Drowning, a little…

I feel like… heartbreak hits me differently than other people.

I don’t know if it’s just my history of depression or if it’s just the fact that I feel things on this deep and intense level… that I don’t even know how to describe to other people. And… I can’t really talk to anyone about it right now. No one knows. Somehow that makes it worse.

This heartbreak, I knew if it ever truly happened again… it’d be tough. But it has been worse than I thought it’d be.

I’ve been through some really difficult things in my life… and when it gets really hard. Or when one of my triggers gets pushed… depression just encompasses me. Soul crushing, hopeless, like you’re at the bottom of this dark pit drowning, and there is no way out… kind of depression. And I’m started to feel those scary dark walls closing in. Usually I can lean on my friends when this starts to happen and it’ll help snap me out of it… before it gets bad. I just can’t do that here. Which makes it all so much harder.

In one of the toughest moments… I found myself praying. Praying for strength. Praying for understanding. Praying for the will to keep pushing forward. The confusion and heartbreak I feel… it is so intense it’s feels hard to breathe. I was in actual physical pain, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and give up. I feel this knot in the pit of my stomach.

I feel frustrated. Hurt. Disappointed. Heartbroken. My heart physical hurts. I’m angry that… I let myself get hurt like this. That I let my walls down. Hate that I let my heart fall so deeply in love, for what? For being some damn side piece? Like what the actual fuck Monica? I’m so upset with myself. So hurt by the situation. Especially that he’s just so damn okay and indifferent and I’m somehow in SO much pain.

Trying to be positive

I’m doing my best to be positive through it. I feel like the hard times are defining moments in our lives. Do we curl up in a ball and don’t get out of bed? Do we bury our head in the sand and make no progress?

I have a lot of conflicting emotions about it all. But I’m going to embrace it, because it means that I REALLY loved him. Then I’m going to find a way to move forward tomorrow. Find a way to come out of this even stronger. Find a way to forget him completely. I have no idea how… but I have to. I have no other choice.

The reality is, I knew what the situation was, and I still went into it… thinking, he’d be worth it. Thinking that the promises we were saying… they meant something, but they didn’t. I should’ve known better.

I’m just not good enough

I figured out that the biggest trigger for me in all of it… is the feeling of abandonment. Of being told that he’s choosing someone else. Someone who I view…. as much as I hate admitting to it… as lesser than. That triggered so many moments of “Monica you’re just not good enough”. Of all these instances across my life where I fought so damn hard for love, and then was told I wasn’t enough. Gosh, that’s deep.

I feel like my life… has been this search for love. For a family. For my Person. And here I am, engaged to the most incredible guy… who is hopelessly in love with me, he would walk to the ends of the earth for me… NEVER hurt me, and I am pining over a different guy who never really wanted me. Yeah. What in the world is going on with me?

In the moment, I told myself it was because I thought Nate could be my soulmate. This perfect match to me in ways that I never expected. But now… when I reflect on it all… was he ever really? Did he lie to me about his relationship? Was I just another random chick in this long line of flings and distractions? Someone who didn’t actually MEAN anything, just a source of attention? I have no idea. I really don’t… and I feel like I’ll never get those questions answered. So I have to let them go. Completely.

I tell myself… that none of it was special. What’s so earth shattering about Nate anyways?  I’m letting myself soak up the pain, work through this phase, the sooner I get through it… the sooner I can move forward and just forget about it all.

The toughest part, I think is the disappointment. In Nate and in myself. I think what would make this an easier pill to swallow, is if I knew Nate was doing this because she was what makes his heart the happiest. But, that’s not at all what he’s told me. He’s doing this, because he can’t hurt her. The more I think about that though… so it’s okay to hurt me then? Why? Because he thinks I can handle it and she can’t? Or because he’s too worried about how people would view him if he did leave her? Exhale. It doesn’t matter. Why would I want to be with someone who lives their life according to what would make everyone else around them happy? I want to be with someone who is TRULY happy and willing to work for their happiness. That’s not Nate.

I read this quote in a book I’m reading right now… and it hit me hard. It was like an answer to a prayer.:

If you’re ever given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, it is your duty to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself. 

I need to focus on making decisions that will make me happiest and not let myself down. I have some tough decisions ahead of me. Some that I have no idea how to navigate… but for once in my life, I need to be selfish. Need to focus on my own happiness.

I know it’s tough right now, but that’s because… what happened with Nate was very real to me. I’m not really okay right now, even though I’m putting on a strong face for everyone. That’s okay. I accept it, because I refuse to let him break me. I’d rather love too hard and too deeply, than not enough. I know that’s just the price to pay for having an open heart. One day… I will be okay… and what I felt will be a long lost memory.

One thought on “Drowning, a little…

  1. Powerful words and sentiment. I’ve been in very similar thought patterns and I’m glad that you see they are destructive.
    There is nothing worse than feeling worthless and feeling that you can’t do anything right.
    I had this stinking thinking for many years as I grew up around drugs and poverty. Also, I’m 40 now and I have a learning difficulty called dyslexia.
    Now it’s treatable but back in school there was no help and I was constantly at war with teachers and authority figures.
    Changing my thinking and my attitude later in life gave me a life I never thought possible.
    This isn’t a plug for my blog but there are many life lessons in there.
    I hope you start to find inner peace soon. Remember how special you are.


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