After the last post, when M and I got back to the house… Davide had made us this huge breakfast spread. He took me upstairs to our room and apologized profusely for the night before. For raising his voice, for grabbing the sneakers out of my hand, but worst of all for not being my partner when I needed him the most.
I just hugged him. I know that was just one snapshot of our relationship… it just isn’t us. It was two sleep deprived people… who were just so fucking frustrated. I was pretty hurt by the things he said and did. I expected more out of him… but I also feel like I can’t expect perfection from my partner either, ya know? It’d be one thing, if it was a pattern in our relationship… but it’s not.
After that we packed up for our big Pollihale camping trip and Na Pali adventures.
Just… Not Me.
This past week… it’s been hell for me. Not sleeping at night. So many deeply emotional things going on, that I’ve decided not to write about… or talk to anyone else about. I’ve tried writing about it… but I just can’t seem to find the words.
I don’t break down like this. This whole past week… is just so not me. And I just feel… so damn frustrated. With myself. With this whole situation. All of it.
Your past is important, but it is not nearly as important as the way you see your future is. What happened to me… it does hurt and it does scare me. I do fear that it’ll happen again one day… and also fear being abandoned again.
Those are two of my biggest fears. I can’t deny that I don’t feel any of those things, because… I do. Deeply. Those are the fears that keep me up at night. They’re the monsters that hide under the bed. I just can’t and won’t ever let them control me… and I am so angry and frustrated because this week it felt like they did. No matter how hard I tried to stop it.
Here is the thing… I face each of those fears every single day. It’s not easy… in fact it is fucking hard, but I’m not going to live my life running away from them.
In order to create an extraordinary life sometimes you have to raise the bar so high that it scares you. You have to face the things that scare you. You have to ask the tough question of, “How can I be the best person I want to be? What does she look like?”
All I know is that the best person I want to be… she doesn’t live her life running away from fears. Unable to get a decent night of sleep for a week. She learns from her past… she doesn’t fear it. And I’m doing my best to be her…. every single day. Even if it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
But this past week… no matter what I did, my body wasn’t having it. I felt like I was at war within myself. Soooo. Soooo Frustrating.
Davide really stepped up this past week, he has been there for every single up and down (with the one exception I wrote about). He is so attentive to me, to everything I’m going through.
Ya know how sometimes you and your partner come home after a long day and you’re both just exhausted? In previous relationships, the guy would usually turn on the TV and just watch a game and completely zone out. Which is cool… I don’t need attention 24/7 and I think everyone needs chill alone time… but Davide, he is completely different. No matter how exhausted this guy is, he pulls me in and asks me about my day and he listens. He doesn’t make it all about him. He makes it about me and I make it about him.
I realized that this past week… that he has never ever… tuned me out. He watches sports of course, sometimes will even play video games, but anytime I say anything… he puts it all on pause and gives me his full attention. Usually I laugh and tell him he didn’t have to pause it… but that’s just the kind of guy he is. He makes me feel like every word I have to say, he wants to hear it. Every feeling I have… he wants me to share it with him.
And that realization was probably one of the best things about this week. It was the worst week… but he just loved me even more intensely. He amazes me… and I know what what we have is rare and special. He does mean a lot to me.
Yes, there are some things that I don’t think I can fully talk to him about. Not because of anything he has ever said… but I fear disappointing him. I’m still figuring that out.
Fastest way to get to know someones true colors. Go through some shit.
When things get hard in my life… people leave. Even people that I care deeply about. People I bent over backwards for. It hurts. Like… really badly, but I genuinely believe that it’s just people revealing their true colors, ya know?
I’ve learned over the years, that the people who make a point to check in on you by asking how you’re really doing, who let you fall apart, and who don’t give up on you. Those are the people who are your true friends. Those are the people who really do love you.
And… I think I realized that Nate just doesn’t fall into that category anymore. He’s taking a step back, which for me… says a lot. I don’t know what else to say about it all. I feel like I saw this side of him that I didn’t know existed… and I’m so hurt and disappointed.
I’ve tried to make a point, to not write about Nate. To not write about every up and down, every intense feeling, or misunderstanding but this one… it feels like it’s too big of a red flag. It cut too deep… for me to act like it just didn’t happen.