Tuesday night, all the girls and I went to the beach for sunset and some wine.
We all went into the water and just hung out. Cliff sat on my beach towel watching us from the shore. The poor little guy wiped out on a wave the other day, and hasn’t wanted to get near the water since then. I swear he is the cutest little puppy in the world. And suuuuch a ladies man. He loves Amanda and Jennica and cuddles them hard.
We were each a few glasses of wine in when Amanda brought it up.
“Sooo what was that thing with Alec the other night?” She said grinning over at me.
I did a deep sigh, “I have no clue. You guys would be straight with me if I was sending him mixed signals, right? I don’t ever want to hurt him…” I asked.
“Yeah, I would. But you’re not. Everyone knows you’re happily engaged. You did nothing wrong. You don’t flirt with him, you guys just play off each other really well and have good chemistry. Aren’t you even a little attracted to him? He’s so fucking hot.” asked Amanda.
I shrugged, “I mean I’m aware that he’s attractive… he always has been. But I’m not actually attracted to him. Like I don’t have any emotional attachment or attraction to him in that way, which to me is everything.” I said
“Besides you’re already in love with the Italian sex god. I think it’d be hard to think of anyone else when you’re already bedding that.” said Jennica smirking.
“Pretty much. Hard to think straight after him at all actually. I can’t wait until he gets here, I’m dyyyying right now.” I confessed.
“Yeah, you’re probably just going to lock yourself in a bedroom with him for a solid week. Next time you see us you won’t be able to walk, you’ll need a cane or something.” said Amanda.
Jennica chimed in by making loud moaning sounds and pretended to dry hump me, which had me crying laughing and attracted the attention of people further down the beach.
“This is the most action I’ve gotten in over a WEEK!” I said blushing
“A week is a long time for you? Jesus! You’re some kind of nympho aren’t you?” said Amanda.
“Oh please God no! I do NOT want to know about her sex life. She’s already loud enough as it is. And I will make them homeless if they’re like that!” my sister declared
Which made us all laugh harder.
It felt good hanging out and having girl talk, even if they were giving me a hard time. It made me miss some of my closest friends back home in California. The main downside on traveling so much, is missing out on moments like this. But I’m full of so much gratitude for these moments with these people. It just feels extra special. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
We are Dirty Pirates
Jennica spent the night, because I had taken Wednesday off work and was crashing on her and Molly’s plans for the next day. Their buddy Koa gives boat tours for a living and on his off day offered to take us with his friends out to cruise. Jennica had scouted out some spots that she wanted to get photos of.
We woke up crazy early and met up on Koa’s boat. I had stayed up late the night before cooking and making snacks, for us to bring on the boat and then we brought a shit ton of beer.
Koa devoured FOUR of my breakfast burritos and then came up behind me and gave me a BIG hug. Telling Jennica she should bring me around more often, because I’m so much nicer than she is. She flipped him off. Koa and I quickly became buddies and he let me even take over as DJ, and even let me steer for a bit. His friends were cool too. Turns out that a few of them knew my extended family. Small world. It was a really chill group. We had sooo much fun. On the boat Jennica would only refer to me as her Dirty Pirate Whore so she became my Smelly Pirate Wench. Which made us both laugh for no good reason. We’re dorks… what can I say?
I had hung out with Molly in groups before, but we didn’t have a chance to really talk, she was kinda quiet. Turns out that we’ve travelled to a ton of the same spots and had the same places on our bucket list. She declared me her travel buddy soulmate. I found her really inspiring actually, and we made plans to do a double date next week.
We spent the day chilling on the boat. Koa was a really good tour guide. We went snorkeling a bit. We wake boarded off the back of the boat a little too. Which was a ton of fun. But in all it was just a really relaxing day. I laid out and read my book while Jennica took pictures. I was so blown away by her talent. I even let her do a little mini-photo shoot with me on the beach. I’m kinda in love with the photos that came out of it.
Thoughts on Love
We were laying out on the boat, drying off when we just started talking about Love.
Jennica is in a long term long distance relationship, and as we laid out… she opened up about a lot of it and what she’s been struggling with. I found myself really opening up about my past… more than I’ve opened up to anyone else.
I don’t really talk a lot about some of the relationship fuck ups I’ve had (I mean sure, I write about it here… but it’s rare for me to really share it otherwise) and just the lessons I learned.
I have been engaged before. I have been in a really really long term relationship (10 years). I’ve tried long distance. Aspects of my current relationship are long distance, and it’s hard. I hate it.
To me, what it all comes down to is the person. You have to ask yourself why are you really really with them? When most people talk about love, it seems to fall into the categories of: appearances, their personality, what the person has, or how intertwined your life’s are already. Rarely will you hear about it going deeper than that, like what that person does to you spiritually.
Are you able to connect with them on another level? Be honest with them in ways you’re unable to be honest with anyone else? Or are you constantly hiding a piece of yourself from them? Or trying to become someone you’re not, for them? Do they awaken something in your soul that no one else does? Do they have the same values? Do you accept and love each other completely, not trying to change anything?
Have you genuinely analyzed whether you’re in the partnership out of habit or even fear? Maybe even ego? Sometimes you’re with someone who is genuinely a nice person and you enjoy being around them, so you keep moving forward because it’s kinda time to progress the relationship forward… but are they awakening your soul? Inspiring your growth? In the past, I got stuck in a relationship where “good” turned into “good enough” and then somewhere along the line that morphed into being scared of not being in that relationship. Then when things took a turn for the worse, I had already invested so much hard work and time, I didn’t want it to go to waste. So I held on tighter…when at the end of the day, I was really just with the wrong person. I wasn’t with someone who truly loved all the pieces of me. And by staying in that relationship all I was doing was wasting more time.
I by all means, don’t have it figured out. I’ve fucked up a lot in the past. So I genuinely don’t judge others, or want to ever tell anyone I think they should break up. The only people who will truly understand the relationship are the ones in it. I just think these are all important questions to ask yourself, because only you know the answers of what your soul and heart need. What I’ve learned is that your source of love and happiness is never another person. For me, it’s God and it’s within me. The people I love, including the relationship I’m in, add to that happiness, but they’ll never fill any hole within me or complete me. Only I can do that.
She asked me a lot about Davide and I. I was honest about all of it. Even how I had fucked up recently and how I fell in love with someone else, which was a total mind fuck in itself. I told her how Davide and I are so different because of culture stuff, but we also fit so well together. We have the same values and goals. He honors my strong will and encourages me during the toughest of storms. We build each other up.
One of my favorite things about him, that I didn’t realize how much I need in a relationship until the most recent shitstorm I went through… was how emotionally available he is with me. I’ve started to see how much I need that in a partner because I’ve been through hell in the past… and I don’t let people in easily because of it. Davide, gosh… it doesn’t matter how bad I’m hurting or how hard I pushed him away… he just sits himself right outside of any wall I put up and he let’s me be me, he is so emotionally available, and he waits for my wall to fall back down. Which it eventually does and I jump into his arms each time. Each time the wall gets shorter and it’s easier for me to let him in even deeper.
His intensity and his commitment to me and building a family together, I’ve never truly had that before. Ever. I’ve had so many empty promises of it, but I’ve never had someone fight so relentlessly for me and our relationship. To accept and love every fault or mistake I’ve made. No matter how bad. I’m used to being the Giver in the relationship, but he Gives even more than me… and I’m not used to that. I love it intensely though.
To me, he has shown me that love isn’t a noun. It’s a verb. He shows it every single day with his actions. And I just want to strive to be the same kind of person. The things I love about him, they’re all the emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of him. Yeah, he’s really fucking hot and I am so attracted to him and the chemistry between us is off the charts, but that’s not why I’m in my relationship. I’m in it because I genuinely do love his heart and I think we’re great together… I’m thankful for how kind he is. How easily he forgives me and accepts me.
I laid there, telling Jennica all of this, my eyes filling with tears. She opened up about her fears and we cried and hugged each other.
As she drove us back to Kihei that night, she looked over and said “Can’t you just move to Maui? C’mon your sister is here. I’M here. I already can’t imagine not having you around! I don’t want you to leave.”
I smiled at her and laughed, because I felt the same way. I couldn’t help but wonder what that would really look like. I never imagined I’d find one of my best friends here. I’ve always made friends easily… but Jennica is different. It wasn’t a superficial friendship based on convenience or mutual hobbies. I remember the first time we went surfing together and we got in this deep heartfelt conversation about faith and God. Our conversations each day just progressively got deeper. I could tell her things I have only told my very bestest friends (my sister and my cousins). Jennica is just someone who is just this complete kindred spirit and I’m having a hard time imagining what our friendship will look like when I leave. How the hell did I get here? I couldn’t help but smile to myself as I processed it all.
“Yeah… I’m having a hard time imagining not seeing you every day too. I’m going to miss you, you dirty pirate.” I said
She grinned back at me and winked while she said, “Love you, dirty pirate whore.”