My Life

Trying to keep it together

I feel like there is so much to write about… that my heart can’t possibly explain.

Words seem to fail me right now… just because what I’m feeling just is so so so deep and I haven’t quite figured out how to express it all.

My life is so incredible and I am so thankful. I am sooo fucking blessed. But today…. today was really REALLY hard.

And I’m kinda tired of being told how strong I am. I don’t really want to be strong right now. Sometimes I feel like if I don’t hold it together… everything will fall apart and that pressure… today it was just too much.

I spent the weekend back in OC. Even though it was only a few nights Davide really missed me. I know he was trying to be thoughtful by throwing me a surprise party… but it was honestly shitty timing.

We laid in bed and he apologized over and over again. I poked him and told him to stop. I’m okay. Really. He pulled me into a tight hug and somehow got me to open up. About Dave. About my regrets. The funeral I never got to attend. All of it. I quietly cried into his chest. And he was just there for me.

It’s all kinda jarring when you think about it all. How much has changed. How quickly it did. I have no regrets… I know that who I am today is because of all of those choices.

He spent all night making love to me over and over again. He said that he wants to make sure I never want to spend another night away from him again. In the morning after our usual morning shower, he made me breakfast in bed with a full two page apology letter. Typical Davide.

I’m lucky to have him. He is so there and so present for every up and down. I hate that I feel so emotional and sad. Like so can’t even explain it. But I don’t have to with him. Which helps.

Anyways. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

About Monica

Living in Newport Beach and Kauai. Survivor of crippling Anxiety and Depression. When I'm not cuddling my adorable dachshund puppy, surfing, or reading, you'll find me on here writing about my love life, loss, and everything in between.

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