My mom landed yesterday… she hasn’t been in Kauai in ages. But it’s good that she’s here to be with her sister. After my aunt’s really good day at the beach and going out to dinner with us, she took a turn for the worse. She hasn’t really been able to get out of bed.
It’s so rough seeing all of this go down. Seeing how much pain my aunt is in and how frail she is. Seeing her hair falling out.
Yesterday since Tots had to work, my sister and I drove to the south side and I showed her my new place. L had finished decorating it a week ago and it is amaazzzzzing. I’m so in love with how it turned out. It’s so bright, airy, and comfy all at the same time. It still feels unreal that it’s mine. Pretty much the only thing for me to do is wall art and photographs.
I dropped off some of my stuff. My plan is to stay on the North shore with Tots until next week, then I’ll move into my house. I just need to be around the family right now.
My sister and I hungout in Poipu and saw some turtles and monk seals. I took her snorkeling. Then I met up with a distant cousin, Keenan to go surfing. To be honest… I felt really distracted mentally with all of this Nate stuff and just didn’t do as well as I normally do. The waves were huge and I wiped out pretty fucking hard. I got a big gash on my leg and was under for so long that my lungs started burning. It was one of the worst wipe outs I’ve had in awhile. Keenan kept teasing me after that calling me “Shark Bait” because I was bleeding pretty badly. So I went in for the day. I hate ending a surfing session on a bad note.
My other cousin Chase, he’s in bad shape right now. He was happily married, had a baby, and then she left him and he found out the baby wasn’t his… so it’s all gone. Ever since then he’s been on a bender. It’s bad. He’s a wreck.
Everyone has been reaching out to him… but he’s been non responsive. I had tried calling him that morning, but hadn’t heard back. When we made it back to the car- I had a missed call from him and invited him to meet us at the beach. I didn’t think he’d show up, but he did. He was as high as a kite.
Chase and I have always been really close. He’s Chicky’s older brother… and we had this major heart to heart. I’ve always been like a big sister to him. I adore him. I told him how much I love him, how worried I am about him… and that no judgement… he could tell me anything… but I needed to know how bad it was and if he wanted help. He cried. I hugged him and promised him we’d get it all better.
He admitted that he needed help, that it was getting really bad. The stuff he’s into… it’s really hardcore. I thought he’d flip when I suggested rehab, but he didn’t. He just said he didn’t want to do it on this island, he wanted to do it on Maui.
I called Johnny, Chase’s dad, and told him everything. He was shocked that Chase surfaced (they haven’t seen him in months) and asked for help but agreed. They have a family friend who has an in at a rehab center on Maui… and we got Chase in. I wanted him to go today, but it’s up in the air. Johnny still thinks Chase isn’t going to follow through. We bought a one way flight over there, so we can get him settled in. Johnny also owns a ton of vacation rentals over there… so we’ll have a place to stay.
Right now the plan is that a few of us will fly to Maui and get him all checked in. I don’t know how if it’s going to actually happen though. Chase could do a disappearing act on us, but he hasn’t so far. Chase is being so damn open with me though… about everything. When he’s getting high and some of the crazy things he’s been doing. He’s sleeping on Tots couch for now. He’s still getting high, but at least we know he’s safe and he isn’t running away.
I swear that usually my life is not this dramatic. When it rains it’s pours…
Today everyone is driving to the North side and we’ll probably do a big beach day at Anini or the secret pool at the botanical gardens. Tonight a bunch of my cousins from the west side are sleeping over at Tots. So it’s gonna be a huge party. It’s been like 5 years since Tots, Malia, Chicky, and I have all been on the island together. Tots dad flew in from Ecuador today and is joining us at the beach. It’s going to be great. It’s kinda surreal that we’re all together again… this never happens. I’m so fucking blessed. My cousins are some of the greatest humans on the planet. I’m super picky with who I hangout… and they’re top notch. They’re my best friends and this time together is extra special, even if it’s under the worst circumstances.
Finding peace about Nate
I’m still heartbroken. I still feel a lot of what I wrote in my last post about Nate… but it helps writing all out that anger and frustration and getting it out. Allows me to stop thinking about it and focus on the good in my life. Focusing on helping Chase. Focusing on this precious time with my family.
I think I figured something out. I’m not looking for just love. I already have that.
I’m with someone incredible who I love deeply. Someone who makes me incredibly happy. Someone I can see me spending the rest of my life with…. Davide. He is so thoughtful, funny, and kind.
But I ask myself, is this the life that I’ll be happy with when I look back at it 50 years from now? Will I be glad that I compromised on a few things or that I allowed Davide to put aside his desires, hopes, and dreams… for me.
Oftentimes we settle. We settle for the person we love over the person who could push us to be bigger, stronger, greater versions of ourselves, because in all honesty that person is scary and it’s not easy. So we tell ourselves that love is enough. That pushing for more isn’t possible.
But it simply isn’t enough for me. I want more than love. I want a true life partner. I want someone who will always be there with no judgement. Who will push me to go further. Someone I can push to be their best self.
I didn’t want to settle for just love, which is why I’ve held on with Nate for so long. Now I have no choice, what I want doesn’t exist. Soulmates don’t exist… or maybe they do for everyone else… I just wasn’t made for that kind of happiness.
Nate was about something more than just Love. Nate was about a life partner. It was about someone that I fell in love with unexpectedly, but the thing about him was that I believed we’d push each other to be bigger, stronger, greater versions of ourselves. It was deeper than love, I saw him as someone who could be my life partner. My soulmate.
I feel like he lost sight of that. Which is his choice. I’m hurt and disappointed but the thing I’ve finally found peace with is that if he was truly my life partner, he’d find a way to make it through this with me. He’d choose to work through it together instead of giving up. That’s what I want and need out of a life partner. Someone who chooses to work through it together, before they choose the easy path with someone else. I don’t expect it to be easy, fast, or simple. I believe that the best things don’t come easy. I can be patient beacause I’m working through so many similar things with Davide… it’s hard and confusing. I know it’s not easy. But I also know what I want and I was willing to not give up on us… to work through it like a team. If he was who I thought he was… he’d know that this isn’t just about love. He wouldn’t keep giving up on me. But he gave up again, which isn’t just a mistake.. it’s a pattern, and if giving up on me is a pattern he just isn’t who I thought he was. I deserve so much more than that. I can’t change his choice, so I’m better off with him giving up and leaving now. Rather than dragging this out.
I think I’m angry with myself because I saw this coming. I have for months. I still remember it being the first argument I had with him, when he told me he couldn’t leave her right then and I stopped talking to him but he convinced me to stay and promised it wouldn’t be much longer. I should’ve listened to my gut and ended it all then. Now it feels like he was just wasting my time getting my hopes up for someone who was never serious about me. Who never intended to make it out of this with me. I was just some random meaningless distraction. It sucks and hurts my heart like you wouldn’t believe… but I’ve found closure with that.
If Nate doesn’t love me or is just choosing to give up on me… that’s his problem. It just means he isn’t who I thought he was. He didn’t truly value me and respect me for all that I am. I’m trying to get myself to a place where I don’t feel anything for him anymore. It’s easier now that I’ve accepted that he isn’t the life partner or soulmate that I once thought he was.
I’ve learned that in love you have two choices: accept someone as they are or walk away. There is no inbetween. You have no control over what the other person does. No amount of begging or pleading changes anything in the long run. So if someone walks away from you… don’t fight for them… just move the hell on. They weren’t for you after all. It’s not really love. Only fight for the people that stay and try to make it work. Nate was a really really cool guy and I cared about him a lot, but I can’t change this situation and the fact that he chose to stay with his fiancé… so I’m out.
I know he’s going to want to be friends, try and flirt… etc. and I’m just over this whole routine. This is how he gets back in with me and I’m over it. I know it’d be best if I never spoke to him again and cut everything off, but I don’t want to be a heartless hardass. Even if I should be. I just haven’t officially decided to be. At this point I’m viewing him as a low priority friend. Someone who doesn’t really care about me, someone I can’t count on… but I still sometimes have fun with them, so I’ll respond but I don’t open up. It may end up being that I cut it all off entirely… depending on what happens.
I’m literally sitting on a gorgeous beach, the warm sun on my skin, delicious food, great music, my favorite humans around me…. I have so much going for me and my life. I know I have amazing things ahead of me. This was a huge disappointment but I’m not wasting my time on someone who gives up on me who just wants to mind fuck me. I’m not a meaningless fling. I will not be thrown away like I am. I’m past dealing with shit like that. My life is so fucking full… why should I waste any more effort here?