Bad news

Gosh, the hits just keep coming. We got some really sad news today about some of my family that tested positive for Covid19

I’m a pretty heartbroken over it. The circumstances are pretty rough. Due to their age and just other factors… the doctors basically said to prepare for the worst, it’s not likely they’ll make it. Not to mention, it mostly just reminds me of my Grandma who passed away. How much I fear for all of our precious older ones in this situation.

Selfishly, it’s just like a ton of open wounds all at once for more. Normally, despite all the things that come up… I can still manage to make my way through it all. Keep my head up. But today, it felt like a ton of bricks just crashed over my head. Today… just hurt me so so deeply.

After work, I just laid in my bed crying. I just feel emotionally exhausted and worn out. In the middle of it, Dusty called just to check in on me. He tends to call every day right now, usually just for a few minutes and we catch up quickly and then hang up. I almost didn’t answer his call today, but in truth I really needed a friend to talk to about it all.

We ended up talking for a few hours. The time kinda just flew by and got away from me. He told me about his grandparents and funny stories from his childhood. I told him some of my most hilarious stories of my Grandma and her sisters. I opened up about everything going on, I even cried to him a little. He helped me work through it and he cheered me up a lot. It just made the biggest difference in my day.

I’m kinda amazed by how he’s been showing up for me in my life right now. After our falling out, I never expected this out of him like a year later. To still care. To make big efforts to support me and be this emotional rock I’m leaning on. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. How important it is to me, just surrounding myself with people who are truly there for me, who actually show up in my life even if it’s just in a consistent phone call. I really go out of my way to bend over backwards for all of my friends, but when I step back and look at who is really there for me during tough times… the list is a lot smaller.

I don’t know what that means. But I feel like maybe I should start rethinking the priority that people hold in my life. Looking at how they really show up, when they know I’m going through a really difficult time. Are they really there for me like they say they are?

Something Dusty said, really really stuck with me. That right now “we’re all in situations we’ve never been in before. Which means that we’re all growing in ways we didn’t expect. Growth is an uncomfortable process but pain is a necessary investment in the progress.” It is a time of growth, and maybe I can hold onto the hope of what I think that growth could mean for the world, even if it just means we all wash our hands a little more and hug our loved ones a little tighter.

Last night was a ton of fun. Davide finally let me have a few friends over and we had a big taco party. Did some shots of tequila. Just let loose and hung out. It felt really good to just reallllly laugh again. Felt like a breath of fresh air. Hoping that tomorrow things start looking back up.

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