Gosh it feels good to be back on Maui. In my neighborhood again. Back to my workouts. Back to spending my afternoons hanging out with my friends. Although, being on Kauai with my family, just getting to completely disconnect was so good for my soul.
I don’t think that nearly enough people make really compelling visions or goals for their life. It baffles me, because if you don’t know what an incredibly beautiful life looks like for you… How will you get there? How will you know once you’re there? And if this is your only life, why settle? Why aim low? Why downgrade? Live. it. up!
The past month has been incredibly rough, but it’s also forced me to do some inside work that I don’t know that I would’ve done otherwise. On top of my daily workouts and writing sessions, I’ve been adding in meditating and manifesting. As my friend, Kate, likes to say… I’ve gone all “woo woo” lol.
Anyways, the meditating and manifested really helped me figure out some really big things in my life. The thing is that nothing has really changed in my life, except my perspective which has done a complete 180. And because of that, it’s like everything has changed… even though the situation is the same. Things are hard, but I welcome it with open arms.
I didn’t realize this until recently, but because in the past when I really battled with depression to the point where I attempted suicide, I had this intense fear of facing those scary issues really head on.
It was almost like… I knew in the past I got stuck in this really big ditch and had no way to get out of it on my own… so whenever I passed by that street where the ditch was, I would get scared thinking that if I went down that road again, it’d happen again. Only… what if I didn’t make it out alive this time?
Something that’s kinda helped me work past that was the realization that my past is not as not nearly as important as the way I view my future. That all of this was in my head (even though I had every right to be fearful because of the horrific things that had happened) but I was tripping myself up. I was giving the pain of the past, power over my present and my future.
Thing is, that was a completely different time. I was a completely different person. I also have an incredible support system. I have my fiancé and my best friends, who genuinely give a shit about me. They won’t let that happen to me again. I won’t let it happen again. Everything in life is a choice, and I wanted to choose to move past this. I’m not going to let this define me or determine who I’ll be, or how I’ll feel.
Then in figuring out that out… I realized that there was this small part of me that was holding onto resentment with the men I used to love. While I was very much over them and happy that they were no longer in my life, I also resented them for being so stupid to let me go and for being so uncaring to let me go through it alone.
Now, after really doing a lot of internal work, I have zero resentment towards anyone, about anything bad that’s happened to me in my life. I feel so at peace with how much love and happiness I am surrounded by. I don’t feel resentment or frustration towards the men I used to love, I actually just feel zero attraction towards them, towards how they treated me. I’m so happy to be onto bigger and better, Davide.
Monica’s infamous “Cali Party”
Now that Davide is starting to feel more comfortable with expanding our bubble to include my group of friends, life has been pretty incredible.
It was a lot of fun to hangout with them for a week in Kauai. But while we were there they heard stories about some of the epic parties I used to throw. So they demanded that once we were back, that I throw a “Cali Party”.
Which I ended up throwing on Friday.
Me and one of my best guy friends, Jeremy spent a few days getting the PERFECT playlist set. We can’t get super loud at my house, so we instead set up the party at a friends house. Everyone had to dress up Cali-style and the food and drinks was California themed.
Dance parties are my thiiiiing, I LOVE to dance the night away. We ended up keeping it fairly small, only the people in our bubble.Which somehow made it even better.
Oh my gosh we had an incredible night dancing and drinking the night away. Tequila shots and dance offs. There was this moment when Jennica and I danced off to Buy U a Drank by T-Pain and I just remember being just so deliriously happy. Davide was turning me the HELL on, the way he would just possessive grab my hips and ass. We ended up sneaking off to the bathroom a few times and going at it. Literally by the end of the night, my cheeks were so sore from smiling so much. It just felt like the perfect day. I wish I could just put on repeat.
We were up till like 2am just hanging out all around the bonfire, drinking, smoking, chilling, and just talking deeply about life. Until Davide took me home and then we ended up staying up for a few more hours going at it. When I’m drinking, I’m like 10xs more flirty, which he loves. lol.
Today (Saturday), we woke up SO exhausted. It’s been awhile since I went so hard at it, but the best cure for a hangover is salt water. So we went surfing and were just goofing off and jumping on each other’s boards. Tonight I’m meeting up with some friends down at Big Beach. And while I work a little tomorrow, we’re mostly going to spend the day at the beach. There is South Swell right now, and we are taking FULL advantage.
One of my friends from California is going to visit next month and I am SO excited. Not to mention, Hamilton is coming out on Disney+. Only great things ahead folks!