Ever since I’ve been back on Kauai, my life has been pure chaos. I need a break from it all, so every morning I meet Cholt in Kealia and we do our usual morning surf session. It’s our tradition whenever I’m on the island. It’s like the only time of day when it’s like my mind and whole world quiets… and I can just be.
Things have been tough with Davide right now. I’m going through so much and having a 12hr difference between us, is super hard. It makes it worse because staying with Tots means I literally have no privacy. He sends me long emails though and I fall asleep texting him.
It was a quiet afternoon, Tots and I were downstairs working out in the garage when a car pulled into her long driveway. I figured it was one of her friends, so I focused on finished my reps strong when I looked up and saw Davide getting out of the car.
The second I saw Davide I squealed, ran, and jumped into his arms.
He dropped his bag and wrapped his arms around me and spun me around before kissing me deeply.
“You’re here!! You’re really here! What are you how doing here??? HOW?” I said, happy tears filling my eyes.
“I’m here babe. I couldn’t stay away” He said his hands grabbing my ass.
I couldnt stop smiling at him. Holding his hand. It had only been 2 weeks since we last saw each other, but it was a tough few weeks and I wasn’t expecting to see him so soon. I had no idea he was coming and now think it’s the sweetest thing in the world he planned a whole surprise for me like that.
Tots and my sister conveniently disappeared to go to the beach, leaving Davide and I to be alone for a few hours. Just being in his arms again sent shivers down my spine. By the time they came back, my cheeks hurt from grinning so much.
After they teased us relentlessly with a ton of sex jokes, Davide whisked me away for a date night and to spend the night at my house on the south shore. He had even bought a bottle of champagne to pop and we sat there in the sand chugging from the bottle and giggling. We stayed up all night talking and making love, until poor jet lagged Davide passed out.
We woke up late, showered together, I made him breakfast in bed and gave him the grand tour of the newly decorated house. We were too preoccupied the night before for tours.
We walked through the kitchen and living room together. He got to see the wet bar that he added. The paint colors that I had been pouring over and endlessly questioning… which turned out just amazing. I had added this outdoor shower that I was super proud of, and tricked Davide into standing in it, when I turned the shower on full blast then ran away laughing. He tackled me in the grass, threw me over his shoulder and then got me soaking wet from the shower too. Both of us laughing.
I showed him the tire swing that Johnny had made for us in the backyard. He had me sit on it and he pushed my soaking wet ass back and forth.
He started talking about how this house was the start of so much for us. That we were going to have so many laughs here. That one day our children were going to run around this backyard. I smiled softly. My heartaching at the thought… it’s confusing sometimes because my heart still loves Nate, even though it’s over. Why do I still think of him in moments like that?
He smiled at the ping pong table that I had recently bought and just smiled at me, kissing the top of my head when I told him I was going to kick his ass in ping pong later. “You definitely will sweetheart.” He said and his words made my heart ache. Ping pong was another reminder of Nate. I missed trash talking him and our hilarious banter.
Overall, he loved the house… and it felt good to finally show him the months of hardworking I had poured into every detail.
Then he took me to go get my favorite ice cream ever at Lapperts. We sat on a bench, I threw my legs over his and we just quietly talked.
My sister and I are going through this really rough patch right now. We have been for days. Everyone could tell something was off between us, the easy banter and laughter that we usually have- was gone. I was frustrated and hurt… I felt like I had really let her down. But I also don’t talk about my sister problems with anyone, not even my closest friends, not even Davide. I think it’s because I’m more protective over her, than anyone else in the world. I know our relationship doesn’t make sense to most people because we’re so much more than sisters, and everyone else only sees the amazing times. I think Davide was irritated by my vague answers, but I shrugged it off- there was no point in repeating any of it and no way I was going to tell him about what’s going on, it’d just make him angry with her.
We eventually went to the big family BBQ. My cousin manages this mansion vacation rental on the beach- it has an amazing pool, so we threw a family party there.
I’m super super protective of my Hawaiian family. I usually keep them separate from whoever I’m dating, but it was different with Davide from the start, we had only been dating a short time when I brought him to my Uncle’s big 50th anniversary party in Kauai back in October and he tried to get me to elope.
My family is pretty damn amazing and they love to make Davide laugh. Usually with hilarious stories about me and my many antics as a kid. But in reality all of my cousins are hilarious, kind, and amazing humans. When I’m around them… I am so so happy and can never stop laughing. I’m a girl that never feels entirely at home… but when I’m with them, my heart feels like it’s found home.
Davide helped grill with some of my cousin’s husbands while I did shots with my uncle, talked story with my cousins, and swam in the pool with the kids.
Then I snagged the tequila bottle and went down to the beach with a few of my young 20yr old cousins, who are just these gorgeous Hawaiian beauties, who are just incredible and have show much ahead of them in life. I showed them how to properly do shots with no chasers. We sat in the sand, watching the huge waves crash and talked about life and cute boys.
While we sat there, my phone buzzed in my pocket and it was a text from Nate. As soon as I saw his name… it was like my heart skipped a beat and hurt all at the same time. I love hearing from him… but it hurts because he just doesn’t feel the same way about me, that I do about him. I do my best not to think about it.
I tell myself that all I can do with life is take it as it comes. I can’t change the past, I can’t change someone else’s decisions… all I can do is take it and move on. My energy is better spent focusing on making my own life as amazing as I can… than moping around over what will never be.
Nate ended things with me a week ago. He chose to stay with his fiancé. I cried about it quite a bit. But now… I have to focus on me and my life. Which means Davide. My heart was torn for the longest time… because I believed Nate was my soulmate. Now, I don’t believe in soulmates… I believe that you make choices. I choose myself, I choose someone who will never give up on me… Davide. But yet my heart skips a beat over a little text from Nate. Sigh. This damn heart of mine. I stuffed my phone back in my pocket.
Davide walked down to the beach and found us because everyone was getting ready to leave. He brought me a little flower which he tucked behind my ear into my windblown hair. Then he had me jump on his back and carried me back to the house. I wrapped my arms around his neck and tried to focus myself on what was right in my grasp. He loves me. He wants a life with me and is fighting for that, no matter what I throw at him. He is my future. I rest my head on his back while he carries me and let the weight of that thought sink in.
We decided to spend another night at my house in Poipu rather than driving back to the North Shore with Tots and everyone else. We needed another night of privacy. And I was exhausted from another day of fighting with my sister.
As he shifted the car into gear to drive my drunk ass home, he pulled my feet onto his lap and grinned at me. I smiled back, and felt guilty for texting Nate on the ride home.
When we got home, he carried me and set me down on the couch, insisting that I not lift a finger while he unloaded the car. Nate and I kept talking, while Davide filled out fridge with all of the leftover food.
Nate said that he regretted ending it… and basically that it wasn’t over for him. I sat there on the couch staring at the ceiling, just completely baffled. My heart just… a scrabbled mess. Of course this would happen. We could’ve had this conversation days ago… Davide has been gone for weeks. During that time, Nate chooses his fiancé, and it’s like the second Davide’s back and I’m really moving forward with my life… suddenly Nate changes his mind again.
Nate didn’t know Davide was back, so it’s not like he planned it… but the timing of it all was tough to process. I stuffed my phone into the couch cushions and tried to forget the words on the screen. The words that shifted everything in my heart… again. Maybe he was just saying this shit and didn’t mean it. Why else would he have ended it with me again? I just wish he’d tell me what was really going on… the why. I just want to understand. More than anything… it hurts because I want to understand him. Even now, we’re over and I just want to know what the hell is going on in his head.
I did my best to stop thinking about it when Davide joined me on the couch and pulled me in for a deep kiss. Davide and I took a hot and steamy shower and then stayed up all night again making love. I felt confused and frustrated. We’re having the BEST sex that I’ve been craving for weeks on end… and now all I can think about is if it’s really over with Nate or not.
I pushed the thoughts out of my head and just focused on what was real this moment. Davides warm body. His hands all over me. It took me a few minutes to center myself in reality again. Davide never left. He never will leave me. I need that. I need consistency and someone who was going to choose me at the end of the day and in the worst of situations. I’ve been left behind too many times in my life for this bullshit. I’m not doing it again. Nate just has this way of just… completely undoing me and fucking me in the head.
Nate and I kept in touch over the next few days, but neither of us said much. I just told myself that he didn’t mean what he said about regretting it. Until Nate told me how he really felt. How confused he was.
I think it was his vulnerablity that made me realize that I wasn’t the only one with my heart in my hands. That I wasn’t the only one hurt here. Before… it felt like I was. I felt like a fool. Now… it’s just tough all around for us both.
Life with Davide
Things with Davide and I are better than ever. I love that he’s back. I missed him a lot. Missed waking up to him planting kisses all over my face and neck. Which never fails to make me giggle. Missed our daily morning showers and the way he possessively washes my body. The little notes he leaves me everywhere. I feel like I hit the jackpot with Davide, in the big moments and in the small. The way how he holds my hand and randomly kisses the back of my hand. The way he caresses my cheek and smiles at me. How he picks little flowers and puts them in my hair.
I know that I have it good with him. That he sees all of my flaws. All of my stupid mistakes, my stubbornness, my ability to just… really fuck up sometimes. And he accepts it. He accepts me. My heart. My intentions. He loves me anyways and patiently just lets me work through my shit, no matter how hard it is. I really respect that about him. 2019 has been pretty bumpy for us in really unexpected ways. I’ve been the one to give up on us… he never has. When I was off choosing someone else… he was still choosing me. He seems to know exactly what I need. He’s just my rock, calmly supporting me behind the scenes of everything. Even on the worst days, he made time to call me or text me and ask me about my day. Even on the other side of the world, I was his priority.
I don’t think there is such a thing as soulmates. I think that you love really hard and someday you choose to love someone and stick with them no matter what. You look at their flaws and you decide if you can live forever with it. You look at your needs and see if they’re being met… and just decide. My heart loves him, and I think that logically we fit each other so well. It’s not perfection… but there is no such thing.
Our Europe trip is in a month. I’ve never been to London before, so I’m pretty excited about that. He’s never been to San Sebastián, Spain before which is just one of my favorite places in the world. Sometimes when I dream of running away from life… I see myself there on that gorgeous beach, stuffed full with delicious tapas, salsa dancing the nights away. So it’s going to be fun to be back there. And then of course back to Positano to spend time with his family. The Amalfi coast now feels like another home to me… and I’m giddy to go back.
I’ve been focusing on learning more Italian so I can start having full conversations with his mom on my own. Well at least that’s my goal. His dad FaceTimed me yesterday because he had some website issues. We were able to get them all fixed and within an hour I made some major improvements to his website, adding some Ecommerce functionality to the backend and redesigning the home page. He was thrilled and told me I’m already his favorite daughter in law, which made me laugh.
Davide and I have been talking a lot about how we see our life together. We have my big birthday trip to Iceland in August, so we’re trying to figure out what we should do for July.
He’d like us to use my remote job right now and take advantage of traveling together. Which is when we’re at our best and happiest. I think it sounds amazing… I’m just unsure if we can make it work with everything going on with my aunt. I want to be around as much as I possibly can for the time she has left with us. But when he talks about Bali, Thailand, or Costa Rica… gosh that tugs on my heart strings. I miss traveling.
Davide has baby fever
Since he’s been back, whenever we make love, right before he finishes he tells me he needs to get me pregnant. Right now. He says he wants a baby with me, a daughter who is just as beautiful as me. He wants a life together forever. He wants me with a big pregnant belly. The whole thing.
At first I thought it was just a sex thing. But while we’re cooking dinner he starts reading off potential baby names, all of them Hawaiian… none of which I liked. I just shook my head and laughed, saying ‘Noooooo. No babies right now.’ But he makes a point to hold and play with my cousin’s babies. Or when I’m holding them he gives me this look from across the table and this huge grin. Later he tells me that he can’t wait to make me a mom.
I love him. I love our life together right now. I love living with him. I love it all. Especially now that we’re in this house together. Even though this house is a temporary move for us, to him it’s the place where we’re going to raise our children together and he’s ready for that future already.
When I really think about the forevers he has on his mind… I feel a bit overwhelmed. On one hand… the fact that this man will always love me and never leave me… that feels so settling. I’ve never truly had that. There has always been a level of uncertainty in my relationships. All I’ve wanted is someone I can always be sure of and always count on. Really the only person I’ve had like that in my life is my sister and I know I need that in a partner. On the other hand… finally having that feels big, scary, and intimidating.
I’m being super safe right now… like I’m on birth control so it’s not a huge concern… but what if simply wishing for it gives him super sperm or something and I do get pregnant? I know that’s a crazy thought, not actually based on any kind of reality… It’s just the thought doesn’t make me feel super giddy about it like I think I should. But maybe that’s because it’s SUCH a big step.
I look down at the engagement ring on my finger. I promised Davide forever. Promised to marry him. Be his wife. He’s such a good man… I know I can do it. I can see our life so clearly. See our travels together, eventually see the kids and the house and whole deal. I think it’s going to be a really happy life. But is it the life that I want? If it’s the life that I’m meant for… why do I still keep mentally coming back to Nate?