I had a rough night. I just couldn’t quite turn my brain off.. and it was like all of these thoughts, regrets, and fears haunted me.
So Davide and I stayed up and talked. He helped me piece together some of the things bothering me. He held me while I cried. I don’t know why… but when I’m not okay people always remind me of how strong I am. Sometimes I need to not be strong. Davide creates space for me to be… not strong. He let’s me break down, he holds me, and gets me to stop being so hard on myself. It helps. A lot.
He is really really good at just supporting me. At getting me out of my own head. At reminding me to be kind to myself. He kissed away the tears and just let me wallow. I finally fell asleep but woke up after a nightmare. He held me and promised me that it was all going to be okay, until I fell back asleep again.
In the morning, I woke him up the way I usually do, which was fun. I felt like I put him through hell and at least owed him that. He tells me I owe him nothing, I’ve already given him everything.
Sometimes he says things like that… and so have to look away. I love him. I love our relationship. The only “but” I have is Nate. I have no idea what’s going to happen…. but so fear I’m going to wreck Davide’s heart.
We lounged around for awhile and then Davide had plans to go out fishing again, he was going to cancel them to stay home with me, but I put on my bravest face and convinced him to go. My friend is here staying with us for the week… so it’s not like I’ll be alone. He finally agreed, on the condition that I have to keep checking in all day.
I don’t ever call in sick to work… but I almost did. I just didn’t feel mentally up for being around other people. I felt like I just needed Me time.
I had a call scheduled with my coach first thing… and I really REALLY love talking to her. So decided to make a decision about calling in sick after talking with her.
I’m incredibly blessed in that the company pays for me to have my own coach! I had never really had one before, so wasn’t sure what to expect. I was worried it’d be some Life Coach kinda situation where they’d just tell me motivational stuff and I’d roll my eyes the whole time. lol. But that’s not it at all.
She’s the person I tell everything to. It’s not like therapy, because we don’t talk about the past or any of those issues. We talk about the present and the future. We talk about my goals, my blockers, anything I struggled with that week. Then she helps me break it down, see it from another perspective, and we come up with a way forward.
Today I told her how stressed I was feeling over my growing To Do list and just this feeling of complete overwhelm. We looked at my To Do list together and figured out that it was all the writing tasks that I kept postponing and procrastinating on.
That kinda opened the flood gates and I told her how I just couldn’t write lately. For me writing is this really personal thing, and I’ve been feeling so blocked. We dug deep and I found something that I think is really going to help me.
She made an interesting observation about me, that I’m very fiery and driven while at the same time very people-pleasing and kind. That sometimes those skillsets are in conflict or friction with each other… and that’s when I seem to struggle the most. She’s right. I feel like I’m two different extremes melded into one person and I feel so damn conflicted.
After that call I felt really motivated and got a lot of work done. But… at the end of the work day even though it was super productive… I just broke down and cried.
I’m not myself right now and I don’t even know how to explain it. I just feel really in pain right now. I’m mentally foggy. I could be perfectly fine one minute… but then something triggers it and I don’t know how to explain it… I’m overwhelmed. I’m not myself. I’m holding it together best I can. I’m being positive.
But I just want to shut everyone out. I’m not. I haven’t. I just want to. It’s how I cope.
That’s so ironic… because right now one of my greatest fears and triggers is around being abandoned. Having no one. Not being enough. Yet all I want to do is push everyone away. Thankfully, Davide doesn’t let me.
It’s so damn silly when I think about it logically… of course I’m enough. I’m so fucking proud of who I am. But… sometimes emotions don’t make sense. My nightmare was around being abandoned. It was about this one argument I had with Dave when he was just so disappointed in me. And I felt it all over again…. I’m just the bastard kid that never fit in anywhere. No matter how hard I tried.
Then all of that combines with this stupid memory I have of the night I was assaulted. And just none of these emotions make sense. It just hurts and I’m angry…. and so damn confused.
I’m scared of being abandoned. Scared of getting hurt again. Which is so stupid… because I know I’m loved. In fact, I’m surrounded with sooo much support. I have one of my closest friends here… and gosh I didn’t realize how much I’d need her. And Davide has just realllllly been there for me.
I know this isn’t last year. I know I have this solid support foundation. I know I’m getting through it… it’s just painful. Really REALLY fucking painful.