reminder of Nate for some reason. Thankfully we didn’t stay long.
Then we cruised over to Anini beach. Once we settled onto the towels Tots and my sister started grilling me about what happened last night. They eventually gave up.
Once they fell asleep, I cried a little and decided it was time to move on. Maybe soulmates don’t exist. You end up with the person you choose. Someone who loves you and always chooses you over everyone else. I already have that with Davide. Problem is… I’m not choosing him. I’m choosing Nate. Who is choosing someone else. I feel like such an idiot for believing we’d come out of this together. I keep beating myself up over being so naive.
Nate was a gamble and I lost. I got played. Sometimes in life you have to take a chance and shoot for the stars. He was that for me. At least I know I tried. He was the one who gave up on me. And I trust that it’s because whatever the hell that was between us, it isn’t love and never was. He’s with who he’s supposed to be with… and it’s just not me. He feels confident in that decision, which is just heartbreaking… but I’ve accepted it. What else is there to do?
Nate sent me a message that Davide is the right guy for me and that…. felt like a literal stab to the heart. I have never been so hurt. I sobbed over that text. He gave up on me and that’s just the reality of the situation. Like Davide said… I was just shiny and new to Nate. Sooner I come to terms with that… maybe the easier all of this will be on my heart. I told him to please stop contacting me. He did.
Everything keeps replaying in my mind… over and over again. Only now it all hurts. The playlist I made is sheer painful. The song Monsters makes tears fill my eyes because now the lyrics feel like such a lie. Most of all… I’m angry with myself. I did my best to quietly work through all of these emotions while we laid out on the beach. Trying to mentally piece it all together. Regretting it all. Trying to find a way to let this hold that Nate has on my heart and my soul, trying to let that go. How is it so easy for him to let me go? Maybe this was just something to me that it wasn’t to him? Probably.
Makaia stopped by the beach later in the afternoon and brought Jeremy and Dusty with him. I kept my distance and mostly just laid on my towel and read my book ignoring Dusty. We had a great workout this morning, but I can’t get close to him. Not now. He looks and acts like my friend, but that’s how things spiraled last time. It feels like a recipe for trouble. Kaileaha finally convinced me to get up and we went and played mermaids in the ocean. Then swung on the swing. Dusty walked over and pushed me on the swing then watched as I climbed the tree.
We went back out to the ocean when he asked me if I was okay. I just shrugged. There is no way I’m talking to him about Nate. He joked around a lot and finally got me to laugh a little when we talked about last summer and some of the stupid stuff we did.
We were just floating in the water and I could tell by the way he looks at me that he still loves me. The way he always tried to make me smile. How even now, he doesn’t give up. When it’s really love… you don’t give up. And all I could think is that I wish Nate treated me like this. That he loved me. That made my heart ache and my eyes fill with tears. Usually I can be so strong and endings like this doesn’t affect me this much. This is different and I hate it. I hate that he hurt me like this. That I gave him the power to. Hate that he turned out to not be the guy I thought he was. Hate that I let myself love someone like that…
I quietly went back to my towel and made myself fall asleep. Can you sleep away pain? When I woke up I talked with Jeremy for awhile just about life. He’s one of my favorite people on the island and a kickass bartender. He was kind, I know he could tell I wasn’t my usual laughing and joking self. I felt miles away. Wanted to be miles away.
Dusty hovered like a helicopter until Kaia and the guys left. I’m not going to fall into the same trap that I did last summer. Right into Dusty’s arms. I have someone I love. Someone I’ve made promises to. Someone who looks at me, says forever and actually means that. Maybe that’s more rare than I thought. Maybe it’s time to trust him when he says forever and marry him. Maybe that’s as good as it gets. He does make me happy. I do love him. It’s just a different kind of love.
I figured out that this Nate situation is kinda like with surfing. Sometimes you go for the really big wave and you fumble really bad and wipe out. You get turned around and are basically eating sand for awhile. You always remember the worst wipeouts. Doesn’t mean you don’t paddle for another wave ever again. It was just a wave you learned a lesson from. It’s just part of the risk you’re taking you gotta get back up. Choose a better wave. Get better at navigating the more difficult ones. You gotta keep taking chances and going for the big waves. Sometimes it pays off, other times it’s a lesson learned.
Back at Tots we cleaned up from the beach. Maikaia and I opened up the tequila. I made us all some bomb enchiladas for dinner.
Drunk off the tequila, I caved and apologized to Nate for shutting down on him earlier. I knew in my gut that it hurt him. Which I didn’t want, but I also know that I need to protect both of us from each other. I need to protect myself from him because he sure as hell isn’t looking out for me and I’m not going to lash out at him. It’s so frustrating to realize that all the things we said… plans we made… all of it is gone.
Nate says things that he doesn’t really mean. I believe them. Then I get hurt and angry. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want him to have this control over my heart like he does. He doesn’t love me…. so he doesn’t deserve it. I just have to get a better handle on my emotions.
Dusty, Jeremy, and a couple other people came over to just chill. I got to a happy buzzed state and tried to just forget about Nate. We played games. Then Nate called. Against my better judgement I went to the other room to return the call, and he couldn’t talk.
All I could think is… what’s the point of trying? Why does he even call? We just don’t fit in each other’s lives. He doesn’t want me in his life. He chose her. Why call me? What’s the point?
Nate said a lot of things… and I went into the other room and cried. I’m exhausted and I just… don’t believe him.
He said he loved me. He said I was his soulmate, partner, wife, mother of his kids, his everything.
I want that to be true. More than anything. Because he’s all those things to me. But the thing is…. IF any of those things were true… how can he KEEP choosing someone else? He wouldn’t… which is why I feel like I’m just getting played. These are just words that are fucking with my head and my heart. Words he never meant.
If he needs more time because it’s hard to end things, fine… that’s totally a conversation I’m open to. Let’s talk about the struggles of ending it… I’m going through the same thing with Davide and could use that support too. But no he keeps ending things with me so as not to hurt her. It’s happened multiple times now. And to me it means that he loves her more. He’s always going to choose her. He wouldn’t be ending things with me if he felt we belonged together. I know he should. I can’t even be mad about it… it just hurts like hell… because I was once convinced of otherwise.
He’s a good guy… but I need someone who is going to love and protect me. Value me above all else. And that’s just not this situation. That’s just not Nate. Maybe it never was and I was just being an idiot. I blame no one but myself. Plain and simple. Maybe that’s why I’m so angry with myself.
I keep asking myself what lessons I’m learning from all of this. When the pain gets really bad you gotta focus on the takeaways. That’s the only way to stay positive and keep moving forward.
The pessimistic side of me is shining through and so far the only lesson I can come up with is that Soulmates are a lie. A lie you tell to yourself and to someone else… as an excuse to throw all all logic out of the window. This voice in my head tells me, “Of course this happened to me. Why would Nate be different from the guys before him?”
I feel like the universe doesn’t think I deserve that kind of love. Maybe I don’t and that’s the lesson I should take away from this… stop shooting for the moon and just be thankful for what you have, you don’t deserve more. I know it’s jaded thinking from years of just… being told I was worthless by my parents and then always getting the short end of the stick. I feel like shitty things happen, and then everyone tells me “You’re strong. You’ll get through it.” like that somehow makes it better. What if I’m not that strong? Don’t feel like being strong? Just want to give up on life and just everything? I’m so tired of disappointment! sigh. I’m working on it… I’ll find a way to get back to my positive self. I’ll get through this. I have to. I have no other choice. I’ll find the silver lining eventually… I hope. Right now it’s all tears, pain, and frustration and I just feel like I’m drowning in the aftermath of all of this, all by myself.
So right now, my goal… is to get out of this angry/hurt mindset… move the fuck on… and get to a point where I can talk to him/think about him and feel nothing.